Here comes the crunch

Here comes the crunch

Let me tell you a secret. Calculus scares me. We're not very good friends, really.. and come to think of it, ever since. For a while before, it seemed appealing and "cool" in a dorky kind of way, but now I'm just freaked out about faring in the exam the way I did in that horrible horrible midterm test. The worst thing about that midterm test is that it could have been easy, had I done this and that and whatever else. How I got 1.0 (top marks) in my Calculus class in my senior year in high school, I'm not too sure now.

My week-long silence from the blogosphere can be explained by what else, the exams. It's been Medical Library or MD7 or Yusof Ishak House for me and fellow muggers Ferron, Arthur, Nestor, Ivy, sometimes Karen and Brian. So, with four exams down and one more to go, I guess my state of mind can be captured by this photo taken at YIH during one all-nighter session.

Ahh. After my Advanced Calculus II paper at 5PM today, the first thing I'm gonna make sure I'll do is get myself some SLEEP. Get rid of my eyebags, and reclaim my sanity!

But of course, if the unplanned-but-sort-of-planned clubbing session pushes through tonight, then by all means, let the party begin!

For now, though, let me indulge in my newfound friend Calculus. We're getting chummy now. I hope. Ahh.. the smell of freedom. Just a day away. Can't wait.

Library Boy

Library Boy

OK, maybe that last post was a bit over the top. Nah, not really, goes my inner Gollum.

Just the same, before my folks panic and send me more words of encouragement (and remind me to watch my language too), and just so I wouldn't freak out some people by seemingly branding them lurkers or noisy moviemates or librarymates when I don't mean them them anyway, or at least, placing them at the receiving end of my random spurts of hatred, I'm posting this post so that that incriminating post will be reduced to runner-up position.

Yeah, that, and to simply just say that I'm not angry with the world, even if that outburst seemed to point in that direction. If you fear you're a lurker, then by all means, please continue to email or send me private comments. Haha, but really, thanks to those who outed themselves. Some didn't have to, really, because yep we're cool. :)

What's the point of this post again? Ahh.. yes. Just so I could post my wonderful library pic. Thanks to Ferron and his trusty camera phone as usual.

Ain't I cute in the pic? Haha, yes... the dorky, cheap-thrill, kiddie sort of "cute" though. Not exactly what every nineteen-year-old wants to look like eh? Blurgh, it's still cute what.

Medical Library rocks. (And I am such a dork. Hopefully this will translate to good grades though!)


Indisposed

Indisposed

Yeah, that's just the nice way of saying I'm not in the mood.

The revision for the exams must have gotten to me, although I'm pretty sure that's not all that's agitating me right now. And "right now" is an important time too, barely three days before my first exam in a string of five.

Yeah. Three days before my exams. What a time to stray from my intended study master plan. What a time to go all ballistic over what other people would find trivial.

Let it be noted that this is again one of those times that I wish for a private blog. Because that way, I can rant more fucking freely.

What the hell, I'm gonna say it here anyway. I hate spoilers. I hate noisy people in the library. I hate noisy spoilers in the cinema. Fucking spoiled my Harry Potter.

Since I'm so annoyed, let me direct my annoyance at those who read my blog but never mention that they do. I hate you too, you lurkers.

If you lurker, would kindly wish to un-lurk yourself and enter my circle of trust, send me an email or comment privately in this blog. This lurker issue is driving me crazy. Maybe I should put a make this a "Friends Only" blog, but that doesn't quite sit well with me, as some random visitors turn out to be nice friends too, e.g. Kiko and Cruise and Tatatee.

Hmm.. let the one who most deserves it not be spared my infliction of hatred: myself. I hate myself right now, for not studying hard enough, for making a stupid timetable only to render it dynamic and flexible and delaying everything, for giving in to distractions whenever I'm supposed to be studying, and mostly, for allowing myself to get affected by things that I cannot control.

God I feel like such a loser. A bitter, fucked-up loser who's losing it.

Dammit, I'm cramming five modules' worth of information in my head, please bear with me.

Jesus help me.


P.S. I've just read this post, and it seems like I've spewed out a lot of stuff here. That should be enough. That should be a release of the toxins that's been stored too long in my head. Supposedly, I should feel better.

