Preferably one who gives massages too, so I can shake off this soreness or tingling or aching in my back. Among other things. Restless again aren't you, Mr Joe? Blogging out of the blue, and during office hours, too much of a giveaway? Hohoho.
Stop overthinking, get some sleep, run more, sweat more. Mama reminded me of what she calls my 24.5th birthday. Happy (half-)birthday, Mr Joe, even if you don't think it's really worth remembering. Haha. Come to think of it, really, why don't I just get to 25 if only to make this quarter-life crisis official? My friend Arthur notes that at the rate I'm going now, it might as well be mid-life crisis. Well touche my friend!
Sometimes it's hard to be positive. I try. Sometimes when I think I'm perfectly rational and invincible, there's always something to burst my bubble.
Nah, maybe this is just the muscle soreness due to badminton yesterday. Or maybe the insomnia. Or the tummyache possibly caused by oyster omelette. Nah, Mr Joe, contrary to your suspicions, you're not experiencing a slow onset of depression, you're just imagining things as usual. Meanwhile, life goes on.
I'm no Superman
Stupendous Man, more like it.
But what I want to vent out right now, actually, is that I’m not feeling very superhero right now. Superhero tasks yes, bring them on, I think I inadvertently muttered to the cosmos some months back. And here I am, absolutely overwhelmed by the things I have to do.
And it’s one thing to actually accomplish the tasks at hand, but it’s very well another thing to accomplish them correctly, and achieve the desired effect. Sometimes the desired effect never comes, despite best effort, and it just sucks like that. And when it sucks, Joseph being Joseph, he needs some time to overthink it and clear the emo stuff it unnecessarily entails, before moving on to saving the rest of the world.
Last week, a friend kindly helped me to have the zipper of a backpack fixed. I searched high and low in the neighbourhood around my house, but even the seamstress couldn’t fix it and I didn’t know where else to go. When my friend got back to me and said that everything was all right, I was so incredibly thankful that FINALLY something went right, FINALLY there was a piece of good news, even if it were just the backpack zipper.
I guess the few other pieces of good news I’ve conveniently tucked away into my blind side, so at the moment I am unable to appreciate them as much as I should.
In any case, I guess given the time constraints, I should remind myself to be rational amidst all these things, and not let the emo slow me down. There is a limit my body can do, yes, and in fact I am overworking myself and looking ten freaking years older than I should in the process, but.. what to do?
We can’t slow down yet, Mr Joseph, there are people to rescue from burning houses! Actually it’s your own house that’s burning, save yourself and whatever you hold precious! Have a temporary heart transplant, for now leave the real one in a glass box and implant a steel heart in its place. No time for feeling here, the house is burning!
Besides, the heart is a funny thing. Don’t go there. Over the past weeks I’ve come across real-life stories about the mysterious, maddening, messy ways that the heart can affect people and lives. You can’t solve it yourself, Mr Joseph. Drop your heart, take your vitamins, and go save babies from burning houses instead.
Good vibrations (or lack thereof)
446am and I'm up already! Never mind that I slept at 1230am and woke up at 2am, or that I slept again soon after. Well done, Mr Joe, after weeks of speculation, I confirm that you officially have a sleeping disorder.
There's quite a lot of things I want to say, actually, especially about the eventful month of April. Quite a ride that month was, oh my God. Seriously, that month just rocked my senses in mostly good, somewhat tiring, somewhat sleep-deprivation-resulting ways.
Anyway yesterday capped the good month of April, nung pumunta kami kasama ng mahigit sampung miyembro ng NUS Choir sa show (more of chill-out session sa rooftop actually) ng Budak Pantai sa YMCA Orchard. Medyo naiinis ako sa sarili ko kasi di ko mapigilan ang maging iritable kapag naaalala ko ang mga nangyari sa araw na di ko masyado gusto. Yung tipong, alam ng ulo kung ano yung dapat na reaksyon, kasi ayun, tapos na nga naman, kalimutan na, panahon na para magsaya, pero di lang maisagawa ng katawan, o ng damdamin. Grabe, kakapikon. Di kasi tama na may 'wet blanket' sa grupo, ayun, nakakairita na na di ko ma-kontrol ang sarili ko, mas nakakapikon pa na iyong ibang tao ay maaaring maapekto ko pa. And syanga naman, ang galing ng Budak Pantai (isang a cappella group na bukod sa sobrang galing kumanta, sobrang nakakatuwa pa mag-arrange ng mga kanta sa iba't ibang wika, sa paraang patok sa panlasa ng mga lokal), at kung nasa mas maayos na mood lang ako, siguro mas na-enjoy ko ang sarili ko.
