What's on your mind?

Ahh, the perennial Facebook question: What's on your mind?

Or, if it were the early 90's, it would have been, 'In your heeeead, in your heeeaaad, what's in your heeeeeeaaaad?' Hehe hello Cranberries.

But really, that happens to be my favourite question, or a variant of it. In a particular quiet time, I go ask the nearest person, "So.. what are you thinking?"

And I mean it, it's fascinating. I love to know what's on people's minds. Some minds I can't particularly read, and so I ask. Some minds I can read a bit and make a guess, but I want to confirm. Some minds I know what's going on at a particular time, but ask anyway, because I like to hear it spoken aloud, and it feels better that way sometimes for kaypoh (busybody) little me, and for the other party I hope. And lest you think I'm being intrusive, I only ask this question to people I'm close to, who I know wouldn't mind sharing.:) I happen to like asking the question, and being asked it.

* * *

And since I like talking to myself (Don't admit this in public, I was once advised), I ask myself too what's on my mind, for the simple reason that I'm not sure myself. It's all a load of mush right now, and I wouldn't know where to start.

All I know that something's going on in there, and I'm affected. Sometimes I think too that what's in the head is separate from what's in the (pardon me while I cringe at my own cheesiness) heart and what's in the other head (haha oops), but I think from my high school biology lessons it's really all in the brain. All in the head.

And the past two weeks especially, of goodbyes and long-distance calls and new changes, of dinners and suppers and meeting my favorite ex-colleague and good friends, of long walks by my lonesome and and the realization of too much/too little 'me' time, of stuff of the I-can't-believe-I'm-saying-this and I-can't believe-you-said-that kind, of more emo 'oh-shit-I-remember-this-feeling' moments, of waking up randomly at 4AM OR sleeping at 4AM, of being dazed and spacing out randomly at work, of SAS codes and correlation and reliability of parameter estimates, of birthday parties and beer and tequila and Japanese whiskey and Michael Jackson(!), of music and choir and harmonies and China, of tagged photos and videos and Facebook (I'm not flirting!) and Mafia wars, of lousy lousy Windows Live Messenger screwing up my conversations with at least three different people, of Holy Week and Easter reflections (or lack of) and of supreme love regardless, of little surprises that make me feel like I'm valuable, that I'm missed, that I'm loved, even if I'm feeling sloppy and insecure and slightly stoopid.

Yep, I confirm that lingering suspicion that it's all soup in my head right now. No surprise there.

(I realize the paragraph before the previous is so incredibly long and incoherent and random and painful haha and I'm sorry. That's the closest I can get to telling my current state of affairs.)

* * *

But going by my Facebook status, I'm quite sad I did not get to watch Rachael Yamagata's concert last night. Not that I wanted to go badly enough ($98 ticket and no definite companion to come with me -- I just rationalize and think that I spent the money for the Nike running shoes I bought the other day), but it would have been very nice. Maybe because she's one of the artists who makes me feel funny, you know, the type who just strikes a chord somewhere.

Whether it's her gritty Worn Me Down or the happy lovey 1963 or her dreamy Be Be Your Love, I just melt. But this song Reason Why below is what gets to me, it makes me so incredibly sad. I like. (Zach Braff of Scrubs introduces her too, two of my favorite people in the same video clip!)

Have a nice day everyone. 8:04AM and it's time to shower and get ready for work.

Waters of March

It's a March thing I think. Must be the March weather or something and my genetic make-up not compatible with the workings of the cosmos at this time of the year. Yeah, whatever right. 

Relax, relax, relax Joe. Chill. But dunno, know the feeling where there's something stuck in your back and you can't shake it off? I was thinking maybe a massage or a jog or a swim will do the trick. 

Until then, I can't help myself, whine begins now. It's just that everything's happening so fast and suddenly this and that and I'm mentally and physically and emotionally exhausted. It's the work piling up and my team still being understaffed despite efforts to hire, it's my colleague leaving and making me feel sad (though thanks for the doughnuts and for being very nice to me and taking my crap :D), it's another colleague getting PMS-y about office politics, it's conversations that momentarily stirred me up into a fit (but thank God it's over and peacefully settled), it's a money thing, it's a little personal problem thing, it's a good intentions thing, and even my good friend being retrenched and another feeling emo and another who feels disgusted with self and yet another who's not too happy with the outcomes of the world. (I don't know why other people affect me so much, I think it comes with my Superman Syndrome, and that's not quite a good thing sometimes.)

* * *

So strange. I was perfectly fine Friday and Saturday. Went Harry's, went clubbing even and had lunches and dinners and movie with friends and even met guests from home and got my favourite chunk of cheese from home. Hmm. 

I think it's the build-up of stuff over the weeks. For the past month I've been having restless nights and strange dreams about me getting beaten up, about death in general, about my own death, about church, about hook-ups, about road trips, about the beach, about people dear to me, about people I haven't met in a while, about chance encounters and beautiful strangers, about credit cards modeling even. 

* * *

Oh man, maybe it's the lack of sleep and physical fatigue. Hopefully it's just that. And what was going through my head as I experience all this is -- this is very much like last year. When my honours year project got me into an emo phase, and I got worked up perhaps more than I should have.

But we learn right. We learn from the past and make things better. Sometimes no way to learn but to just take the plunge and get smacked and whacked hard. 

Anyway here's a happy song to cheer anyone else with the March blues.

It's the wind blowing free,
It's the end of the slope,
It's a beam, it's a void,
It's a hunch, it's a hope

And the river bank talks
of the waters of March,
It's the end of the strain,
It's the joy in your heart

Night. 

Restless times

5:54AM and I'm already up! I've been up for more than hour now. Who wakes up at 4:30AM in Singapore? Apparently the restless ones like me. But hey, good morning!

