Let me first say that I don't enjoy writing depressing entries. Yes, yes, Mr Stress Personified notwithstanding.
But really, dear God, I'm about to break down. I feel defeated academically, and it's draining me, mentally, emotionally, and heck, even physically. Nobody seems to get me, too. I'm just sort of here, in a totally different wavelength from everyone else, and it gets lonely. Sure there are people who genuinely care for me and want to be in sync with me (more people than I think I deserve too, thank you), but I dunno, maybe I'm too off, too unpredictable and wayward for anyone. Maybe I like to feel lonely and miserable, and I'm secretly enjoying being in the dumps. Yes, yes, a real possibility. Oh, and I'm Mr Butt of All Jokes of late, and it's the sort of thing that one likes to ride along with, but subconsciously it eats at you slowly.
There's this thing I do that indicates when my stress level peaks. I did it last night, and I did it earlier this afternoon. It's not a fun thing, it's not even intentional -- it just happens. If it's any consolation, I feel better afterwards.
I've been thinking of something deliberate I should do when my stress level peaks, like right now. I never got around doing it, and I think ultimately it would do me a world of good.
Dear God help me get through the next four days,and help me hurdle two more exams. And then help me with my HYP.
And so goes another post that's not for Multiply.
Two weeks notice
Two weeks since my last post, two weeks (less actually) before my final exams, and I'm going back home to the Philippines two weeks after that. As much as I'd love to count in two-week lengths so that it would be only two time steps more before I land in Davao City and feel the Davao lovin' that I sorely miss (last I've been there was last January still!), I can't quite be too excited as that would mean the big Exams are just one step away. They're just there, really, nearby, hiding behind a tree or something, patiently waiting for time to pass before they pounce on me. I should be doing the pouncing, really, so that's why I'm (supposed to be) prepping my guns for that inevitable encounter.
* * *
Dork stuff first. I was looking at my previous entry and realized that from the side, it resembles something that, as a Statistics major, I should instantly recognize:
It's a histogram!
With Cecilia for lunch at Science today was her angmoh (Singlish for Caucasian) classmate, Charles. Cool, the first Luxembourger I've met my entire life.:) And yes, he confirmed it's Luxembourger, aware of the chuckles the name might elicit. Pleasant guy, and at one point, the three of us talked about Christmas trees. In Luxembourg, the concept of plastic Christmas trees is alien to them; they buy real trees instead. I asked what they do with them afterwards, and Charles said they throw them away. Haha, at least that's an advantage of our plastic Christmas tree. It was funny because I was sharing with them how for a few years, we would actually have a nice real live tree in our home in Davao -- 'live' in the sense that it was cut from a live tree, and not made of plastic and boxed for sale in department stores -- which my Dad would cut from some place in the countryside. These 'live' Christmas trees were rather uncommon in the Philippines, and Cecilia then said that actually, in the Philippines, the real Christmas tree is the plastic one. This must've seemed strange to Charles and his live Christmas trees, and well, odd to both me and Cecilia too -- we've been too caught up with the plastic tree tradition, that the essentially fake is now considered the real thing.
Over the past few weeks, things have been rather busy, and effectively I've screwed up my biological clock. I've been going to the statistics lab to program, study or do programming (or typesetting) work with Gelo (and sometimes Brian too), until the wee hours of the morning, sometimes until 2am, sometimes until 6am. I grab my coffee and pau in the morning to perk me up for my morning classes, sleep in the afternoon if I don't have my part-time work, have dinner, sleep again if I missed my afternoon nap, and work late-nights/early-mornings again at the lab with nocturnal mugger Gelo.
The results have been both good and bad, I think. For one, I get to be productive to a degree, and it's been helpful discussing with Gelo on my financial and mathematical stuff for my Honours Year Project (he's doing a module on applications of physics in finance), and he's been helping me with my LaTeX, the typesetting program I need to write my HYP. I've been doing some programming for my Nonparametric Statistics project too, and after an earlier first presentation that absolutely bombed (yes it's the one where at the end of the Powerpoint, Joseph asks 'Are there any questions?' and virtually all the hands shoot up to ask, one comment being 'I don't see the direction or objective of your project'), I was bent on acing this final presentation of a project that comprises 40%(!!) of our grade.
In a recent episode of DH (Season 4), Susan was taking rather extreme measures to make a good impression on the new neighbors (who happened to be a gay couple) who just moved in on Wisteria Lane. Her husband Mike, finding her attempts ridiculous, asked her, 'Why do you need to make everyone like you?' or something to that effect. I was watching it with Gelo, and we both rolled our eyes. It did seem a bit desperate.
But actually, come to think of it, I may be suffering from the same thing. A milder case, definitely. Well, OK, maybe it's not the same thing. (ahh yes Joseph is a story of contradictions, if you haven't realized that by now) It's just that I want to be friends (or at least in good terms) with everyone, and I don't ever want to cut people off (I did so before and it wasn't much fun), nor be on the receiving end of it. And to be cut off, without knowing a sufficient reason why or how one deserved it, is just plain sad. 'So sad!' as Singaporeans like to say.
A lot of things happen in the past two weeks, and no, don't worry, I won't be rattling off what happened in that time -- partly because I don't remember; it's all a blur now -- because the things that concern me more, really, are the goings-on in my head.
Yes, sir, I think Joseph has gone slightly mental. And of course, his ever-reliable I'm-high-on-coffee excuse again comes in handy. (Unrelated note: Yes, some blog entries are cross-posted on both Multiply and Blogspot)
It's a histogram!
I'm a statistics major after all. Hah.
-dork session ends now-
* * * -dork session ends now-
Cecilia over lunch today mentioned that I don't like my major, in response to my comment that I don't particularly score excellently in Statistics. I refused to accept that statement, qualifying that, I actually don't love it, or OK, I don't like it too much, but I like it fairly well. I'm not sure I should even be thinking these thoughts, considering I'm one of the few who are doing Honours in Statistics, a small bunch now because it requires a qualifying grade, and most other Stats majors prefer the three-year basic degree, but that's that. Another friend from Choir, Xuefang, has mentioned to me, in two separate occasions, that I should be an English major.