Siyempre tinagalog ko pa 'no. Dalawang rason kasi: una, dahil gusto kong magreklamo about trabaho, at kung paano ako napipikon sa stress na dulot nito, di lang sa bigat at dami ng trabaho mismo (dahil sa kulang kami ng tauhan sa kasalukuyan, among other things), kundi sa pagiging mainitin ng ulo na rin ng aking pinuno (paano ba ito tinatranslate?). Naisip ko na kapag Tagalog ito, di mababasa ng mga kasama ko sa opisina, kung sakaling mapadpad man sila dito. Pangalawa naman, ay, ayun, ayoko ring ikalat ang di magandang mga "vibes" sa mga kaibigan kong banyaga na makakabasa nito, kung mababasa man nila. (Sa mga Pinoy na lang ikalat ano? Haha di naman) May ilang kaibigan ako na bahagi ng choir na alam kong mababasa ang post na ito, at ayoko nang mag-alala sila at idamay sa aking stress, kasi well, nagawa ko na naman yun kagabi, kung hindi halata sa itsura ko sa concert. So ayun, parang tama na yung drama for them, kasi sila yung nagkataon na binuhusan ko ng mga drama sa buhay lately. Lol drama sa buhay daw o!=) <- pampalitong smiley haha sana di makayanan ng Google Translate ang talatang ito
Pero ba't nga ba ako napipikon uli? Somehow parang naguluhan na rin ako sa dami ng sinabi ko at iniisip ko. Siguro dapat kasi sinasabi na lang, para mailabas na, and kaya naman siguro ako napadpad sa blog kong ito para magreklamo sa iyo, just like the good old emo days.=) Emo days nung hindi pa tinatawag na "emo".
OK bago ma-sidetrack: napipikon ako dahil sobrang laki ng ekspektasyon sa akin sa trabaho, at nitong huli, apat na mga bagay ang dapat kong kabisaduhin. Ang masama nito, eh parang pinapasa lang sa akin ang sisi, para bagang, dapat alam nung ibang tao, pero dahil di nya kabisado, ini-expect nyang kabisado ko para maipaliwanag ko sa kanya.
Gusto ko actually ang analogy ng isa kong kasama: ang aming partikular na proyekto ngayon ay parang sasakyan, kung saan ang mga bahagi ay gawa ng iba't ibang tao. Ako naman, isinama lang sa proyektong itong huling linggo, at pinagawa ng "gulong". Kailangan bang alam ko ang kung paano ginagawa ang buong sasakyan? Hindi mo naman siguro maieexpect sa akin na maintindihan ang buong makinarya at sistema ng sasakyan, di ba? Isang linggo lang ang binigay sa akin, at may apat na iba't ibang uri ng sasakyan (kotse, bapor, eroplano, kalesa(?!)) akong proyekto sabay-sabay, rasonable ba na kabisado ko ang buong makinarya nitong sasakyan na ito kung saan dapat salimpusa lang ako? Hindi di ba? Ang masasabi ko lang na nagawa ko, eh yung "gulong" -- at lahat ng gusto mong itanong sa akin tungkol dito, kaya kong ipaliwanag, at ayan, ang gulong ko ay siguradong matibay at maaasahan, at naaayon sa gustong ipagawa sa akin. I make kick-ass wheels, OK. Haha.
Dalawa pang bagay ang pinuputok ng dibdib ko at ayoko nang ipaliwanag masyado dahil napipikon lang ako. Una, dahil pakiramdam ko hindi ako masyado sineseryoso. Dahil ba sa bata ako kumpara sa iba? Dahil ba inassume ko na ang karakter na medyo kengkoy (not in a Jim Carrey sense and you would know kung kilala mo ako) pero yung tipong najojoke around, kaya pwede akong maliitin? Or di kaya medyo sensitive lang ako and moody and wala naman talagang problema? Pangalawa naman, eh, ayun, medyo iba naman. Di ko kasi magawang mangyari ang gusto ko matupad, lalo pa't involved dito ang ibang tao, na ultimately, wala naman akong control over. Pero ayun lang, simple lang naman ang gusto ko, ang mapasaya ang ibang tao gaya ng mga kaibigan ko, pero mahirap pala. Ganoon pala siguro talaga, di yata talaga ako si Superman, kahit ano mang subok ko, at kailangan lamang na bukas-pusong tanggapin ang mga bagay hindi ko kayang baguhin. Or baka makulit lang ako and madaling mainip. Baka kailangan lang ng panahon.