It's 5:37PM now. I've decided that I shall forget this episode and carry on with my life at 6:00PM, and feel better. For now I'm taking a shower.


Right Now

Right Now

And the mugging intensifies. Yep, the exams are just homing in on paranoid undergrads in NUS, and everyone's in a frenzy.

Even my mood , too. I have, since Sunday, suspected that the Medical Library, does things to its guests (practically inhabitants, as virtually the same faces can be seen every day, mine included). I dunno, I think it loosens some screws in the head. Or maybe I'm just weird by nature. Or weirder by nature during exam season. Well, at least I can attribute my offness to something now.

Anyway, the mood swings have been crazy. I've experienced a good taste of stupid mindless euphoria sometime today, then it was fatigue, then it was disappointment with self, then it was just fun. Hehe well thanks to my mugging-mates Ferron and Arthur and sing-along-mate Ivy and Karen and Nestor. It's been crazy, really. And I cannot pinpoint one general state of mind or emotion that could well describe today. `

But I sure know what I'm thinking and feeling RIGHT NOW. And that's related to what I learned is the worst thing about being stressed. Mentally and physically stressed, as in right now. Yeah, the worst thing is that the stress is taking my sunshine away, and I am bordering on depression. I just get damn depressed. In a strange way. Not all the time. Random bouts of it.

Oh yeah, some thought crossed my mind moments ago. I think Joseph is gonna need a new blog. For X reasons. Doesn't mean I'm resigning from Moonstruck, Inc. I think. Nah, we'll figure that out later. Who knows, maybe a change from one funky layout to new one might do the trick.

7:39AM already. Ahh.. about time I get some sleep.

Big love to you all. Whoever you are.

Just Because

Just Because

I used to blog a lot. For some reason, there was always something blogworthy going on in my life. Or at least, there was always something I deemed blogworthy. I dunno now whether I've become jaded or grown old (!) or have unknowingly reached some been-there-done-that stage, that it takes much more to catch my attention. Or, well, maybe I'm just lazy. Busy, more like it.

Just the same, I don't know what to blog right now. Nor why I'm blogging, when my Game Theory notes are waiting to be deciphered. Thus I shall revert to the default "reason" some people give when in fact they're reason-less: Just because.

Come to think of it, Just because is one of the nicest reasons one can give. Really. OK so that presupposes that Just because is a "reason" in my book, when it may not really be a reason at all, but what the heck. Do something nice for me and sincerely tell me you're doing it "just because".. and woohoo yeah I love you already.

Well, it's a different case if you eat boogers or don't shower for a week just because. Yeah, you know what I mean.

What I'm saying is that while just because can mean anything, really, it can mean something stupid or mundane, OR it can mean some something that's way up there, something that's inexplicable, but for sure along the lines of happy words such as love and life and light and laughter, or, if you ask Gwen Stefani, somewhere near "Love. Angel. Music. Baby." =P

So yeah. I love my family and friends and KR folks and NUS Choir folks and mugging-mates and tutorial-mates. Heck, I even love Singapore. But of course I love the Philippines more. Hehe. Some of these I love a little bit more than the rest, well, just because.

Sometimes I'd like to believe in some mystical connection between me and people (places and objects too I guess?), really. I dunno, maybe it's the vibe. In fact I've tried to find some pattern in names or check the zodiac or whatever else. I'd like to believe it works. Haha, well, sometimes.

Yeah, that's why it's infinitely easier to simply say Just Because.
`


P.S. Cool. Another impromptu blog entry that I begun with nothing in mind, but somehow I managed to ramble on long enough to produce a few paragraphs. Haha. Now let's get mugging Jose!



Good Day

Good Day

Mugging season is finally finally here. It's supposed to be all throughout the semester, really, but now the signs are screaming in your face. Three weeks to to the exams, wrap-up of lectures and tutorials, rushing of projects and assignments, libraries teeming with people... ahh I love it! Not.

But I don't mind much, really. It's OK. It's just that the pressure is starting to build up, and it's taking slowly up my breathing space. But nah, I'll live. There is life after exams. :)

* * *

A string of holidays it is for Singapura this week. It was a public holiday yesterday November 1st, not because it was All Saints Day, but because it was Deepavali day, some Hindu feast about lights and good/light's triumph over evil/darkness. Something like that. Tomorrow, November 3rd, is another holiday, this time for the Muslims, who will celebrate their Hari Raya.