Hmm. I don't know. Maybe I don't like my major. Maybe it's too difficult, especially my current load of Level 4000 modules. Maybe the fact that I score way better in my language and literature modules with half the effort I put into my stats and math modules ought to tell me something, as well as the fact that I enjoy arts modules are more enjoyable than science modules. Hmmm. In July 2008, I'll be graduating with an B.Sc. (Honours) degree in Statistics, and minors in English and Financial Mathematics. Sounds good to me. Not 'honours' with flying colors (God knows I tried my bestest), but that's honours just the same. There's the English minor there, too, so that can't be bad. Oh Jose, spreading self too thin again. Jack of all trades, master of none eh? Nah, let's just say I'm multi-talented. Lol.
* * *With Cecilia for lunch at Science today was her angmoh (Singlish for Caucasian) classmate, Charles. Cool, the first Luxembourger I've met my entire life.:) And yes, he confirmed it's Luxembourger, aware of the chuckles the name might elicit. Pleasant guy, and at one point, the three of us talked about Christmas trees. In Luxembourg, the concept of plastic Christmas trees is alien to them; they buy real trees instead. I asked what they do with them afterwards, and Charles said they throw them away. Haha, at least that's an advantage of our plastic Christmas tree. It was funny because I was sharing with them how for a few years, we would actually have a nice real live tree in our home in Davao -- 'live' in the sense that it was cut from a live tree, and not made of plastic and boxed for sale in department stores -- which my Dad would cut from some place in the countryside. These 'live' Christmas trees were rather uncommon in the Philippines, and Cecilia then said that actually, in the Philippines, the real Christmas tree is the plastic one. This must've seemed strange to Charles and his live Christmas trees, and well, odd to both me and Cecilia too -- we've been too caught up with the plastic tree tradition, that the essentially fake is now considered the real thing.
In our house, now we have the plastic tree again, the relatively-modern fiber-optic kind whose tips light up and change colours when the tree is plugged. It's pretty, and it eliminates the need for a separate set of Christmas lights. Good stuff, can't wait to see it when I get back home.
* * *
* * *
The results have been both good and bad, I think. For one, I get to be productive to a degree, and it's been helpful discussing with Gelo on my financial and mathematical stuff for my Honours Year Project (he's doing a module on applications of physics in finance), and he's been helping me with my LaTeX, the typesetting program I need to write my HYP. I've been doing some programming for my Nonparametric Statistics project too, and after an earlier first presentation that absolutely bombed (yes it's the one where at the end of the Powerpoint, Joseph asks 'Are there any questions?' and virtually all the hands shoot up to ask, one comment being 'I don't see the direction or objective of your project'), I was bent on acing this final presentation of a project that comprises 40%(!!) of our grade.
And we did.
Or so I felt. So did my groupmates. One of my groupmates said she thought ours was the best of all the presentations, and, objectively speaking, I'd have to agree. We took pains to explain the flaws of our graphs, and derived a subset of the original dataset, and ultimately fitted reasonable parametric and nonparametric models to model the relationship between volume of strikes in a set of countries and inflation rate. And well, I used my anal-ness in English and editing to meticulously tidy up the slides and the report. Compared with the rest, I say that ours was a step ahead because we were able to conclusive find these models to explain the relationship of the variables, while the other groups had minimally- or non-conclusive final results. It's not that I'm being arrogant or anything, it's just that it feels good to redeem ourselves after the disaster that was Presentation #1, and considering our hard work, the hours in the lab, and the eyebags and zits I earned (which continue to hang around until now) as a result. The downside of this erratic lifestyle, however, is that I'm sleepy and lethargic. And when I get my dose of coffee, let's just say I'm not far off from erratic either. And I don't know, there's still no rhythm la, I've been waiting for the mugging feeling to come so I can study intensely in a consistent and systematic manner, that will have me covering all the material in time. In two weeks.
Or so I felt. So did my groupmates. One of my groupmates said she thought ours was the best of all the presentations, and, objectively speaking, I'd have to agree. We took pains to explain the flaws of our graphs, and derived a subset of the original dataset, and ultimately fitted reasonable parametric and nonparametric models to model the relationship between volume of strikes in a set of countries and inflation rate. And well, I used my anal-ness in English and editing to meticulously tidy up the slides and the report. Compared with the rest, I say that ours was a step ahead because we were able to conclusive find these models to explain the relationship of the variables, while the other groups had minimally- or non-conclusive final results. It's not that I'm being arrogant or anything, it's just that it feels good to redeem ourselves after the disaster that was Presentation #1, and considering our hard work, the hours in the lab, and the eyebags and zits I earned (which continue to hang around until now) as a result. The downside of this erratic lifestyle, however, is that I'm sleepy and lethargic. And when I get my dose of coffee, let's just say I'm not far off from erratic either. And I don't know, there's still no rhythm la, I've been waiting for the mugging feeling to come so I can study intensely in a consistent and systematic manner, that will have me covering all the material in time. In two weeks.* * *
In slightly unrelated news, I'm still Mr Stress Personified. It's not a title I like at all, but it's just the way it is, that's how people see me. I'm not sure if I should be pleased that people are amused by it, because hey, at least they're not avoiding me and I'm thankfully not spreading the stress around, but still... not very fun. Why do I care again what people think about me? I wonder myself.
In a recent episode of DH (Season 4), Susan was taking rather extreme measures to make a good impression on the new neighbors (who happened to be a gay couple) who just moved in on Wisteria Lane. Her husband Mike, finding her attempts ridiculous, asked her, 'Why do you need to make everyone like you?' or something to that effect. I was watching it with Gelo, and we both rolled our eyes. It did seem a bit desperate.