My brain's pretty much fried from work actually so, as per recent plan, let's not overthink this blog post and just get crunching.

* * *

What can I say, work is getting exciting! Exciting times man, the type that makes me want to sneak in on Sunday mornings or afternoons, just to get my code up and running so I can perform my analysis on what I fondly call my monster dataset on credit cards.

My Singaporean boss, or my other half in the 'retail' sub-team, was out for compulsory reservist training with the army for most of last week, so it was pretty much alone time for me at the office while the rest of the team (including big boss Aussie) went for their 'wholesale' sub-team meetings, which lasted for most afternoons in the week.

Aussie boss would come out from their meetings and teasingly sing to me that only cheery sad song "Alone Again (Naturally)," while I was at my workstation doing my work by my lonesome. Haha. Fine. As long as I have my music fix, thanks to imeem (and it's autoplay of related songs) or my MP3 player, I'm good to go. Alone time notwithstanding.

And besides, I've got more than enough work to last me all March. It's quite painful especially since we're understaffed right now, but I feel quite empowered too. Analyses can get screwed up because of me, since I've got both hands all dirty digging into the data in every way imaginable.

But it's just nice. At least now I have a legitimate answer to that age-old question, "Why are you still single?" "Focus on career muna." Haha.

* * *

But yeah, it's taking its toll on me leh, work stuff. Sometimes I whack myself in the head trying to figure things out, make sense of numbers, make sense of business words, send emails to another team to bug them about the information I need, and now I even hijack at least two other laptops from my teammates so I can run my codes. Okay Joe, stop whining now. Haha.

I had a good weekend though. And it's actually been a series of good weekends, so yay to that. Haaay nakow I'm so cheap I get off on simple thrills. Lunches and dinners with friends, Magic Singing with Karen and the housemates, helping Aaron with his final-year project poster (YES finally you're getting as insufferably fussy as me haha -- there's a reason why The Ridge layout team was quite annoyed with me oops), and yay I learned how to play "Anyone Else But You" from the Juno movie on the guitar! Haha and before anyone points out yes it's only two chords for the whole song. But it's damn cute, I like.

* * *

Oh and one more disturbing thing. I'm turning fat. Haha. Yes I still jog about two or three times a week, yes, and I'm not fat fat, just err.. tummy-ing. I knew it lah, I shouldn't have agreed with my housemate Clint to embark on this 'Race to 75'. Haha that's race to 75kg for you, me going up from 65kg some months back, and him from 80something. Currently I'm toggling between 69 and 70kg depending on the time of day haha. I think Clint's winning. Must go work out somehow la Jose.

It's just weird, I've never been fat all my life. Haha. Actually I was a fattish baby, but that's about it:

That's me in the family car where I was born, i.e. unceremoniously popped out. Ahh yes, my tummy looks just like that now, twentyplus years after. Haha.

* * *

Alright, sun's up. Hopefully weather won't be cold and gloomy like yesterday's. For some reason, weather like that makes me feel like those slow and tender Taylor Swift or Jason Mraz songs. Whatever that means, not now okay, Joseph has work to do! Haha have a nice day.

For no apparent reason

Goooood morning blogosphere. Feels good to be back after two months!

This time it will be different; no (empty) promises of sticking around and blogging more regularly, no long journal entries that are overthought and sanitized as if they were articles. Then again, that promise to be 'different' I'm also not sure I can keep. Haha.

Plan for this entry is to for me to let the fingers do the thinking and typing (thanks for the reminder I don't type too slow after all) and click that "Publish Post" button and get a blog entry done and over with. In short, plan is to get some rambling done today, for no apparent reason.

* * *

I want to blog today about how thankful I am with the world I'm in right now. I don't know, it's a feeling that's a mix of serenity, what's left of teenage angst (haha yep and I'm three years into the twenties!), quite a lot of satisfaction with work and that thing that good people that surround you -- family friends colleagues random smiley strangers and aunties (I'm friendly with them lol) -- do to you.

I don't know. Maybe it's the feeling of not having documented my life for a long time. For not marking events and people and places with imaginary mental yellow and red markers (ala The Amazing Race) that are supposed to track the (I hesitate to use the word 'milestones') progress I've made thus far, twenty-three trips around the sun and counting.

Maybe it's the feeling too of having missed what I term my 'new years', and not having been made enough traction on the resolutions I had planned. New Year Number 1 is New Year's Day, and that's supposed to set the stage for the legendary (Hello Barney of How I Met Your Mother) changes I'm supposed to make. Supposed to. I procrastinated and hey, there's New Year Number 2.

That's Chinese New Year, which was sometime in late January. What I realize is it's too incredibly easy to get sucked up with whatever one is doing and there's just not enough time to step back, and take a look back at the tracks. And so there's New Year Number 3, my birthday early February. That again, seemed like a good place to start afresh.

* * *

The thing with me is always go on false starts. But the thought is there, the resolve is there, it's just... lacking perhaps. Start what, exactly? I'm not too sure myself. Haha. It's a lot, actually, and it's the stuff I miss.

I miss writing. I miss reading. The big secret about me being an ex-editor and an English Studies minor is that I am not actually well-read (I mistook Hamlet for Macbeth in my literature class-- now I still think twice which is which). Little me was quite a library boy too. I miss that. I miss making music. I went for the choir concert last week and I remember the sheer beauty of making one incredible chord, never mind if mine occasionally was the shaky one buried beneath 70 other voices. Oh and Cecilia offered to sell me her keyboard. Tempting tempting! I haven't played the piano in the longest time. But if I buy it, can I sustain it? Oh and I miss blogging, if this long-winded aimless entry is any proof.