Ayan, isang oras na pala akong nagsusulat... good morning! Sikreto lang yung lahat nang nasa itaas. Haha.
There's quite a lot of things I want to say, actually, especially about the eventful month of April. Quite a ride that month was, oh my God. Seriously, that month just rocked my senses in mostly good, somewhat tiring, somewhat sleep-deprivation-resulting ways.
Anyway yesterday capped the good month of April, nung pumunta kami kasama ng mahigit sampung miyembro ng NUS Choir sa show (more of chill-out session sa rooftop actually) ng Budak Pantai sa YMCA Orchard. Medyo naiinis ako sa sarili ko kasi di ko mapigilan ang maging iritable kapag naaalala ko ang mga nangyari sa araw na di ko masyado gusto. Yung tipong, alam ng ulo kung ano yung dapat na reaksyon, kasi ayun, tapos na nga naman, kalimutan na, panahon na para magsaya, pero di lang maisagawa ng katawan, o ng damdamin. Grabe, kakapikon. Di kasi tama na may 'wet blanket' sa grupo, ayun, nakakairita na na di ko ma-kontrol ang sarili ko, mas nakakapikon pa na iyong ibang tao ay maaaring maapekto ko pa. And syanga naman, ang galing ng Budak Pantai (isang a cappella group na bukod sa sobrang galing kumanta, sobrang nakakatuwa pa mag-arrange ng mga kanta sa iba't ibang wika, sa paraang patok sa panlasa ng mga lokal), at kung nasa mas maayos na mood lang ako, siguro mas na-enjoy ko ang sarili ko.
Siyempre tinagalog ko pa 'no. Dalawang rason kasi: una, dahil gusto kong magreklamo about trabaho, at kung paano ako napipikon sa stress na dulot nito, di lang sa bigat at dami ng trabaho mismo (dahil sa kulang kami ng tauhan sa kasalukuyan, among other things), kundi sa pagiging mainitin ng ulo na rin ng aking pinuno (paano ba ito tinatranslate?). Naisip ko na kapag Tagalog ito, di mababasa ng mga kasama ko sa opisina, kung sakaling mapadpad man sila dito. Pangalawa naman, ay, ayun, ayoko ring ikalat ang di magandang mga "vibes" sa mga kaibigan kong banyaga na makakabasa nito, kung mababasa man nila. (Sa mga Pinoy na lang ikalat ano? Haha di naman) May ilang kaibigan ako na bahagi ng choir na alam kong mababasa ang post na ito, at ayoko nang mag-alala sila at idamay sa aking stress, kasi well, nagawa ko na naman yun kagabi, kung hindi halata sa itsura ko sa concert. So ayun, parang tama na yung drama for them, kasi sila yung nagkataon na binuhusan ko ng mga drama sa buhay lately. Lol drama sa buhay daw o!=) <- pampalitong smiley haha sana di makayanan ng Google Translate ang talatang ito
Pero ba't nga ba ako napipikon uli? Somehow parang naguluhan na rin ako sa dami ng sinabi ko at iniisip ko. Siguro dapat kasi sinasabi na lang, para mailabas na, and kaya naman siguro ako napadpad sa blog kong ito para magreklamo sa iyo, just like the good old emo days.=) Emo days nung hindi pa tinatawag na "emo".
OK bago ma-sidetrack: napipikon ako dahil sobrang laki ng ekspektasyon sa akin sa trabaho, at nitong huli, apat na mga bagay ang dapat kong kabisaduhin. Ang masama nito, eh parang pinapasa lang sa akin ang sisi, para bagang, dapat alam nung ibang tao, pero dahil di nya kabisado, ini-expect nyang kabisado ko para maipaliwanag ko sa kanya.