If I were in the Philippines, November 1st and 2nd would be holidays as well, methinks, because it's All Saints Day and All Souls Day, respectively. I am unsure whether these two are Catholic celebrations only (in contrast with other religions including non-Catholic Christianity), although I suspect so. Christians (there's that odd commonly used distinction between "Christians" and "Catholics", with the former referring to those non-Catholic Christians) do not believe in saints, as far as I know, so Nov 1 is out of the question. Regarding All Souls Day, I didn't really hear a buzz about it among my Christian Singaporean friends here (who largely outnumber my Catholic Singaporean friends), so yeah, maybe it's a Catholic thing.

Anyway, Nov 1 was a day of obligation so I made sure I went to mass. Today, Nov 2, was not, but I went again anyway. I'm happy I did. I'm also happy I went alone. I don't know, it's a personal thing, but it just feels light going to church. I could just sit there after mass and feel comforted. Especially now, that schoolwork is taking more than its usual toll on my sanity. Especially now, that we are to remember our beloved family and friends who have gone ahead of us.

* * *

Now let's get mushy. I miss my Kuya Schroeder. And my Lola Nene, Lolo Yoyong, and Lolo S. My brother mostly, because sometimes I can't help but think what would it be like if he wasn't stricken by that strange kidney disease when he was three (I was one). I'm sure my younger sister Kai thinks the same way, because well, when we were little and we'd have these kiddie fights, she'd sometimes blurt out, "Sana si Kuya Schroeder na lang andito!" Haha funny when I think about it now. And come on, everybody who knows me well can tell I'm not as held-together as I want to, and it would be great to have a big brother to do the growing up the trial-and-error way, and to tell me afterwards what works and what doesn't.

Haha. I love my grandfolks too, of course.

* * *

Hmm. The previous paragraphs were a bit too mushy to my liking. This is the part where my blog turns into a journal, more of a diary. Not a bulletin board of "news" that one reads to get updated on the goings-on. Friends can read my journal, by all means, but those who are looking for newsworthy material please go read the entertainment columns of your favorite newspaper. Or please go find other blogs that thrive on the attention that the general public gives them. Not that that's a bad thing, really; it's just not me.

* * *

Lalalala.. did I just digress? Haha. It's a good day today. Did my Statistics assignment and, among the 6 assignments (each of which counts for 5% of the grade), I felt that I contributed most on this one, the last of the six, in the usual trio discussion Kevin, Diana and I have.

It's a good sign. I'm actually liking my major, Statistics, again. Hmm.. now to persuade myself to like Calculus (or more accurately, for it to like me). :D

Mugging day tomorrow. Time to get some sleep.

I'm still happy.

Weekend Ramblings

Weekend Ramblings

Ah yes it's a glorious sunny weekend in Singapura and I am officially resting. This time I won't feel bad not working because all sorts of physical, mental, emotional activity drained the life out of me the past week. It was supposed to be two weeks after hell week already, but it sure felt like hell week all over again.

Not hell hell week actually. Hmm.. I was just So. Damn. Tired. But I was okay. The happy still-can-make-it kind of tired.

* * *

Monday was ST2137 (Computer Aided Data Analysis) 2nd midterm test day. When asked by a few Pinoys how it went, I said it was OK lor. Karen thought that was a good sign, because my usual post-exam mood of late is one of bitterness and ego-bashing. OK lor. Hope the results turn out well.

It was an open-book test, too. And I think for tests of this kind, what one needs to do is to be sufficiently armed with the right tools. Tools that make sense to the examinee, of course. One has to sharpen these tools, and make them accessible. More tools, the better. Throw away the useless blunt ones.

* * *

Tuesday we had my Managerial Econs group's 2nd case presentation, and we discussed two-part tariffs. It was weird because unlike our previous presentation some weeks back, nobody seemed to step up to the plate and take charge of collating and organizing the Powerpoint, or actually, more of piecing everything together to make the presentation, well, presentable. So I did it over the weekend, squeezing it in between my intensive mugging sessions for ST2137 test on Monday morning. Presentation turned out okay, too. My question was a bit on the tricky side, and I thought my argument, although very sensible and smart, had a resonable amount of BS (dunno how it could be smart and crappy but nobody seemed to question it.. no alternative answer I guess). Our tutor asked about it, he seemed to question some things on how I answered the question, but now I don't think he said it was wrong. He also didn't give any concrete right answer methinks. So it must be right!