* * *

Also I want to articulate somehow how thankful I am because I find myself lucky. My boss doesn't hate me for almost dozing off in his team meetings, he even finds it amusing. (Never again boss, I'm sorry) I'm lucky I'm learning a lot of things from my job, including being patient and thorough and how to relate with people. And how different it is at work now, compared to the stress levels I hit last year in school (what with the thesis, level four modules, final semester blues). Oh and I haven't been axed yet, and I still get a bonus too even if I haven't worked for a full year, so yay to that.

And my friends lah. My housemates and Pinoy friends, my MSN and Yahoo! and Facebook buddies (I'm beginning to love chatting online again), choir friends, my colleagues at work. And family, needless to say, I miss you at home. Oh the Titans musta naman kayo jan? Haha. And hmmmm you. When will I find you? Haha hurry up and get here!

* * *

I should jog more often in the morning. These were the thoughts in my head as I was running 5.4km with myself around six in the morning yesterday, along with some older uncles and aunties (the younger jogging crowd opt for evenings if I'm not wrong) and quite a few dogs being walked by their owners.


Exhilarating feeling. Especially when the sun rises to greet you as you end your run, and Stereophonics' Have a Nice Day randomly plays in your earphones.

Have a nice day people, and good night.

The big (toe) surgery

Another of those wake-up-early days, and I guess I have no reason not to blog now. I'll make this nice and short and as quick as I can get, but of course, if you know me, this won't be short at all.

* * *

Big toe surgery finally pushed through last week, Tuesday! This Dr L of my neighborhood clinic has to be the most deadpan doctor I've ever met. I went to see him the Thursday before, and like the last time I visited, he still had the enthusiasm of Droopy the detective (one of the favorite dogs in cartoon history -- oh and Bolt is the new addition).



"OK, so what's the problem?" he says, seeing that I previously went because of flu.
"I came to check about my ingrown nail."
He took a look. "Where does it hurt now?"
Trick question, I thought, since it seemed obvious where the toe was misshapen and slightly bleeding. I pointed out the left side of the left big toe.

After a quick cursory look, he scribbles something and goes, "Come for surgery tomorrow."

I was stunned. Apparently he didn't think surgery was a big deal for some people. "Erm, okay."

* * *

Surgery was on Tuesday in the end, and it was not worth the anxiety of my previous post. "That's nothing! It's just a toe!" my housemate and junior Robinson was emphatically saying as I left the house. He had two serious surgeries the past two years.

It was interesting anyway, I think I had fun. I lay on the bed in a position resembling that of a mom about to give birth, knees up, legs apart, and my eyes staring at the ceiling, while I waited for the Dr L and the nurse.

They finally came and assured me they won't cut off my toe. That's a relief, I thought. They said they would start with injecting local anesthesia. Okay. Two injections. Okay, no problem with needles. Throughout the process I couldn't see my toe cos my knees and legs were obscuring the view.

After the injections, he called on the nurse to get his scissors/clamp/pliers whatever they called it. He started cutting into the toe slowly.

"Pain?" he asked me, my eyes still staring at the fan in the ceiling.
"No it's okay."
"Pain?"
"No pain." He dug a bit deeper.
"Pain?"
"A bit lah, but still can tahan." ('tahan' = 'endure')
"Pain?"
"Nope."
"Pain?" It was supposed to be annoying by now, but it wasn't.
"OK OK pain pain!"

He gave a small chuckle. "Just say lah," he said, and gave me another injection.

* * *

Anesthesia is fantastic. If only it was a magic cure that could work for all purposes, medical and otherwise.

* * *

"It's quite big, eh," Doc said, referring to the nail fragment that lost its way and dug into my skin. "Looks quite small on the outside, but it's actually quite big."

Thank you, thank you. You're still referring to the toenail? Haha.

He asked for bigger scissors.

Then he cut away into the nail, with the eagerness of a kid who was given his first pair of scissors and told he could cut whatever you want. Felt that way at least. And like I said, anesthesia is fantastic.

All too quickly he stopped, and told me to get up and take a look. A fifth of the visible part of the toenail had been cut away, and I was surprised it wasn't bleeding much. Doc seemed to let me take a look first, before he cut away some more.

"OK, we cut here (motioning to somewhere in the middle of the toenail) all the way down here (bottom left of the nail)."
"Okay."
"Go sleep," motioning for me to lie down again. I braced myself for another round of furious cutting.

Then he began to take off his gloves and walk away. "Err.. ?" I mumbled, confused.

"Oh it's done. The nurse will just clean it up." Apparently, what he'd just told me about the thing was what cutting they'd already done. As he headed out the door, he said with another chuckle, "Three months you had to endure it, and it takes us three minutes to remove." Haha true.

"I've had this before too," the nurse shared as she was cleaning it up. "But your nail is really huge, man." Haha.

"Do you want me to keep the nail and give it to you?"
I didn't even think twice. "Sure, of course. Thanks."

* * *


That's the mummified toe and the foot that comes along with it.

I'm not sure I should post a photo of the toenail, as it may disgust some people, so I've decided to let you choose to click HERE if you want to see the nail, as stored in a plastic canister for viewing.

* * *

The officemates called me up before the surgery not to wish me well ("Who says we're calling to wish you a good surgery? We want you to come back ASAP to do some work!" said Boss #2) and after the surgery to invite me to Harry's ("I want but I can't even wear shoes!"). Knowing the crazy bunch that is my team, I brought the nail to the office the next time I came in.:) Only the two bosses (and the only two other guys in the team) took a look though. Hehe.

I was probably limping for the rest of the day. Then went to Orchard Road the next day and did a whole lot of walking in and out of malls. I was still on MC (medical cert) after all.

Can't say I don't miss the toenail and the small tingling pain though. Haha.

Detours

Oh no it's back again. The waking-up-insanely-early-in-the-morning thing. I remember this occurring before, usually when I'm anxious, sometimes when I just sleep too early, sometimes when people and places and events just like to annoy me in my dreams. But the fact that the dreams exist at all -- and that I remember them -- at least tells me it was quite a restful sleep. Can't remember tonight's dream, though hopefully it didn't involve you (enough already, thanks).