Gusto ko actually ang analogy ng isa kong kasama: ang aming partikular na proyekto ngayon ay parang sasakyan, kung saan ang mga bahagi ay gawa ng iba't ibang tao. Ako naman, isinama lang sa proyektong itong huling linggo, at pinagawa ng "gulong". Kailangan bang alam ko ang kung paano ginagawa ang buong sasakyan? Hindi mo naman siguro maieexpect sa akin na maintindihan ang buong makinarya at sistema ng sasakyan, di ba? Isang linggo lang ang binigay sa akin, at may apat na iba't ibang uri ng sasakyan (kotse, bapor, eroplano, kalesa(?!)) akong proyekto sabay-sabay, rasonable ba na kabisado ko ang buong makinarya nitong sasakyan na ito kung saan dapat salimpusa lang ako? Hindi di ba? Ang masasabi ko lang na nagawa ko, eh yung "gulong" -- at lahat ng gusto mong itanong sa akin tungkol dito, kaya kong ipaliwanag, at ayan, ang gulong ko ay siguradong matibay at maaasahan, at naaayon sa gustong ipagawa sa akin. I make kick-ass wheels, OK. Haha.
Dalawa pang bagay ang pinuputok ng dibdib ko at ayoko nang ipaliwanag masyado dahil napipikon lang ako. Una, dahil pakiramdam ko hindi ako masyado sineseryoso. Dahil ba sa bata ako kumpara sa iba? Dahil ba inassume ko na ang karakter na medyo kengkoy (not in a Jim Carrey sense and you would know kung kilala mo ako) pero yung tipong najojoke around, kaya pwede akong maliitin? Or di kaya medyo sensitive lang ako and moody and wala naman talagang problema? Pangalawa naman, eh, ayun, medyo iba naman. Di ko kasi magawang mangyari ang gusto ko matupad, lalo pa't involved dito ang ibang tao, na ultimately, wala naman akong control over. Pero ayun lang, simple lang naman ang gusto ko, ang mapasaya ang ibang tao gaya ng mga kaibigan ko, pero mahirap pala. Ganoon pala siguro talaga, di yata talaga ako si Superman, kahit ano mang subok ko, at kailangan lamang na bukas-pusong tanggapin ang mga bagay hindi ko kayang baguhin. Or baka makulit lang ako and madaling mainip. Baka kailangan lang ng panahon.
Ayan, isang oras na pala akong nagsusulat... good morning! Sikreto lang yung lahat nang nasa itaas. Haha.
Under the weather
There are good days, and then there are bad days.
Sometime ago I had a run of good days, and as with other good days – when they’re good, they’re very good. In fact, I was too high on these series of surprisingly good days that I posted on my Facebook status message the other day that “someday, I’ll look back on these past days, weeks, and even months with incredible fondness.” I meant it too.
No sooner than I had posted that apparently something happened. Nothing mystical, it’s just that apparently that was the cue for the end of my lucky streak. I don’t know – maybe all this is just a product of an active imagination. But my feelings can’t lie, can they? And today I feel under the weather and in over my head. Out of sorts and indisposed. (Haha I love how there could be a host of prepositions in those past two sentences but I digress)
Aiyoh. I feel a certain restlessness, an inconvenient discomfort, a tingling annoyance, although perhaps irrational, perhaps unwarranted. Sigh. Why do I feel so funny? Maybe I’m just overwhelmed by a sudden realisation that this and that and that some more have been stacking up and taking its toll on me subconsciously over the past weeks. Maybe I’m really the absorptive type who inadvertently sucks all the energies around me like a sponge – and lately they haven’t been very good energies too. Or of course, these could very well just be convenient excuses masking whatever that thing in the chest is complaining about. Be still lah you.
And Joseph being self-correcting and self-censoring and self-help-ing (apparently my fascination for the ‘othering of the self’ a few years back is still in place!), a quote by Rainer Maria Rilke comes to mind.
Sometime ago I had a run of good days, and as with other good days – when they’re good, they’re very good. In fact, I was too high on these series of surprisingly good days that I posted on my Facebook status message the other day that “someday, I’ll look back on these past days, weeks, and even months with incredible fondness.” I meant it too.