* * *

Oh, we finished our Calculus lecture on Tuesday too. Freaked out a bit because, well, it's finally over! No more excuse for Dr Wu to exclude some questions because we haven't discussed them yet. And that effectively means the students are supposed to know everything about Advanced Calculus II/Mathematical Analysis I by now. Gasp. That's a bit scary, if you ask me.

* * *

Tuesday night I thought I could rest, but wooot, Wednesday was Tutorial Day, and I could not afford to screw up in probable presentation in our last tutorial for Calculus, nor in the required group presentation for ST2137 . So yeah I burned the midnight oil working on those. Slept before sunrise though, at 4:30AM! *faints*

So after back-to-back tutorials all morning on Wednesday, then came the tough part, the MAD assignment for St2132 Mathematical Statistics. WAAAAAAAAAAAH. It drove me, Diana and Kevin nuts. Kevin is this nice Year 4 Singaporean guy who's taking the same module Diana and I are taking. We've been working for our past 5 assignments together, but this one was the cruelest assignment yet.

The deadline was at 5pm, and we were mugging like crazy to solve the one number the assignment asked us. It was a two-part thingy, though, and we couldn't overcome the roadblocks. We finally arrived at answer, but it seemed too simple, and thus we couldn't go around finding a "smarter" answer. So we were about to submit at 4:30PM, and then Diana saw this guy who got perfect for the insane midterm test we took 2 weeks back (yeah the one I failed), and after she and Kevin ambushed (yeah that's the right term) him for comsultation while I tidied up my solutions, they headed back to the table and announced that we had to do part B all over, because by some twisted sort of magic, the distribution was supposed to suddenly turn up to be from Chi-Square. I seriously DUNNO how that could happen, but there they were, Diana and Kevin calculating like crazy, only to end up with a roadblock similar to the previous.

I was skeptical about going to the "Chi-Square route" because it basically ended nowhere, but maybe it could grant us partial credit, compared with the "Simple Answer Route", which although simple, it seemed somewhat logical and followed an example in the tutorial, and you can pinpoint an answer.

Anyway, I rushed to write something on the paper, and dropped our papers at Dr Chan's pigeonhole at 5:05PM.

Iris, choir VP, submitted her and her friends' papers after me, and together we rushed to Centre for the Arts for a talk by the new CFA Director at the CFA auditorium. KK, choir president, was kind enough to let us do our assignment, even if the talk was to start at 4PM. Haha, so Iris and I, arriving at 5:15PM just came for the reception. And what yummy reception too.

Then it was back to hall to SLEEP.


* * *

OK, long enough entry. I'll tell you more about Thursday and MOMOMOMOMOMO(!) Friday and today as well sometime else.

Night. :P

Feel-good Points for the Week

Feel-good Points for the Week

Post-Mugging I-finally-get-it! Moments:
+750 Feel-good Points

Screwed-up (read: earth-shattering) Calculus test:
-5000
Feel-good Points


Screwed-up Mathematical Statistics test:
-3000 Feel-good Points
(only because everybody else did relatively bad as well)

Perceived Screwed-up English test:
-1750 Feel-good Points


Actual Not-too-screwed-up English test:
+1000 Feel-good Points


Red Cross Blood Donation After a Year of Waiting:
+500 Feel-good Points


Greeting Ivy a Happy 19th Birthday and Drawing her "Naruto" Eating Champorado:
+500 Feel-good Points


Not going out with Ivy and the rest of the Pinoys for Halloween Night:
-250 Feel-good Points


Not going for Halloween Night because of ST2137 test on Monday:
+250 Feel-good Points (cancels previous!)

Knowing best friend Jacko won the Clash quiz show:
+400 Feel-good Points

Offering and Doing Mugging-mate Diana Some Degree of Favor:
+300 Feel-good Points

TV Show Therapy (includes dosages of The OC, Desperate Housewives, Survivor):
+200 Feel-good Points

Music Therapy (includes superb music CD shared by KR choirmates Wei Ren and James, and finally finding some inspiring song stuck in my head since Czech Republic competition):
+400 Feel-good Points

Exhausting (small group practices!) but Fulfilling NUS Choir Practices:
+400 Feel-good Points (I love you guys!)