In any case, I think the real reason I'm up early is that I'm apprehensive about the big (toe) surgery later. Finally some good news to Ma, to one of my favorite people Huixian, and to my Thai colleague Lulita especially, who all like to scold me about the ingrown nail I've been sustaining and nurturing(!) for the past three months now(?). I thought it was legitimately healing, seriously, and it stopped hurting and bleeding for a good few weeks, until it came back with a vengeance -- apparently it just buried itself deeper and has returned to give me a lingering aching painful surprise.:)

* * *

No surprise there, actually. Knowing me for a good twenty-odd years now, I think the Joseph is one who'll go for the long route, enduring whatever discomfort or pain, and which is the cheaper, less embarrassing way out.

I've been watching two sets of The Amazing Race, the original US version (Toni and Dallas why why?) and The Amazing Race Asia (Ida and Tania, "Actress and Heiress" from Malaysia were my favorites, and, surprisingly, I didn't feel much for the Filipino team Geoff and Tish) and my favorite part would invariably be the Detour, which is "a choice between two tasks, each with its pros and cons". Aside from the incredibly cool tasks, it's the way the detour is phrased that's interesting. Recent Detours saw the contestants choose between Ride the Lines or Ride the Rails in Moscow, Play like Mad or Act like Fools in Kazakhstan, and Bleary Eyed or Teary Eyed in India. Haha well done you writers you.

Before I ramble on completely off-track (if I haven't already), lemme say that if I were a contestant on my own Joe's Amazing Race, I'd know which tasks I would choose in the Detours. Shows how self-absorbed I am too. Haha. Or how much I've figured myself out.

Short and Sweet or Linger and Fester: Linger and Fester. That's why I've been putting off this ingrown thing for the longest time, went clubbing with it at least four times, thus having it squashed by too many random people. Applies in general terms too (long lazy chitchats, long goodbyes, memories that linger on past their expiry date).

Walk or Wait: Walk. Not a fan of waiting. I rather take the long walk to the office rather than wait for lights in the pedestrian lanes to green up.

Suck it up or F*ck it Up: Suck it up. Haha explains why I have such a high tolerance for pain and discomfort. Not that I particularly enjoy it, but I can live with it anytime. No need to screw up a good thing.

User-friendly or Friendly User: User-friendly. Haha got this one from an old conversation I had with an old classmate, some chitchat with friends at some gathering. Which would you rather be, one who's taken advantage of, or one who takes advantage of others? Ever the selfless doormat -- OK lah, that's a gross exaggeration -- I'm pretty much a sucker for people I consider friends, never mind if the feeling isn't quite mutual. I gave up on 'mutual' sometime back.

Planned and Organised or Surprise Surprise: Surprise surprise. For the most part I'm the impromptu kind of guy, I don't like things to be too structured. I'm pretty much open to anything. But don't mistake this for sloppiness though, as you'll be surprised at the meticulousness I can be with formatting and font sizes and margins and text whenever I do any written report or essay etc.

* * *

This one's a real task they gave to the contestants in Indian leg of this season's Race: Launder Money or Launder Clothes. The former involved stapling rupee notes to the newlyweds at a traditional Indian wedding, while the latter involved using a traditional charcoal iron to press 20 pieces of clothing.

This one cracked me up because anyone who knows me well enough about my current attitude to wearing and necessarily ironing shirts every day to work, knows that I hate ironing with a passion. That, or I'm a total idiot at it. (I forgot which came first) I think it takes me an hour to iron three shirts, and they'd sometimes all look crumpled anyway in the end (my boss likes to rib me about it sometimes even -- but that's another story). I'd take Launder money without a second thought.

All right, that's a whole lot for my biographers. You guys should have figured me out by now. Did you guess what I'd be choosing? 50% chance anyway.:) Sometimes I'm paranoid about the stuff and the junk that people know about me. My housemate and senior Ferron, for example, has been reading my blog for the longest time, and has a surprisingly good memory, and so he can correct me and quote me whenever I forget things, or well, sugarcoat things of the past which I so happen to forget.:) Especially about those first few years in Singapore and NUS.

Ahhh... people who know me. What can I say. Keep the juicy stuff you know to yourselves. Hehe not that there's much to tell anyway. Help me figure myself out before I forget to do so.

* * *

Ahh December. Can't quite feel the Christmas spirit if the weather's like this. I wake up with a sweat, that's how stuffy it is at night. But yey, the calendar can't be lying, and it tells me that I'll be home in less than three weeks. Mmmm Singapore, you know I love you, but you know as well as I do that I need a break.:)

I'm pretty sad that my class reunion (Great Gashong Get-together, or GGG) might not materialize after all, due to poor response. Many of my classmates in High School were regional scholars who were from all over Mindanao, not only Davao. Oh well, there's gonna be a drinking session of some sort for those who are there, and heyyyy of course the whole batch reunion must still be on OK. *crosses fingers*

If you know me well enough, I'm all about family and friends. I love my friends who still ask about me, when I'll be back, how I'm doing in general, and who just like to message me for "nothing really" catch-up chitchats. I wish I could return the favor more obviously. Haha sometimes I'm not so demonstrative. As for family, haha it's a given I miss you loads.

* * *

OK, this wasn't meant to be a last blog entry/ last hurrah/ last jab thingy before I die. It's a toe surgery, Jose. Get over it. Hopefully I'll be back to blog again tonight and tomorrow, with all my appendages and digits still happily intact.

Have a nice day, friends.

Good intentions

I was about to title this post "Stream of consciousness", but I realize I've already used that in a two-year-old post. Ever easily distracted, I read through it, and it amuses me that some things never quite change.