No sooner than I had posted that apparently something happened. Nothing mystical, it’s just that apparently that was the cue for the end of my lucky streak. I don’t know – maybe all this is just a product of an active imagination. But my feelings can’t lie, can they? And today I feel under the weather and in over my head. Out of sorts and indisposed. (Haha I love how there could be a host of prepositions in those past two sentences but I digress)
Aiyoh. I feel a certain restlessness, an inconvenient discomfort, a tingling annoyance, although perhaps irrational, perhaps unwarranted. Sigh. Why do I feel so funny? Maybe I’m just overwhelmed by a sudden realisation that this and that and that some more have been stacking up and taking its toll on me subconsciously over the past weeks. Maybe I’m really the absorptive type who inadvertently sucks all the energies around me like a sponge – and lately they haven’t been very good energies too. Or of course, these could very well just be convenient excuses masking whatever that thing in the chest is complaining about. Be still lah you.
And Joseph being self-correcting and self-censoring and self-help-ing (apparently my fascination for the ‘othering of the self’ a few years back is still in place!), a quote by Rainer Maria Rilke comes to mind.
"Have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves ... Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps, then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.”Try a little patience, Jose.
The Saltwater Room
Because tender songs with cheesy dreamy lyrics and geeky titles tend to appeal to me.
What will it take to make or break this hint of love?
So tell me darling, do you wish we'd fall in love?
Time together is just never quite enough
Whenever we're apart, what are you thinking of?
Whenever we're apart, what are you thinking of?
When you and I are alone, I've never felt so at home
What will it take to make or break this hint of love?
We need time, only time
So tell me darling, do you wish we'd fall in love?
All the time, all the time
Of exploding hearts
Five minutes past two early Saturday morning after a two-hour nap, an episode of Survivor: Heroes vs Villains, a bit of memorisation of choir songs with earphones and handphone in hand -- hardly the right time to blog no?
So I just want to ping (!) this blog, say that despite the monster tasks I'm juggling right now,
I'm actually all right; say that I'm 24 now, and feeling good about it, feeling like it's time to open up and do new and better things, feeling like it's a perfect time to grow; say that February is still my favourite month, say that I'm feeling incredibly loved by family and friends and colleagues, and that I am supremely grateful for it.
As Louis Armstrong says, friends shaking hands really mean them saying 'I love you'. I hope even if I'm not always the explicit 'I love you and appreciate you a lot' type (except maybe when I'm drunk haha you know who you are), I hope the message of the L word (two instances of it in a paragraph is enough!) and gratitude and appreciation is sent across in various subtle sexy ways. Haha I just had to add 'sexy' there. Ping? Ping!
My status message on Facebook yesterday, 'I think my heart my explode', generated quite some comments among my friends. Haha I'm all right guys, not quite with a cardiac problem, not quite romancing anyone too, for the record. Like I explained in the comment thread, it's actually a line in a Justin Timberlake song, Bigger than the World, that was momentarily stuck in my head. Sweet song too, although it was written for this girl.
What I want to say in all this rambling really is that when I think of exploding hearts, I think of this 'Across the Universe' image:
It's the movie based on the Beatles song (which I haven't watched though), and while I suspect the image has to do with a heart that somewhat resembles a strawberry (Strawberry Fields Forever!), I still like to think it's about a heart that simply cannot contain the sheer gravity of feeling, whatever that is. And so it explodes into a bloody glorious mess. (Mentally I type and read that last sentence with the British accent I've been playing around with randomly) And while I'm on a roll with the random music references, let me quote a Simply Red song: Ain't that a lot of love for one heart to hold?
And that's my heart's condition right now -- happy, stressed, happy, stressed, happy. Oscillating between the two. First half of February was an extended birthday celebration, second half on the other hand is crunchtime (lasting till mid-March). Come come let's do it, I'm all pumped up and raring to go.
So I just want to ping (!) this blog, say that despite the monster tasks I'm juggling right now,
I'm actually all right; say that I'm 24 now, and feeling good about it, feeling like it's time to open up and do new and better things, feeling like it's a perfect time to grow; say that February is still my favourite month, say that I'm feeling incredibly loved by family and friends and colleagues, and that I am supremely grateful for it.
As Louis Armstrong says, friends shaking hands really mean them saying 'I love you'. I hope even if I'm not always the explicit 'I love you and appreciate you a lot' type (except maybe when I'm drunk haha you know who you are), I hope the message of the L word (two instances of it in a paragraph is enough!) and gratitude and appreciation is sent across in various subtle sexy ways. Haha I just had to add 'sexy' there. Ping? Ping!