But actually, come to think of it, I may be suffering from the same thing. A milder case, definitely. Well, OK, maybe it's not the same thing. (ahh yes Joseph is a story of contradictions, if you haven't realized that by now) It's just that I want to be friends (or at least in good terms) with everyone, and I don't ever want to cut people off (I did so before and it wasn't much fun), nor be on the receiving end of it. And to be cut off, without knowing a sufficient reason why or how one deserved it, is just plain sad. 'So sad!' as Singaporeans like to say.
Then again, cutting-off is sometimes just the way to go. 'So sad!' yes, but we just have to face facts, and accept the things we can't change. Still I say we let the reconciliatory offer remain on the table, keep it there despite its necessitating a good gulp of one's pride, and let the other party pick it up if he or she so wishes.
But don't walk the offer like a salesman if the response is muted, and ultimately keep some dignity for yourself.
* * *
OK time to get mugging baby. ST3235 Statistical Quality Control is just waiting for me to dive right in. Till the next (overdue) (whiney) (angsty)(does-anything-fun-ever-happen) blog entry!
Randomness
Milo van
violins
Jason Mraz's "You and I Both"
Nerina Pallot's "Sophia"
am i a lucky roommate or what?
sponge bath!
pull a fast one
the mythical lift (elevator) i've been pondering over lately
(is "over" the right word to follow "ponder"?)
why do people sink into depression?
(not why do people sink into depression?)
happy birthday
music! and choir
Penshoppe pink shirt that reads "out of my mind/back in 5 minutes"
feel-good jeans
quasi-monte carlo methods
did you miss me while you were looking for yourself?
do we have to be lost to find ourselves?
the Champagne Supernova "how many special people change" repeat playback in my head
17-year gap with boyfriend!
thanks for your notes
white tie, sexy
blue tie, with pj's!
red tie, where are you?
it was fun to be with you guys again
must we need an occasion to gather?
OK Go's "Oh Lately It's So Quiet"
if you're not here haunting me/whose house are you haunting tonight?
how does it feel to take morphine?
thanks for dinner
hey i missed you
all of you too, needless to say
"i got it from my momma" lol
hospitals still depress me
congrats robs!
the circle of trust
why didn't i discover this earlier?
shared activities
late nights, thank you
working harder than smarter, tsk tsk
missed out on ice cream, i'm sorry
missed out on good company -- next time ok? :)
will you scold me when i see you tomorrow?
hope portugal was good for you
dark cloud hovering
i sit down long enough, and it wraps me up
not the clinical kind, don't worry
"don't sit down" :)
microsoft excel
R
microsoft word
mcdonald's breakfast!
aren't you sweet
missing people
and the missing people
can't read you
stop reading me
connect the dots
go ahead, figure me out
violins
Jason Mraz's "You and I Both"
Nerina Pallot's "Sophia"
am i a lucky roommate or what?
sponge bath!
pull a fast one
the mythical lift (elevator) i've been pondering over lately
(is "over" the right word to follow "ponder"?)
why do people sink into depression?
(not why do people sink into depression?)
happy birthday
music! and choir
Penshoppe pink shirt that reads "out of my mind/back in 5 minutes"
feel-good jeans
quasi-monte carlo methods
did you miss me while you were looking for yourself?
do we have to be lost to find ourselves?
the Champagne Supernova "how many special people change" repeat playback in my head
17-year gap with boyfriend!
thanks for your notes
white tie, sexy
blue tie, with pj's!
red tie, where are you?
it was fun to be with you guys again
must we need an occasion to gather?
OK Go's "Oh Lately It's So Quiet"
if you're not here haunting me/whose house are you haunting tonight?
how does it feel to take morphine?
thanks for dinner
hey i missed you
all of you too, needless to say
"i got it from my momma" lol
hospitals still depress me
congrats robs!
the circle of trust
why didn't i discover this earlier?
shared activities
late nights, thank you
working harder than smarter, tsk tsk
missed out on ice cream, i'm sorry
missed out on good company -- next time ok? :)
will you scold me when i see you tomorrow?
hope portugal was good for you
dark cloud hovering
i sit down long enough, and it wraps me up
not the clinical kind, don't worry
"don't sit down" :)
microsoft excel
R
microsoft word
mcdonald's breakfast!
aren't you sweet
missing people
and the missing people
can't read you
stop reading me
connect the dots
go ahead, figure me out
Whatever happened to..?
Me.
I don't seem to like me very much right now. Just now I heard myself spurt out an expletive I didn't mean at all. I was shocked myself. Now I'm no stranger to expletives, and I believe that, when spoken at that precise time when the situation calls for it, an expletive works perfectly. It's still not a very nice thing, but that's the Joseph of late for you.
Lately I've been oscillating between sleepless, exhausted, lonely, ranty, cranky, sad, disappointed, confused, and all other points in between. Sure there have been good times, when I was hyper and relieved and genuinely happy and was actually having a fun time, but all these bright spots just pale when I sit back and ponder and allow this gloomy darkness to envelope me.
Why do I get too affected? Why can't I just shake off this Superman Syndrome? Ironically, I've been suffering from a bad case of inferiority complex too. Am I contradicting myself? Or am I just a plain wreck? Maybe I'm bipolar? What's wrong with me? Maybe it's just the weather?
I can't seem to be in-synch with the world. Or maybe it's the world I choose to have that's the problem; maybe I shouldn't expect much. As if I have been expecting a lot after all. As if I haven't been pessimistic enough lately.
God knows it takes precious little to make me happy. Why am I denied my little joys? Denied by my own doing, perhaps. Denied by the world I chose to create. Denied by the cosmos, too, most probably.
Am I complaining about the littlest things? Overly whiney again? Maybe, maybe not. I realise that as transparent as I may seem to everyone, and despite my reputation for being weird and emo and 'stress personified', no one except myself can tell the extent of the wreckage that is me.