I'm finding it hard to accept criticism, and that's a fault I need to fix. It's a qualified sort of statement, actually, as there are just a few buttons I don't like being pushed. Push them even half-jokingly, and I'll feel bad. It's not a conscious thing; it just happens. Anyway, it's no big deal, really, but expect me to be "off" for a while.

I remember my high school academic archnemesis Steph (and secretly one of my favorite persons all in the platonic space) saying I'm fun to annoy, you just need to know which buttons to push. Haha touché. It's true, I think. Some buttons you can push over and over again, and I wouldn't mind at all. Lol you can call me PFY (thanks or no thanks to you Clint ex-birthday boy), and I wouldn't care so much. Oh, what irks me is if you accuse me of something I sincerely know in my heart is untrue (bias notwithstanding). That will set me off.

What's the difference between 22 and 20? Joseph v.2006 and Joseph v.2008? Same same but different. But same same. Kulit.

What I think the current Joseph v.2008 has figured out (or is finally aware of, thank heavens), is that he's more a critic-er (i.e. critic) than critic-ee. That's not a very good thing, but I guess it shows, I think I'm a better editor than a writer. I'm working on the receiving end bit.

Hmm then again, aren't we all? For all of us, I think it's so much easier to fault others than admit to our own faults. Haha Joseph, remember two things: You are special; you are not special.


* * *

The thing about being critical, is that I apply it across the board. If I'm critical of others, oh you can imagine how critical I am of myself. When it gets too much, I quote my Be-Good-to-Self policy, and it's fine again.

* * *

I've been itching to blog every day since last week, but whoa was it one long week at the office! For starters, Ferron's prophecy came true, finally, that in the course of my stay at the Deep Blue Sea, I'd go home at 10:30pm. We were preparing this report as a team, and just had to finish that section, so we all left at 10:20pm. At least there was free dinner, and I had my Benz taxi ride home reimbursed.

Finally yesterday we submitted a good draft of our report, and it's bound to cause some stir. I'm half-fearful and half-praying the numbers I crunched are correct, the online system which I cross-checked and helped develop, churned out the right numbers, as the worst thing would be for the affected parties to dispute the numbers-based claims in the report, and it would point to me.

But nah, my M-O boss and my Hairy Monster boss are particularly careful, especially in a report that's quite a loaded gun.

* * *

The report got me thinking about three things: good intentions, integrity, and the CYA principle. I feel utmost sympathy for people who do things with the best and purest of intentions, but unfortunately that can only lead so far. And sometimes we just have to make the tough call of policing, as part of keeping integrity. And the CYA, i.e. Cover-Your-Ass principle, is all-encompassing: for the do-gooders, for the do-badders, for the good-intentioned do-badders, even for the police.

Of the three things, if I had to choose one, I'd choose good intentions. It may get me in trouble, or at least I'd rub people the wrong way thanks to my poor judgment or my lack of tact or the fact that I'm slightly overcritical, or maybe it won't cause me trouble at all, but that's how the Joseph I know currently thinks. My image as Resident Evil may counter this point, and, well, I can't refute that. Haha.

And yes, I'm aware that the road to hell is paved with good intentions, as they say. See you there, suckers. (I just had to say that.)

* * *

Further proof that Joseph v.2008 is essentially same as Joseph v.2006 or heck, Joseph v.1986: I still delight in my simple things. Haha, like cheese, mango, and bacon. Like small smile, small talk, old friends. Like unexpected favorite song playing on radio or mp3 player. Like boss-given free Starbucks mocha frap and self-paid $10 bacon melt sandwich. Haha. But my real point is this, below. I opened the file one morning and it made me smile. Haha.

Yes, consistent with my grade school and high school image, fine I'm still a geek. Haha.

Mmmm Saturday! Long day today, let's go.

Early edition

5:08AM. Strangely enough, I find early mornings good times to blog. I woke up at 3:30AM, and after a round of Facebooking and YouTubing, I still don't feel like sleeping, so I might as well.. Can't say I'm not sleepy though. ('Sleepy' != 'feel like sleeping' I think)

Hmmm makes me wonder if I'm really that anxious that my VP (aka my boss of sorts) is coming back today after his two-week reservist training (something Singaporean men have to do yearly I think), and I haven't completed the self-imposed stuff I planned to clear. 'Self-imposed' is the operative word. Jose you look for trouble when there isn't any. Haha can't think now who the first person to tell me that was. 

Anyway my colleagues playfully messed around with my VP's desk on Friday in preparation for his return today -- hid his water jug, dumped jars of pineapple tarts and other sweets on his desk, opened some of his investment books and placed it on his chair, under his opened umbrella, etc -- so I can't wait to see his reaction when he arrives later. 

See the veep is this perfectionist guy who likes everything nice and tidy and perfect. That is of course, when he's not playing cheeky or joking around. He's quite the OC type, such that in the height of the movie Wall-E, he was branded the 'foreign contaminant robot' (what's his name again? Wiki says it's M-O, for Microbe Obliterator -- thanks!). M-O is this maintenance robot that compulsively cleans out any filth in its path, and is annoyed by the impossibly dirty Wall-E. My veep is super cool la, I like. 

Oh, and they call me Wall-E in the office -- not cos I'm filthy of course -- but because I eat anything they give me, especially the unconsumables ("if nobody else wants, i'll just throw cos i'm full already" kind) from lunch. My boss says his KPI is to fatten me up and double my size, and I've been doing my best to help him achieve that.:)  So all the extra mooncakes and potato chips and Oreo cookies and ultra creamy apple pie(!) that nobody could consume all go to me. Waste not right? It helps too that I'm the sort who would eat anything on a dare, and have no qualms eating new food like fish eye (vitreous part and all) and Starbucks chai tea, just for the heck of it. Haha.