Pinoy friends and NUS friends and D-block and KR friends and other friends:
+600 Feel-good Points

_______________________


For a grand total of.. something! It pays to count one's blessings, really.. I feel better already! Haha.

Actually, I'm still reeling from the back-to-back-to-back blows by my screwed-up tests. Especially Calculus and Statistics. But yeah, never mind, must focus on recuperating than wallowing in agony. Besides, there's this new battle again on Monday with my Computer Aided Data Analysis second midterm test, and a case presentation for Managerial Econs class on Tuesday.

Hmm.. I haven't calculated my total feel-good points of the week, but if it's supposed to accurately reflect how I am right now, I'm guessing it should be some negative value. Quite a long way from being positive too. Well, this'll pass.

Besides, I'm gonna call home tomorrow, and see how Dad and Ma and Kai and Lola Neneng and Lola Doding are doing. That should buoy me up for quite a while.

All right now, back to work. And yeah, maybe I should listen to this nice Irish blessing song for the (n+1)th time. Goodnight!

Request Line

Request Line

I ask God for a lot of things. A LOT, really, and He has wisely not granted all of them, lest I be likened to a spoiled little rascal. A few granted wishes here and there, and in retrospection (note the emphasis), it's perfectly fine with me.

I've been asking for less and less things lately, but these involve matters on a larger scale. I fervently pray for them still, and whether they are granted or not won't be known anytime soon.

Today I realized something I want. It's not something grand like "World Peace" or something ambiguous like "Happiness" or something abstract like "Wisdom" (although yeah those would be terrific). On the contrary, it is something that's amazingly simple and although semi-abstract, it's identifiably mundane. Argh, it's so trivial I don't know why I can't achieve it on my own. I know a part of it has to do with me, but I don't know, I guess it's just not in my system.. at least not yet. It would make a world of a difference if I had this small gift, really.

And yep, that's my simple prayer request to God this time.

Oh, let me thank You, by the way, for blessing me more than I recognize.

Articles of Note

Articles of Note

I just wrapped up my article for the Ridge. I hope it gets published! If not, then well, write again next time! Haha.

I rarely check other news sites except INQ7.net and ABS-CBNnews.com, but today was an exception. And then I read this on BBC: Fatboy Slim makes Marcos Musical. Interesting. For a while there, I thought I was still on the (web)pages of the (online) Philippine newspapers. Hmm.. strangeness. Fatboy Slim is one of my favorite artists, because his techno dance tunes are just funky! I still can't reconcile him and a local Pinoy political figure though. Hehe. I dunno if this musical will be something Imelda will cry foul over, like the "Imelda" movie, which was presented to her as a documentary while filming, but turned out to be a feature-length film portraying her in a bad light. God bless you Imelda. All I can say.

Anyway, what's really an interesting read is this article on the Inquirer's Youngblood. It's by my junior in high school and now in Singapore, Carina. Haha congrats congrats! I've always wanted to be on Youngblood! Haha but never got around to writing and emailing them. Hats off to you Ca!

Well, about the content of your article, though, I hope you're much better now! I'm just around of course, and same goes for the rest of the Pinoy group here. Hehe, besides, as you've said, it's been a while since you wrote it, and hopefully since then it's been smooth sailing!

10 Reasons Today Was Great

10 Reasons Today Was Great

Come to think of it, "Great" isn't probably the right term. Perhaps "Yummy" would be more appropriate.

1) Chicken With Mixed Peppers at Swensen's!

KR Choir lunch at Swensen's at Holland Village! Swensen's is this nice ice cream shop/cake shop/cafe/date place with all the yummy sweet food. It was a last minute thing, with Choir Chair James inviting us for lunch only yesterday night. It was even more last-minute for me, as I decided to go only this morning, when I saw that Allen was the only bass to go. Haha. Besides, I needed a break after my crazy week.

My meal, described as "Grilled half chicken smothered with mixed peppers sauce. Served with seasonal vegetable and U.S. potatoes." turned out delicious. Well, except that Huili and Allen, who were seated beside me and ordered related dishes, and I couldn't figure out what this fried squishy potato-like thingy on a tomato slice was. It was yummy, but it wasn't potato or anything we could think of. Haha Allen called it "stuff". It was tasty anyway.