Well, perhaps Sgt Pepper would know.
(And this blog entry, like the previous one, is not one for Multiplying.)
I don't seem to like me very much right now. Just now I heard myself spurt out an expletive I didn't mean at all. I was shocked myself. Now I'm no stranger to expletives, and I believe that, when spoken at that precise time when the situation calls for it, an expletive works perfectly. It's still not a very nice thing, but that's the Joseph of late for you.
Lately I've been oscillating between sleepless, exhausted, lonely, ranty, cranky, sad, disappointed, confused, and all other points in between. Sure there have been good times, when I was hyper and relieved and genuinely happy and was actually having a fun time, but all these bright spots just pale when I sit back and ponder and allow this gloomy darkness to envelope me.
Why do I get too affected? Why can't I just shake off this Superman Syndrome? Ironically, I've been suffering from a bad case of inferiority complex too. Am I contradicting myself? Or am I just a plain wreck? Maybe I'm bipolar? What's wrong with me? Maybe it's just the weather?
I can't seem to be in-synch with the world. Or maybe it's the world I choose to have that's the problem; maybe I shouldn't expect much. As if I have been expecting a lot after all. As if I haven't been pessimistic enough lately.
God knows it takes precious little to make me happy. Why am I denied my little joys? Denied by my own doing, perhaps. Denied by the world I chose to create. Denied by the cosmos, too, most probably.
Am I complaining about the littlest things? Overly whiney again? Maybe, maybe not. I realise that as transparent as I may seem to everyone, and despite my reputation for being weird and emo and 'stress personified', no one except myself can tell the extent of the wreckage that is me.
Well, perhaps Sgt Pepper would know.
(And this blog entry, like the previous one, is not one for Multiplying.)
Three's
Joseph can't quite blog as long as he would love to, because there's just no time. There's a draft saved, but he couldn't finish it, so that's that. It's a shame, really, because catharsis would be a good thing right about now.
* * *
Over dinner with Cedric at Burger King last night, I again mentioned the Superman Syndrome (or well, actually, Spiderman may be a bit more accurate since Peter Parker is more of a emo wreck) which I claim to be suffering from. It's this drive to "save" people who remotely need some kind of help, the drive to do whatever I can, even if it's none of my business, even if I'm close to prying, even if the persons don't even want or need any saving or help. Cedric said he may have the Kyo Syndrome, which essentially, is the total opposite; Kyo is an anime character who was a cold and brutal samurai, known to have mercilessly slain many other warriors.
* * *
Tonight I had dinner at Subway with Hayati, who claims she "came all the way from the the other side of the country to see me" (indeed Pasir Ris/Tampines are indeed on the other end). She was one of my close friends during the past two years while she was in NUS. She agreed that my Superman Syndrome is also known as "Kaypoh" Syndrome (check Singlish dictionary definition here), she mentioned that she accomplished quite a feat dealing with her recent issues, and she's just simply fun to talk to -- maybe because we're both a mess.
* * *
Three midterm tests down, and I'm officially beat. I flunked one, and I feel horrible about it. Honours Year Project presentation went OK, yesterday, never mind if I had a grand total of 5 hours of sleep in two days.
* * *
Today I had nine hours of of sleep. After the HYP presentation yesterday, I thought I'd give myself a break. I was surprisingly up and about and giddy when I woke up at noon, and then after a while, it felt odd, even somewhat wrong; the last time I slept so long was about three months ago.
* * *
I was bloghopping yesterday and two things struck me: Paul's euthanasia post with the curious concept of a person's "duty to die", and Wayne's post on "new people". For a person who puts a high premium on friendship, I've been thinking about the people I've met, the friends I made, the friends I thought I made, the kind who seem friendly one minute and strangely turn cold in the next, the friends I've made before but who I rarely meet now, the hi-bye people I'd like to befriend even more but circumstances wouldn't allow, the friendships that just happen, those that you just know are genuine and intact, regardless of the time spent together in the friendship-building stage, of the frequency of contact, of the presence or absence of unfriendly times that supposedly strengthen the bond (I know of a person who thinks real friends have to have a a fight somehow for them to be considered close friends). Cedric thinks I'm overly friendly, to the point of being too transparent, and I agree, actually, that it may be a fault; maybe I'll try being more opaque.
* * *
James Blunt's new single is called 1973. I don't particularly find the song fantastic, and I like Rachael Yamagata's 1963 more -- it's just summery and lovely. But if I were to choose a song named after years (and that end in three too), I guess I'd go for John Mayer's 83.
I'd post more, but I feel I've taken too long to write this entry yet again. I have two sentences left to say what I want (unless I use fancy punctuation marks and sentence coordinators like the 'and' that's coming up after the comma), and maybe I'll use the first to say that all-nighters and exhaustion and intensive brain activity and overthinking about friendships and relationships don't exactly make a happy mix. I guess I'll just have to find my own lingaw (loosely translated it means "fun"), as my Bisaya friend in Davao used to say, but until I get into the groove of finding good stuff from the little things I used to enjoy, I think I need to just rest, and breathe, and relax, and, well, actually, I could use a hug and a pat too.
* * *
Over dinner with Cedric at Burger King last night, I again mentioned the Superman Syndrome (or well, actually, Spiderman may be a bit more accurate since Peter Parker is more of a emo wreck) which I claim to be suffering from. It's this drive to "save" people who remotely need some kind of help, the drive to do whatever I can, even if it's none of my business, even if I'm close to prying, even if the persons don't even want or need any saving or help. Cedric said he may have the Kyo Syndrome, which essentially, is the total opposite; Kyo is an anime character who was a cold and brutal samurai, known to have mercilessly slain many other warriors.
* * *
Tonight I had dinner at Subway with Hayati, who claims she "came all the way from the the other side of the country to see me" (indeed Pasir Ris/Tampines are indeed on the other end). She was one of my close friends during the past two years while she was in NUS. She agreed that my Superman Syndrome is also known as "Kaypoh" Syndrome (check Singlish dictionary definition here), she mentioned that she accomplished quite a feat dealing with her recent issues, and she's just simply fun to talk to -- maybe because we're both a mess.