Anyway M-O and Wall-E have an interesting dynamic in the movie, hopefully the photo below won't be happening in any form later today!

Haha I love it how M-O's eyes are like slits like my VP's. Chinese Singaporean lah. 

* * * 

In other news, my ingrown nail is still alive and well, and continuing to torture me every day. Less and less over the weeks though, but it's still there, bleeding and pussing (new word anyone?). Why I don't go for surgery I'm not sure actually, when I could charge it to the Deep Blue Sea anyway, but I'm guessing I'm still in denial. I think I'm perfectly fine -- so what's the point in surgery right? I thought it was a cool thing for my Dad to not opt for surgery when he had his ingrown nail before, cos he has a thing for blood, but when I heard he had to bear with it for a year(!), suddenly I had second thoughts about what to do with mine. One of my housemates Ferron thinks I enjoy the pain, which may be partly true. (no surprise there, right?) ;P My pharmacist friend Huixian scolds me everytime I tell her I still haven't gone to the doctor, and almost everyone else thinks I should go too.

But hey, I went for clubbing with my ingrown nail okay -- twice! That either means I have a high tolerance for pain, or I'm just plain stupid. Or both. Haha though I highly suspect it's just my thing with alcohol (aka the joy that alcohol brings), and my belief in clubbing therapy. 

In any case, to calm my friends and family, ingrown nail is under control. I'm limping less now. Haha.

* * *

I've been willing myself to get into the groove of this 'time for a fresh start' thing, but procrastination (or busyness, or laziness, or some other variant) always gets the better of me. Whatever I mean by 'fresh start' I'm not sure myself, but it's a good thing. I thought September was the month, but now maybe October is. Actually I thought graduation was it. Haha. Anyway I'd like to think I'm changing for the better every day. (I think the housemates are gonna laugh when they read this -- they call me Resident Evil. Lol) So, really, this starting afresh thing I've put in place and activated a long time ago and is currently doing perfectly fine. 

* * *

Some shout-outs. It was nice meeting you again, Ms Abercrombie & Fitch, over lunch at the airport on Saturday! Wow it's been a while and woohooo didn't that feel like The Amazing Race running to the to catch your connecting flight? I could hear the AR theme in my head, really. To DJ Gomez, hope you had a good overnight stay here in SG? Haha I apologise for the dead phone thing, and the fact that we just played DotA on the Saturday night you were here, but that's what you wanted too right? Hehe you even suggested it! :) Oh and I'm happy for you and your your girl(y). Haha! To Devil Jin the new forensics guy, thanks for choping the free drinks and inviting us to Zouk last Friday. Shiok! And to True Friend Rockman, thanks in advance for the more free drinks on Saturday! Haha.

* * *

You know it's late early morning already (i.e. past six am), when the uncles and aunties, in their jogging pants and rubber shoes, appear on the court downstairs for their daily tai-chi sessions. Maybe I'll stalk them from my fifth-floor window and join them for their morning exercise? Erm, maybe not, though I must say it's admirable what they're doing. 

Mmmm good morning Singapore. Wall-E's off to nap. 6:34AM!

Conversations with Myself

Ah, it's been a while. 

Considering it's been three months(!) since my last post -- where I shamelessly claimed to be "back" and implied it to be the first of a series -- and that post was about one month after the previous,  if this trend continues then perhaps the next entry will be right about five months from now. Just nice. 

I was thinking of closing down the blog, even, as maybe things just have to come to an end. If you look at that 'Archives' count on the left hand side, numbers have been steadily decreasing, business has been bad over the four five(!) years of existence of this blog:

Haha. 10 posts and it's the end of September already! Time to close shop? File for bankruptcy ala Lehman Brothers to save my ass. Start afresh. That would be nice too.

* * *

Why I'm resuscicating resusiscating resuscitating (wow I haven't written for so long I can't even spell anymore!) the blog is simple actually: I realise I like to talk to myself. A lot. I even call myself "Jose" when I do that. Haha I remember this phase sometime last year, thanks to my English Literature class, when I had this incredible fascination with the notion of "othering of the self". As if the concept of "self" and "other" isn't fascinating by itself. :) Anyway for a few months I was referring to myself in the third person, even when I blogged. It was fun la -- cheap thrills.:)

I know, I know it's not the best idea to talk to self in public, so I try not to. But at work, in the stillness of cold airconditioned afternoons, I find myself suddenly just blurting, a little above a whisper, words to myself. Like, "Ano ba yan, Jose?", or "Come on think", or "Where'd you put it, Jose?" or "Galing mo ah." (Haha) Then I catch myself, look around if anybody heard me, and begin to wonder: how do people manage to keep very quiet while working? Really. 

* * *

And the work part. That's the big difference between the Joseph of late and the Joseph ten weeks back. What can I say, I think I'm lovin' it. Haha, really. Interesting things to learn, check. Use for my skills, both quantitative (mostly this!) and qualitative, check. Making use of too-academic-seeming degree (Statistics) to practical purpose (Risk/Credit/Finance), check. Pay OK, check. Fantastic team, check. What more could I ask for right? 

And it's the people too. Really, I think I hit the jackpot with my team. They're too jolly for a bunch of bankers. Haha. They're the type who play hard, but you know work hard too. My VP whose supervising me is an NUS Stats alumnus like me, and boy, he knows a lot of things, I'm impressed. He jokes and laughs half the time too, so I'm glad that after I semi-berate Jose for not matching the speed of the VP, I share a good reassuring laugh with him. Our boss is an Aussie chap, who has to be one of the most admired people I know (I'm a fan myself). He's the type who everyone loves, for his sense of humour, for his general vibe, but he's one tough cookie too. He is able to tackle all the issues head-on, has a thing for materiality and relevance and proactivity, and knows how to make sense of numbers and issues in a way that's understandable (his analogies are both illuminating and witty), and always reminds us of legacy and integrity. The rest of the team are terrific too. There's this warmth and laughter lah -- the kind I assume to be familiar to our Filipino culture -- but when it's crunchtime, they deliver.