My status message on Facebook yesterday, 'I think my heart my explode', generated quite some comments among my friends. Haha I'm all right guys, not quite with a cardiac problem, not quite romancing anyone too, for the record. Like I explained in the comment thread, it's actually a line in a Justin Timberlake song, Bigger than the World, that was momentarily stuck in my head. Sweet song too, although it was written for this girl.
What I want to say in all this rambling really is that when I think of exploding hearts, I think of this 'Across the Universe' image:
It's the movie based on the Beatles song (which I haven't watched though), and while I suspect the image has to do with a heart that somewhat resembles a strawberry (Strawberry Fields Forever!), I still like to think it's about a heart that simply cannot contain the sheer gravity of feeling, whatever that is. And so it explodes into a bloody glorious mess. (Mentally I type and read that last sentence with the British accent I've been playing around with randomly) And while I'm on a roll with the random music references, let me quote a Simply Red song: Ain't that a lot of love for one heart to hold?And that's my heart's condition right now -- happy, stressed, happy, stressed, happy. Oscillating between the two. First half of February was an extended birthday celebration, second half on the other hand is crunchtime (lasting till mid-March). Come come let's do it, I'm all pumped up and raring to go.
It ends tonight
I can't help but smile my silly smile when I realise it's the end of August already. What a ride it was, huh, Mr Joe. And you're alive and well and survived the madness of this wave, before jumping onto the next. Well done.
A lot of things in my head now, again, and that's all good. I'm quite physically and mentally tired, really, but surprisingly, I've discovered some sort of zen about all this madness, and I'm actually quite at peace. The attitude isn't quite the what-the-hell-is-all-this-for, this-is-too-tedious-and-frustrating attitude I expected, but more of -- OK, this is where we are now, what do we do to clear this task, does it involve a lot of work, yes, OK, then let's do it. Probably because I psyched myself that this is all going to be tough, especially when work doubled beginning January, and so this is no surprise. Reinforcements are on the way, so it will definitely ease out sometime soon. Got myself entangled in a bit of "friendly" politics too, but let's leave it at that. It's a story of acceptance, I think. Acceptance with a tinge of resignation, and hope for upcoming change. Acceptance and Joseph, what can I say. Once upon a time strange bedfellows. But I digress.
Joseph being Joseph, I can't quite help but feel contemplative every time I'm stressed like this (I remember my honours year thesis and the gruelling process it entailed). Questions swirl in my head randomly: Is it because you're sloppy that you're working so late? Maybe you're just inefficient? Do you deserve this, do you deserve better? Sometimes I surprise myself by having the audacity to voice out what I'm convinced is correct, even if this means disturbing the peace and upsetting the boss a little. Actually, I suspect I have balls of steel. Balls of steel, man. Haha. Then again maybe I'm just stubborn. Or I have a fantastic boss (which is true) who gives me leeway to be vocal when I want to.
And then there's the value thing. Long story, but in a nutshell, it's one of those Joseph things. I value a lot of things, and I show it (I hope). Also (and not because of the previous sentence), I want to be valued -- if you don't, then that's cool, nothing against you. But if you do, I want you to show it, however very slightly perceptible, so I can see. This entry is mostly about work, but this just now applies to everything else.
I just want to be better. Better organised, more systematic, more thorough, more professional, more sincere, just better. Something like an upgraded Joe. But that's a long and difficult path, and I've had too many false starts to be taken seriously. I'd like to think I'm doing this for myself. But if the colleagues notice, if the people who matter and who I value notice, if The One (whoever you are) notices, that would be nice too.
Mmm the end of the month. Partly why I like it is because it gives me a reason to start again, false starts notwithstanding.
A lot of things in my head now, again, and that's all good. I'm quite physically and mentally tired, really, but surprisingly, I've discovered some sort of zen about all this madness, and I'm actually quite at peace. The attitude isn't quite the what-the-hell-is-all-this-for, this-is-too-tedious-and-frustrating attitude I expected, but more of -- OK, this is where we are now, what do we do to clear this task, does it involve a lot of work, yes, OK, then let's do it. Probably because I psyched myself that this is all going to be tough, especially when work doubled beginning January, and so this is no surprise. Reinforcements are on the way, so it will definitely ease out sometime soon. Got myself entangled in a bit of "friendly" politics too, but let's leave it at that. It's a story of acceptance, I think. Acceptance with a tinge of resignation, and hope for upcoming change. Acceptance and Joseph, what can I say. Once upon a time strange bedfellows. But I digress.