* * *
Three midterm tests down, and I'm officially beat. I flunked one, and I feel horrible about it. Honours Year Project presentation went OK, yesterday, never mind if I had a grand total of 5 hours of sleep in two days.
* * *
Today I had nine hours of of sleep. After the HYP presentation yesterday, I thought I'd give myself a break. I was surprisingly up and about and giddy when I woke up at noon, and then after a while, it felt odd, even somewhat wrong; the last time I slept so long was about three months ago.
* * *
I was bloghopping yesterday and two things struck me: Paul's euthanasia post with the curious concept of a person's "duty to die", and Wayne's post on "new people". For a person who puts a high premium on friendship, I've been thinking about the people I've met, the friends I made, the friends I thought I made, the kind who seem friendly one minute and strangely turn cold in the next, the friends I've made before but who I rarely meet now, the hi-bye people I'd like to befriend even more but circumstances wouldn't allow, the friendships that just happen, those that you just know are genuine and intact, regardless of the time spent together in the friendship-building stage, of the frequency of contact, of the presence or absence of unfriendly times that supposedly strengthen the bond (I know of a person who thinks real friends have to have a a fight somehow for them to be considered close friends). Cedric thinks I'm overly friendly, to the point of being too transparent, and I agree, actually, that it may be a fault; maybe I'll try being more opaque.
* * *
James Blunt's new single is called 1973. I don't particularly find the song fantastic, and I like Rachael Yamagata's 1963 more -- it's just summery and lovely. But if I were to choose a song named after years (and that end in three too), I guess I'd go for John Mayer's 83.
I have these dreams I'm walking home* * *
home where it used to be
everything is as it was
frozen in front of me
here I stand six feet small
romanticizing years ago
but it's a bittersweet feeling
hearing "Wrapped Around Your Finger" on the radio
and these days
I wish I was six again
oh make me a red cape
I wanna be Superman
oh if only my life was more like 1983
all these things would be more like they were at the start of me
had it made in 83
thinking 'bout my brother Ben
I miss him everyday
he looks just like his brother John
but on an eighteen month delay
here I stand six feet small
and smiling cause I'm scared as hell
kinda like your life is like a sequel to a movie
where the actors' names have changed
. . .
and most my memories have escaped me
or confused themselves with dreams
if heaven's all they want it to be
send your prayers to me care of 1983
. . .
I'd post more, but I feel I've taken too long to write this entry yet again. I have two sentences left to say what I want (unless I use fancy punctuation marks and sentence coordinators like the 'and' that's coming up after the comma), and maybe I'll use the first to say that all-nighters and exhaustion and intensive brain activity and overthinking about friendships and relationships don't exactly make a happy mix. I guess I'll just have to find my own lingaw (loosely translated it means "fun"), as my Bisaya friend in Davao used to say, but until I get into the groove of finding good stuff from the little things I used to enjoy, I think I need to just rest, and breathe, and relax, and, well, actually, I could use a hug and a pat too.
It goes without saying
It's been ridiculously long since my last post, but I feel that now may possibly be a good time. My eyes are sore, I have a throbbing headache, the Self-Access English Learning Facility where I'm currently am doing my part-time job is quiet and cold (both because there are too few students around because it's the midterm break over here at NUS), and there have been too many thoughts swimming in my head I want to coop them all up in one long blog entry.
How I've managed to not blog when so many things have happened can only be explained by two words: Honours Year. Add to that Joseph's incurable Superman Syndrome, driving him to want to do this and that and this again, never mind the physical/emotional/mental toll (hello part-time job, hello Executive Editor for the school magazine, goodbye NUS Choir though), and good old fussiness (about everything else except his hostel room), and you have, ladies and gentlemen, an explosive recipe that can go either way -- it can be mindblowingly fantastic (or Drastic Fantastic if you, like me, like Scottish singer KT Tunstall), or it can be, well, massively disastrous.
But then again, I ask myself, what's new? Joseph has earned a reputation for being stressed and high-strung regarding schoolwork and everything else for the longest time here in the University, so yeah, I guess it's just like that. All in a day's work.
* * *
Needless to say, the past few weeks have been incredibly hectic for me. The highlight of it all, perhaps, was the week that just passed. On Thursday I had a tutorial submission due for my Computer-Intensive Statistical Methods class, and it required long computer lab sessions involving random number generation and simulation. On Friday I had two projects due: one was a discussion on statistical tests of a research study for my Clinical Trials module, and another was the first presentation for my Nonparametric Statistics project.
The Computer-Intensive Stats tutorial I couldn't understand at all, let alone how to actually derive the formulas and come up with computer codes. A classmate lent me her senior's notes, and even then, trying to work backwards, I still couldn't understand. Depressing. I finished it up in the end, and then it was on to the Clinical Trials project. Never before have I crammed for a project due in two days' time. And it wasn't because I was slacking too, trust me. I did half of it, and postponed the rest until Friday afternoon, as the deadline was Friday midnight. I focused instead on my Nonparametric Statistics project, a group project, but which only I was tasked to present as I did most of the programming codes, and because I spoke more fluent English than my Chinese groupmates. Tidied up the presentation, even used the LateX program so the equations would look more professional, and slept for my usual four to five hours a night.
So I presented at 10:30AM, and after I presented, I asked the small class of 15, "Any questions?" To my absolute horror, almost everyone's hands were up. My heart sank. Of course I tried to regain composure and joke around a bit while asking for reinforcements in the form of my three Chinese groupmates, but in the end, it was, just like that: we were too caught up doing the numerical and graphical analysis of the data that we forgot the underlying assumptions in the first place, the actual real-life interpretation of the data, and the aim and direction of the entire project. "Don't be upset, it was fine. You just need to think about your data more," our lecturer and my Honours Year Project supervisor Dr Chen was saying. Well I was upset, for sure, but thanks Dr Chen, for always being nice and encouraging.