Yummy meal! And it better be! It cost $13.60! Hehe.. now on to the list!

2) Chocolate Peanut Butter
3) Butterscotch
4) Sticky Chewy Chocolate
5) Peach
6) Yummy Raisin (with rum!)
7) Mocha Almond Fudge
8) Cookies and Cream
9) Yam (Ube in Tagalog)
10) Thin Mint (why is it "thin" anyway?)

AHHH... ice cream heaven! Usually $3 each scoop, I got all those scoops for only $1! All of them together only one buck! Haha amazing. James even paid for everyone's ice creams, so I got all of mine for free. Swensen's offered unlimited scoops, but too bad there's a limit one's tummy can handle! I had a tasting of Frosted Chocolate Malt, Pistachio, and still wanted to try the Chocolate Freckles, but I was afraid it was too much chocolate for a day.

My favorites are the Mocha Almond Crunch (ahh.. heavenly), the Sticky Chewy Chocolate (it was as chocolatey as real chocolate.. almost like a cold moist choco bar), Yam (reminded me of Pinas!), Butterscotch (great but a bit too sweet after a while), and surprisingly, Thin Mint (cools off your mouth in a yummy kind of way).

The Yummy Raisin was misleading! I didn't expect it to contain alcohol! It was okay, really, except that I felt the beginnings of a headache after eating it. Maybe not used to my ice cream being spiked! It was not unwelcome, of course. Haha. It threw off-track my master plan of beating (or at least matching) James in the ice cream race though.

James finished with 11 scoops (his max was 14 years ago), while I finished runner-up. Haha. Not bad!

So everybody head off to Swensen's quick! Unlimited ice cream scoops for one dollar with an order of one main course/pasta! Student's discount too on weekday afternoons!

Wah.. I've never had more ice cream in my entire life. And that many flavors too! $13.60 for all that doesn't sound bad. Not bad at all man!

Wah.. I'm officially slightly happier now after my depressing week. Thanks to ice cream sugar rush!

Whisper words of wisdom

Whisper words of wisdom

Ahh yes.. hell week has come. Two killer tests down, one to go, an article due soon, tutorials and readings to dig into, a project looming in the distance. How am I holding up? Hmm.

I'm unwell, really, but what's new. God I dunno what depression wave has hit me that I'm consistently down in the dumps, if not externally, perhaps at least at the back of my head.

Sure I genuinely laugh and talk cock (Singlish for "talk nonsense", "joke around") and enjoy happy conversations with fellow Pinoys and hallmates and first floor neighbors and choirmates and tutorial-mates (I love you all, seriously), but when I think of SUCKY MIDTERM TESTS, especially those just freshly taken, I get that funny familiar feeling.

What's more, whatever emotion is evoked has to be set aside for the moment, as right there waiting is the next test to mug for, the next tutorial to solve, the next lecture to figure out.

What's worse is that, more often than not, these bouts of post-midterm-test blues trigger my other mind monsters that ought to be tucked deep into the subconscious during mugging season. These include the Homesickness (of the mild sort though) Monster, Mr. I'm-not-good-enough and his gang: Mr. What-on-earth-have-I-been-doing-all-this-time, Mr. Maybe-I-can't-even-reach-honours-year, and Mr. Maybe-it's-all-downhill-from-high-school.

Actually, I've not been feeling so low all this week. Over the weekend, I derived some sort of happiness from finally figuring out my Mathematical Statistics and Advanced Calculus. Or at least, from the illusion that I finally figured them out. Thank God for midterm tests that snap us back to reality.

And thank God for the Beatles too. It's strange how I turn to their songs whenever I'm not feeling too good. Try "Hey Jude", "Let It Be" (never mind if "Mother Mary" there was intended by Paul McCartney to mean his biological mom), and "Across the Universe" sometime. Must stop listening to "In My Life" though. You know, the "There are places I remember" song. I can't help but think too much, see.

OK, I feel better now. What's on my plate: an article for the Ridge due Sunday (thank God my editor Asraf extended it), and Linguistics test on Friday.

Let it be, Joseph. Take a sad song and make it better.


P.S.
Kai! You're back in Davao! Hehe, enjoy! Hello to Ma and Dad and Lolas!