Joseph being Joseph, I can't quite help but feel contemplative every time I'm stressed like this (I remember my honours year thesis and the gruelling process it entailed). Questions swirl in my head randomly: Is it because you're sloppy that you're working so late? Maybe you're just inefficient? Do you deserve this, do you deserve better? Sometimes I surprise myself by having the audacity to voice out what I'm convinced is correct, even if this means disturbing the peace and upsetting the boss a little. Actually, I suspect I have balls of steel. Balls of steel, man. Haha. Then again maybe I'm just stubborn. Or I have a fantastic boss (which is true) who gives me leeway to be vocal when I want to.
And then there's the value thing. Long story, but in a nutshell, it's one of those Joseph things. I value a lot of things, and I show it (I hope). Also (and not because of the previous sentence), I want to be valued -- if you don't, then that's cool, nothing against you. But if you do, I want you to show it, however very slightly perceptible, so I can see. This entry is mostly about work, but this just now applies to everything else.
I just want to be better. Better organised, more systematic, more thorough, more professional, more sincere, just better. Something like an upgraded Joe. But that's a long and difficult path, and I've had too many false starts to be taken seriously. I'd like to think I'm doing this for myself. But if the colleagues notice, if the people who matter and who I value notice, if The One (whoever you are) notices, that would be nice too.
Mmm the end of the month. Partly why I like it is because it gives me a reason to start again, false starts notwithstanding.
Random spurts
Mmm I think a massage. Something to relax me and get this sensation of sorts, of my back, off my head, off my chest. It's nothing much, but I'm itching to.. do something. What it is I do not know exactly, so maybe I'm just blogging after two months of inactivity. See if it does the trick.
Wah so many things on my mind right now. So lemme just fire away randomly and see how much base I'd cover.
I came back last night from Hong Kong! Cool place, my first time there. Sorry parents I wasn't able to say hello and tell you how I was... for some reason I couldn't SMS after sending out a few messages. But woot HK is good stuff. Even if I was mostly in the hotel and in the office and surrounding areas, it was very charming la. Not as clean as Singapore, but the apartments are towering, the cars are fancier, the people are cute, and although I can't speak a word of Cantonese, I think I'd like to brave it on my own over there and see how it goes.:) Glad my boss was with me though, so I didn't get lost. Learned a lot of things over beer too. Haha. And woot five-star hotel room to myself, and many big soft pillows and bathtub and buffet breakfast. I could get used to that, though I'll never go to one of those if I were using my own $.
I happen to like being in airplanes a lot. Makes me think of things. Like what the hell I'm doing with my life, like where I'm actually going, am I really too young (my HK colleague was stunned when I told him over sumptious Chinese lunch that I'm only 23 -- they're all in their late twenties) or am I getting old, when will I shake off this 'little boy' feeling in the team and act mature and professional so people take me more seriously? While up in the air I tend to think of big-picture stuff -- must be because of the zoomed-out-ness of the view from the airplane window. Something along the cheesiness of what the story of my life is, is this how I planned it to be, have I been a good person, why I'm happy, why I'm unhappy, what I can do about things, am I even moving in the right direction. That sort of stuff. And the stuff that's just stuck in my head la -- like my subconscious obsession with work and wanting to do a good job, and people and things that uncontrollably keep popping up in my mind. Or I think of the TV show Lost, and how anytime the plane could crash and I'd be in the middle of nowhere and no one would find me.
And then before I get zoned out it would then be time for my airline food from the flight attendants, and my extra beer or extra wine.
Oh I watched Kate Winslet's The Reader on the flight to Hong Kong too. I was sitting in the middle seat between two businessman-looking guys and I couldn't help but feel incredibly awkward during the nude scenes (reminiscent of Titanic, anyone?) and love scenes of Kate's character and the 15-year-old boy. Almost like pedophilia I think. Shudder. I hope my two seatmates didn't think I was a pervert. Then again it was an Oscar-nominated film, and gave Kate her best actress win.