Later in the evening, after getting over the presentation that bombed, I continued doing my Clinical Trials project. In the midst of the task, I received some email from the layout artists from The Ridge, the student magazine of which I'm the Executive Editor. He asked why the article he was supposed to layout was not uploaded in the Yahoo!groups yet. Mea culpa. I promised it would be up in an hour's time. I edited the article quick, and resumed doing my project. My phone rang after a few minutes. It was another layout artist, asking about another article that wasn't up yet, apparently taking the cue from the earlier one who emailed. I asked, "Err.. are you doing your layout now?" "Yes" was the reply. OK, so Joseph did some quick quick editing and file up in 20 minutes. In the end I dropped the hardcopy of my project in my lecturer's pigeonhole (I walked from my room to the Science building) at 2AM , two hours after the deadline. I was thinking, he would not notice anyway. Haha I remember Karen doing the same for our film history module last semester at 1AM, while I dutifully submitted right on the dot after much mad typing and even madder running at 4:55PM. Haha.
Anyway, so that's that. I don't want to quote Matchbox Twenty's Mad Season again in this blog, or my nick on Windows Live Messenger. Haha suffice it to say, that it absolutely is Mad Season right now in NUS. It goes without saying.
* * *
Wow, it's 3:46PM already, and I began typing at 2:42PM. I will always be fascinated at my incredibly slow writing speed. I'd like to think it's more than just typing. It's thinking and reflecting, and deconstructing and reconstructing all at the same time. It may not be coherent, but that's fine. Somehow, I'm feeling slightly less stressed now, now that the burdens of the past weeks have been, well, cyber-inked and chronicled. I still have a lot to say, but it gets personal, and I'll leave that for the next entry, which will probably come way sooner than you think.
Wipe that smirk off your face
For the record, Joseph is exhausted. He has been doing his part-time job (8 bucks an hour baby) at SELF for the past few afternoons, and been swamped by lectures and tutorials and editing The Ridge's September issue. Last night, he stayed at the statistics lab until past midnight to do his tutorial due at 8AM this morning (went to Computer Centre to print too at 720AM). Turns out all his answers were wrong! Man, they weren't kidding when they named the module Computer Intensive Statistical Methods.
Back-to-back lectures and tutorials today, and you know the feeling of pretending to follow the prof when you actually don't? The feeling of trying to look smart and well, hoping like hell that he wouldn't call you to answer? Dr Gan of my ST3235 Statistical Quality Control class singled me out today, asking me why my face wasn't among the class roster photos he printed out. See, he randomly calls people to participate and answer his questions. Haha but he's a nice guy, and he didn't call me to answer any of the tutorial questions. Yay. I'll buy the textbook tomorrow and be a good student and read the readings during the weekend.
Lunched with a pissed Paul at Bizad. Haha. Whoops not my fault your phone died on you man.:) Strange how he's a Pinoy here in NUS and I met him only this year. He reminds me a lot of one of my favorite cousins. The jokingly annoying kind. Got soaked in the rain on the way to SELF for my afternoon duty. Shared a good laugh with Ms Chan, the nice spunky lady who's my boss, and who was my lecturer for GEM1008 Evaluating Academic Arguments a few sems back. (I got A- for that module too.=P) Talked with YS online during a lull at SELF. Haha I'm incredibly happy for him. And for an online friendship, this one turned out pretty well.
Back-to-back lectures and tutorials today, and you know the feeling of pretending to follow the prof when you actually don't? The feeling of trying to look smart and well, hoping like hell that he wouldn't call you to answer? Dr Gan of my ST3235 Statistical Quality Control class singled me out today, asking me why my face wasn't among the class roster photos he printed out. See, he randomly calls people to participate and answer his questions. Haha but he's a nice guy, and he didn't call me to answer any of the tutorial questions. Yay. I'll buy the textbook tomorrow and be a good student and read the readings during the weekend.
Lunched with a pissed Paul at Bizad. Haha. Whoops not my fault your phone died on you man.:) Strange how he's a Pinoy here in NUS and I met him only this year. He reminds me a lot of one of my favorite cousins. The jokingly annoying kind. Got soaked in the rain on the way to SELF for my afternoon duty. Shared a good laugh with Ms Chan, the nice spunky lady who's my boss, and who was my lecturer for GEM1008 Evaluating Academic Arguments a few sems back. (I got A- for that module too.=P) Talked with YS online during a lull at SELF. Haha I'm incredibly happy for him. And for an online friendship, this one turned out pretty well.
I rushed off to conduct interviews for new writers for The Ridge at YIH after an early dinner. Gooooood stuff, never mind if by this time I was positively looking haggard and washed out from exhaustion (but of course still presentable). I actually like interviewing people. Too bad I won't be doing this much anytime soon. The interviewees visibly find me rather quirky (or OK weird or whatever because of my fast-talking and random rambling but it's fun la -- and I think it's called charm really LOL), but it's a good thing I have the 'up since 7AM' and 'high on coffee' and 'try doing statistics tutorials' excuses.:)
OK time's up time to go home. I've been here at the Computer Centre (again) in the hopes of doing my two statistics tutorials, but to no avail. But I'm still OK, I think I've gotten used to the long days and nights, and I still can't wipe the smirk off my face. Haha.
*OK after re-reading this post I realize maybe I should minimize my coffee intake. I sound hyper even for me. Hehe.
The Multiply No-Cross-Post Test
This is the Multiply No-Cross-Post Test.
Blah blah blah yada yada yada oooh wheee shoobidoowap
If this works, then I can get some reasonable degree of privacy after all.
Why did I cross-post some entries on Multiply again? Haha maybe I just got a little too giddy.
This is the end of the Multiply No-Cross-Post Test.