I didn't think this was the right entry to post this, but since I've already rambled on above, here's me with my bosses:

Haha. Angmoh boss was told by my other VP to wear her pink scarf cos it was raining. 

* * *

OK, this entry has been incredibly long already, but I can't miss to greet a certain Reynaldo a happy happy birthday (sorry this is a few hours late). I tried to call a while ago, but you guys must be having dinner or something? I couldn't contact your phone and Kai's, so hopefully you just ran out of battery. That, or maybe the family was having dinner at some ulu place with no signal. Haha. 

Happy 62nd Dad.:)  All my good vibrations go out to you and the family. Doesn't look like the best of times for the family and the business, as you've told me over the phone the other day, but I'm glad you're holding up incredibly well. Trust my Dad to stay cool amid external pressures -- keep optimistic, be proactive, that's what he says. I try to do that too -- with less successful results (haha that's no secret). But I try OK, and that's a start. Another thing I got from my Dad is the zits, but that's another story. Hehe. 

 Trivia: Ma wore that same dress in my Grade School graduation in 1999, in my High School Graduation in 2003, and last July in my University graduation. Haha Ma is too cute. :)

Since I'm posting -- and since this is supposed to be the comeback blog post of sorts -- I might as well post a photo of the family, aka Joseph's Top 5:

* * *

Yep it's good to be back. And I think I'm back for good, too. Don't take my word for it, though. Haha! 

And we're back (Part 1)

Ahh.. it's good to be back. Not that I ever left, technically. But a six-week hiatus is quite a long time eh? I guess it's high time I fill you in on the events that happened since that (semi-panicky?) entry two days before my final exams.

Oh where do I start.

Maybe I'll digress a bit first and say that the reason I haven't been blogging is that I've been busy moving out (of school) and moving in (the Clementi house -- where a grand total of 7 people share the 3-bedroom flat -- and I have a single room!), and this seemingly neverending Research Assistant part-time job I've signed up for. It doesn't feel quite right that I blog while I have the task at hand; it's a nagging feeling I can't shake off. (Don't ask me why I had time to go [learn to] play Warcraft, finish almost two seasons of Lost, and head off downtown during weekends for jalan-jalan or laag in Bisaya. Haha.)

Anyway, for this part-time job, I've dutifully finished that chunk of the job that involved using the Bloomberg terminal, a gruelling task I've had to learn the hard way: downloading and cleaning and sorting and crunching of data, just so the R programs (which I wrote too) could read it. I finished this last Monday, so since then, I've been itching to blog. Why it's Thursday now, don't ask me.:) The other chunk of the job I'm still doing, but I have no deadline! Sigh, someone please give me a deadline. I need motivation!

What's my point again? That I couldn't have blogged before Monday. Brevity, Jose. Brevity.


* * *


OK. Here we go.

Last two final final exams were OK, though the Stats for Finance exam really had me very stressed. I don't think I've ever been as panicky as that for an exam -- at least based on my pre-exam puke count (my apologies, too much info). The last exam was the Longi exam, and I thought the Year Fours could have done a Stats whoosh or some celebratory yahoooo after the exam, but it turned out the exam was too short, too simple even for some. Haha my good friend Chang finished first, and I remember giving him a grin from my seat as he grinned back and waved goodbye through the glass panel of the door. And then everyone else soon left one by one! So much for my Stats whoosh! I couldn't finish earlier, but I did manage to let off a 'woohooo' in the hallway after the exam.:D So far, some of us stats kids have had two post-exam dinners... another one around graduation hopefully.:)

Oh yeah there were drinking sessions too. Haha. I think I drank (note: not 'got drunk' -- though the drinking buddies may think otherwise) for three nights straight with two groups of people, the Pinoy bridge gang at PGP and some choir kids at Kurien's sexy new condo at Novena. That was for the weekend, and I just hoped I was sober enough for Round 2 of my Deep Blue Sea interview that Monday!


* * *


Thankfully, the Deep Blue Sea interview was a breeze. I talked too much (not surprising), but then again, I think the interviewer asked too much too (quite surprising, but I didn't mind answering!). I'd even say it was fun; it just seemed like we were chitchatting. Heck, I even wanted to ask my (pretty) HR interviewer questions so it would really have qualified for a chitchat. (No malicious intentions la, it was just a fun interview)

I really like the company, and I was hoping they like me back.

And thankfully, that seems to be the case. I got a call two days later, informing me I'll soon be swimming in the Deep Blue Sea. I was half-asleep when she called too ("Hi Joseph... are you still sleeping?" "Err.. hello good morning Ms X!").

One application, and I got it. I'm still unsure whether I should be glad my success rate is 1/1 or 100%, because I didn't quite get the chance to try applying (I looked, for the record) for other companies. It would've been nice to try a few others no?

Interviews really make me nervous those few days and hours leading to the actual session, but I find I'm actually quite relaxed during the real thing. I daresay I even enjoy myself during some interviews, like these latest two.

I was telling Aaron and Matt some tips on their respective interviews. I told them about the 3 C's of How to Ace an Interview, which I've come up with: Charm, Confidence, and Crap. Seriously, I think those are all you need.;) I must clarify that 'Crap' here means the good crap (and smooth-talk crap too, I think!): know your stuff, know the company, know the position and the tasks, know yourself and how to substantiate your statements i.e. know your crap! Confidence is a must; how do you persuade people to believe in you if you don't yourself? Charm, well, it's the least technical, but you know, it has to be there, at least to some extent. I think the showbiz people call it the X factor, I like to call it charm.*wink* You know what I mean.