Nothing follows
Blah blah blah yada yada yada oooh wheee shoobidoowap
If this works, then I can get some reasonable degree of privacy after all.
Why did I cross-post some entries on Multiply again? Haha maybe I just got a little too giddy.
This is the end of the Multiply No-Cross-Post Test.
Nothing follows
Happenstance
It's a story of randomness, really, our lives. No matter how we think we've calculated our every move and figured out the trajectory of our course, we almost always end up with those little surprises, pleasant or nasty -- but for now let's focus on the good stuff. Partly because it's 4:06AM and I'm feeling reflective, and partly because Joseph is still high on Rachael Yamagata's lovely, lovely music.
Rachael's 2004 album is entitled Happenstance, and aside from it being awesome and dare-I-say-it sublime (haha Huai Zhi recently pointed out to me how some people use the word 'sublime' for no good reason, say to describe the WOMAD festival events, but of course I know better), it's just inspiring, really.
And I just love the title 'Happenstance'. It's an artsy way of describing a chance happening or event, or coincidence; it's the amalgamation of "happening" and "circumstance". And for a Statistics major and English Studies minor like me, the word is a product of two of my favorite things: creative wordplay and the brilliant idea of chance (or likelihood, or probability if you will).
* * *
Maybe I'm posting this because I'm pretty much caught off-guard right now. And that's a good thing, I suppose, because I'm still able to find some surprises in the increasingly routinary motions of University life, or, okay, life in general. Maybe it's being twenty-one, and wanting to jumpstart life like I've never done before, maybe it's the Final Year thing that gets me thinking about the imminent jobhunt or post-grad or the youth I'm not ready to let go of just yet. Or, maybe it's just the Honours Year Project, my undone labs and tutorials for the week, and the editing and writing for The Ridge. But I digress. What I'm really saying is that for all the bouts of blah-ness and sian-ness ('sian', pronounced /sien/ is Singlish for 'jaded'), I'm still up and about, on the lookout for my next pleasant surprise.
I pretty much thought I'd have the past few months and the coming ones figured out, from my internship, to NUS Choir, to Honours Year modules, to The Ridge, to my part-time job at SELF, and even to lunchmates and dinnermates and mugging-mates and friends, both offline and online, both in Singapore and in the Philippines. But I sit here and recount my experiences for the past few weeks, and realize that it's been an interesting leg in my as-yet destinationless journey. And that makes me smile.
* * *
I've had to loosen my grip and sever some ties, adjust my footing to secure my grounding, take back my unacknowledged outstretched hand, and yet I've also learned to look around, to hang on tightly to those I've taken for granted, to be more watchful of the things that have gone unnoticed or undiscovered for the longest time, to be patient and accepting of random junk hurled my way, and to be welcoming to new faces and friends and more surprises(!) as I take the plunge into as-yet untested waters.
* * *
It's 5:10AM, and this blog entry took an hour and four minutes to write! Quite unbelievable I realize, but since I rarely blog nowadays, I think it's time well spent (although yeah, I must learn to write faster).
I'm still smiling.
Rachael's 2004 album is entitled Happenstance, and aside from it being awesome and dare-I-say-it sublime (haha Huai Zhi recently pointed out to me how some people use the word 'sublime' for no good reason, say to describe the WOMAD festival events, but of course I know better), it's just inspiring, really.
And I just love the title 'Happenstance'. It's an artsy way of describing a chance happening or event, or coincidence; it's the amalgamation of "happening" and "circumstance". And for a Statistics major and English Studies minor like me, the word is a product of two of my favorite things: creative wordplay and the brilliant idea of chance (or likelihood, or probability if you will).
* * *
Maybe I'm posting this because I'm pretty much caught off-guard right now. And that's a good thing, I suppose, because I'm still able to find some surprises in the increasingly routinary motions of University life, or, okay, life in general. Maybe it's being twenty-one, and wanting to jumpstart life like I've never done before, maybe it's the Final Year thing that gets me thinking about the imminent jobhunt or post-grad or the youth I'm not ready to let go of just yet. Or, maybe it's just the Honours Year Project, my undone labs and tutorials for the week, and the editing and writing for The Ridge. But I digress. What I'm really saying is that for all the bouts of blah-ness and sian-ness ('sian', pronounced /sien/ is Singlish for 'jaded'), I'm still up and about, on the lookout for my next pleasant surprise.
I pretty much thought I'd have the past few months and the coming ones figured out, from my internship, to NUS Choir, to Honours Year modules, to The Ridge, to my part-time job at SELF, and even to lunchmates and dinnermates and mugging-mates and friends, both offline and online, both in Singapore and in the Philippines. But I sit here and recount my experiences for the past few weeks, and realize that it's been an interesting leg in my as-yet destinationless journey. And that makes me smile.
* * *
I've had to loosen my grip and sever some ties, adjust my footing to secure my grounding, take back my unacknowledged outstretched hand, and yet I've also learned to look around, to hang on tightly to those I've taken for granted, to be more watchful of the things that have gone unnoticed or undiscovered for the longest time, to be patient and accepting of random junk hurled my way, and to be welcoming to new faces and friends and more surprises(!) as I take the plunge into as-yet untested waters.
* * *
It's 5:10AM, and this blog entry took an hour and four minutes to write! Quite unbelievable I realize, but since I rarely blog nowadays, I think it's time well spent (although yeah, I must learn to write faster).
I'm still smiling.
That Bloggin' Feelin'
Haha apparently I've lost it, that bloggin' feelin'.
I want to blog, really, and there have been more than enough events and sufficient flurry of emotional/physical/mental/even mathematical and statistical activity lately, that the Joseph of 2004 or 2005, would have blogged about instantly. But I dunno. Apparently, (cue music) I've lost that [bloggin'] feelin'. Kulit ko.