* * *


Okay, I think I've said too much crap for a day. Screw brevity, I'm crapping all this for myself. Haha. Blame the fingers, they're doing the typing. I'll crap more next time, and resume talking about the rest of the six weeks I've been MIA.

I think I'll do a bit of R programming again before I sleep too. Goodnight!

Last Two

The last's are always remarkable stuff -- and you don't even have to go the emo route to at least acknowledge their significance.

I was thinking that since I'm halfway done with my finals, and I have two remaining exams in two days, I really should be doing some counting down of sorts. And making these last two exams significant one way or another. The last exams of my university days! The last exams as an undergraduate ever!

And now that I'm pouring my brain cells and time and energy -- my all essentially -- into these last two exams, I thought I might as well make it a little more significant, by, erm, offering these efforts to some people (No, it's not as cheesy as it sounds.)

Anyway, let me just for the record say that I'm offering all this tremendously tedious hard work to My Favourite People -- you know who you are. Or not. Haha, you're probably reading this (or not), but if you at least remotely think of me and hope for a second that I'll survive these trying times (not only mentally but physically -- I've begun to throw up again!), then most probably you're one of them.

Or even if you don't even know I'm struggling now, but if you so happen to impact me that I'm just fond of you, even if it doesn't show (either me being fond of you, and you being likable, or both), haha this one's for you as well.

Actually, My Favourite People has probably the loosest membership schemes in the universe, and you know me and you don't hate me enough, and I know you and I smile my silly smile when I meet you, then that's it. Lol.

Of course The Family is a shoo-in in this group, and I please hope you pray for me, Dad, Ma, Kai, and the Lola's, like you always do, as I think I'm gonna need a good dose of divine intervention in the next couple of days. Apparently, like my good Stats buddy Chang, I believe in good vibrations being passed around as well.

Sometimes I feel bad that I remember to pray the hardest during times like these, as if I've become reward-oriented and desperate. Still, I believe in divine help, and I know and trust the Big Man will help me get through these exciting times.

Two days, two exams, let's go.

Free Cones, Cheap Thrills

So I finally got me my Me Time, when I least planned it.

It was Tuesday. There I was, leaning on the railing at some spot at the expansive view deck of Vivo City, my free Ben & Jerry's strawberry ice cream cone in hand (my bad flu notwithstanding), and before me were the breathtaking sights of the harbour and its randomly dispersed fleet of ships, and of the (real) deep blue sea (in contrast to the secret one I nicknamed as such) that shimmered in the early sunset, while the gentle evening breeze just nicely ruffled my hair.

My eyes wandered down to the floor below me, where two little angmoh (Caucasian) kids were playing in the small man-made pond of sorts. The little girl was standing precariously close to the edge where the tiles met the water, and she began to lie down on the tiles, while her even littler brother was walking around tracing the outline of the pond (I think pond is the wrong word.. but let's let it go OK). Soon, after a particularly enthusiastic round of tracing, the little boy fell on the ground -- face first -- stayed there for a second, stood up to find his sister staring and giggling, before he began to cry and run to his Mom, who was having coffee with a friend. The Mom said a few quick words and patted him, and soon he was back in the pond again, laughing as if nothing happened.

This time it was the sister who I was worried about. She was walking -- prancing, even -- on the edge again, and she had this carefree manner about her that I was worried she'd fall into the water and wet all her clothes. And true enough, she did step into the water, and I remember thinking, Oh this silly pair of kids, before realizing that the water of the "pond" was barely ankle-deep. Cheyyy. Now she looked like she was walking on water, prancing on water, even, and soon her brother joined the fun and did the walk-on-water trick as well. Looked cool, I would've joined them if only I wasn't at least four times their age. Hehe.

I accidentally dropped the colourful ice-cream-shaped promo flyer I was given while I queued ("Love... is giving" it said, among other things), to the floor below, and the little boy ran to get it. Little boy and little girl were looking at it and playing with it afterwards, though I wouldn't be surprised if they tired of it by the end of the day. Hehe. Those kids were incredibly cute.

A trio of girls were camwhoring to my left, sitting down on a mat, taking photo upon photo of their free B&J cones (it was the annual Free Cone Day, let me spell out the obvious), and a guy yuppie was to my right, enjoying his cone as well while looking out at sea.

Just nice. Joseph alone with his multiple selves, with a spectacular view before him, some adorable little kids too, and also around were some random people, who, although he didn't know or care for much, really, seemed to be in such pleasant spirits he can't help but feel the same. Yep, time to chill, relax, and rest after a week that consisted of exam revision, of a random insect bite that resulted in a bad case of rashes and an adrenaline shot up my left buttcheek, of fever and flu, and of course some good news (congrats to my sister Kai for enjoying her interview) and an all-night birthday celebration (happy birthday again Oliver!). But mostly it was exam season, and I had just completed the first exam earlier that afternoon (Stochastic Processes 2), with three more to go in a few days' time.

It was the perfect time to clear my head and relax.

As I was looking out at sea, licking my yummy strawberry ice cream, and taking in long deep breaths to relish this rare experience, the thought that came to mind was, What is the covariance of two standard Brownian motions B(s) and B(t)? How could you forget it's the minimum of s and t?

Oh, stochastic processes, look what you've done to me. I hope I did fairly decent for that exam, though, Brownian motion question notwithstanding. And another thing, for those doing statistics and maybe even maths, remember this trick: XY = X(X + (Y-X)). That may save your ass when you're asked for the covariance of two random variables, or Brownian motions even.

Zzzzz. Anyway, the ice cream was good stuff, and my mind wandered around for a good length of time that evening. I got myself a nice Esprit shirt on sale too, before getting myself a leisurely dinner for one at the food court, and before finally taking the bus back to NUS.

It was good to have a break. Sort of.