If I did blog, I would blog about choir, about moving out of Tower Block and into a double room at Old Kent Ridge, about my quirky (and thoroughly amusing) new Chinese roomie, using my dear sister's Mac iBook becasue my 5-year-old Compaq laptop is severely sick, my online chats with old friends, my gradual loss of contact with some other friends, the Pinoy meetup cum karaoke session where yours truly hogged the Magic Sing microphone, the Singapore Citizenship Ceremony the NUS Choir sang for at the Parliament House (we were on Channel News Asia for a few seconds!) and the subsequent big yummy buffet, followed by the fantastic fireworks we watched by the Esplanade Bridge (and the throw-up episode I had thanks to the buffet -- it was just too much for me to handle), my brief yet refreshing meet-up with my long-lost friend Richelle of my AJSS days back in '02 (she came over to Singapore for a few days thanks to the Storm & Flood Holidays in Manila), my Honours Year Project (on implied and realized volatility of high-frequency data pertaining to stock options), my maddening brain-twisting Level 4000 modules, and The Ridge and the long 302 research, and unfinished articles, and my part-time job at SELF (Self-Access English Learning Facility) and how I screwed up on the very first day yesterday.
Haha. I can't believe I'm just rattling off events now, instead of ranting or raving about them. Tell you what, why don't you, dear blog reader, talk to me in person or via MSN, or Gmail, or Yahoo Messenger, or Chikka, or M1 instead? I'll be most glad to talk. And listen. And ask about your day.
Am I rambling? Yes I am. And I haven't even talked about news from home, how our house was broken into and our PC and some items were stolen. Thank God everything is fine now.:D But I digress.
I think it's time to sleep now. And the music of Rachael Yamagata, Paolo Nutini, and Sunset Daze are still ringing in my head.:) Goodnight.
I want to blog, really, and there have been more than enough events and sufficient flurry of emotional/physical/mental/even mathematical and statistical activity lately, that the Joseph of 2004 or 2005, would have blogged about instantly. But I dunno. Apparently, (cue music) I've lost that [bloggin'] feelin'. Kulit ko.
If I did blog, I would blog about choir, about moving out of Tower Block and into a double room at Old Kent Ridge, about my quirky (and thoroughly amusing) new Chinese roomie, using my dear sister's Mac iBook becasue my 5-year-old Compaq laptop is severely sick, my online chats with old friends, my gradual loss of contact with some other friends, the Pinoy meetup cum karaoke session where yours truly hogged the Magic Sing microphone, the Singapore Citizenship Ceremony the NUS Choir sang for at the Parliament House (we were on Channel News Asia for a few seconds!) and the subsequent big yummy buffet, followed by the fantastic fireworks we watched by the Esplanade Bridge (and the throw-up episode I had thanks to the buffet -- it was just too much for me to handle), my brief yet refreshing meet-up with my long-lost friend Richelle of my AJSS days back in '02 (she came over to Singapore for a few days thanks to the Storm & Flood Holidays in Manila), my Honours Year Project (on implied and realized volatility of high-frequency data pertaining to stock options), my maddening brain-twisting Level 4000 modules, and The Ridge and the long 302 research, and unfinished articles, and my part-time job at SELF (Self-Access English Learning Facility) and how I screwed up on the very first day yesterday.
Haha. I can't believe I'm just rattling off events now, instead of ranting or raving about them. Tell you what, why don't you, dear blog reader, talk to me in person or via MSN, or Gmail, or Yahoo Messenger, or Chikka, or M1 instead? I'll be most glad to talk. And listen. And ask about your day.
Am I rambling? Yes I am. And I haven't even talked about news from home, how our house was broken into and our PC and some items were stolen. Thank God everything is fine now.:D But I digress.
I think it's time to sleep now. And the music of Rachael Yamagata, Paolo Nutini, and Sunset Daze are still ringing in my head.:) Goodnight.
Make my day
It takes so little, actually. Joseph isn't hard to please.
Thank you to those who do it effortlessly. Who need not even do it consciously or with intent.
You make my day. And I am most thankful even if I don't spell it out.
* * *
Sigh. I wish Blogger could read my mind so I don't have to type out what's in my head. I miss blogging. I miss telling my friends and family what mind monsters I've recently killed and those that continue to haunt me. Let's talk soon, yeah?
Joseph is swimming in thoughts now -- of roommates, of friends, of online and offline friends, of Honours Year Project, of Carrots Consulting, of leaving and starting afresh. And the Philippines, of course. How I wish I were back home for a well-deserved breather.
Music of the Moment: Mat Kearney - Where We Gonna Go From Here
Currently feeling pensive.
Thank you to those who do it effortlessly. Who need not even do it consciously or with intent.
You make my day. And I am most thankful even if I don't spell it out.
* * *
Sigh. I wish Blogger could read my mind so I don't have to type out what's in my head. I miss blogging. I miss telling my friends and family what mind monsters I've recently killed and those that continue to haunt me. Let's talk soon, yeah?
Joseph is swimming in thoughts now -- of roommates, of friends, of online and offline friends, of Honours Year Project, of Carrots Consulting, of leaving and starting afresh. And the Philippines, of course. How I wish I were back home for a well-deserved breather.
Music of the Moment: Mat Kearney - Where We Gonna Go From Here
Currently feeling pensive.
Great.
One of the increasingly rare times I decide to make a blog entry, and after completing the bloody long post, it won't publish and I receive an error message from Blogger. And that's it. Poof. Gone.
Just great. And I thought the function that autosaves drafts works. Quite an emo post that was, and I'm not sure I have the energy to write it again. Oh well.
Apparently blogs are cathartic only when the message you want to get out of your system is actually out and published.
12:27AM and I think it's time to leave the Computer Centre and go back to the room.
Just great. And I thought the function that autosaves drafts works. Quite an emo post that was, and I'm not sure I have the energy to write it again. Oh well.
Apparently blogs are cathartic only when the message you want to get out of your system is actually out and published.
12:27AM and I think it's time to leave the Computer Centre and go back to the room.