The Reader. Well done. Depressed me just the way I like it. Last time I saw a movie on the plane it was Million Dollar Baby. Heart-wrenching drama movies for the pretentious side of me who thinks I'm qualified to dissect films after dabbling in a few film modules in NUS.
After whirlwind HK trip I'm back here in Singapore to do my work and sing in choir and prepare for trip to China with the choir on Sunday. (Less than two weeks after I arrive it's off to Phuket) Woot I never was the frequent traveler kind so this is unusual territory to me. It's tiring but refreshing and educational and leisurely too.
NUS Choir. I keep coming back to you huh. I'm getting into the choir spirit again. Maybe it's because everything is falling into place for the five songs we're singing for the choir competition in Hangzhou, I'm sort of connecting with the new faces in the choir, and I don't know, it's the music lah, thank God for the music, the songs I'm singing, what would life be, without a song, or a dance what are we? Yeah something like that. And Michelle and Peimin that Pooka video was very sweet of you. Made me feel warm and fuzzy about the choir thing again.
OK la, since I'm blabbering some random shout-outs. You, I miss you. You, whew, I think, for my sake, please get out of my head (I'm tired of overthinking). Or give me a sign. You, thanks for looking after me. You, I really hate to lie to you, but sigh, I like to think I don't have much choice. You, I wish I could keep in touch more. You, I wish you'd snap out of it. You, I think you should think of people other than yourself. You, don't change, I like you just the way you are.
And as for you, Mr Joe, go to bed. Don't re-read and proofread and tidy up this entry. Loong last day at work tomorrow before your two-week block leave. And the audit guys are coming, and your ass is sort of on the line. Wooooo scary. But don't worry, believe you've covered your ass well enough and that you're sort of invincible. Believe in yourself la you.
You're okay. You just have to wait for your turn. Whatever that means.
Wah so many things on my mind right now. So lemme just fire away randomly and see how much base I'd cover.
I came back last night from Hong Kong! Cool place, my first time there. Sorry parents I wasn't able to say hello and tell you how I was... for some reason I couldn't SMS after sending out a few messages. But woot HK is good stuff. Even if I was mostly in the hotel and in the office and surrounding areas, it was very charming la. Not as clean as Singapore, but the apartments are towering, the cars are fancier, the people are cute, and although I can't speak a word of Cantonese, I think I'd like to brave it on my own over there and see how it goes.:) Glad my boss was with me though, so I didn't get lost. Learned a lot of things over beer too. Haha. And woot five-star hotel room to myself, and many big soft pillows and bathtub and buffet breakfast. I could get used to that, though I'll never go to one of those if I were using my own $.
I happen to like being in airplanes a lot. Makes me think of things. Like what the hell I'm doing with my life, like where I'm actually going, am I really too young (my HK colleague was stunned when I told him over sumptious Chinese lunch that I'm only 23 -- they're all in their late twenties) or am I getting old, when will I shake off this 'little boy' feeling in the team and act mature and professional so people take me more seriously? While up in the air I tend to think of big-picture stuff -- must be because of the zoomed-out-ness of the view from the airplane window. Something along the cheesiness of what the story of my life is, is this how I planned it to be, have I been a good person, why I'm happy, why I'm unhappy, what I can do about things, am I even moving in the right direction. That sort of stuff. And the stuff that's just stuck in my head la -- like my subconscious obsession with work and wanting to do a good job, and people and things that uncontrollably keep popping up in my mind. Or I think of the TV show Lost, and how anytime the plane could crash and I'd be in the middle of nowhere and no one would find me.
And then before I get zoned out it would then be time for my airline food from the flight attendants, and my extra beer or extra wine.
Oh I watched Kate Winslet's The Reader on the flight to Hong Kong too. I was sitting in the middle seat between two businessman-looking guys and I couldn't help but feel incredibly awkward during the nude scenes (reminiscent of Titanic, anyone?) and love scenes of Kate's character and the 15-year-old boy. Almost like pedophilia I think. Shudder. I hope my two seatmates didn't think I was a pervert. Then again it was an Oscar-nominated film, and gave Kate her best actress win.
The Reader. Well done. Depressed me just the way I like it. Last time I saw a movie on the plane it was Million Dollar Baby. Heart-wrenching drama movies for the pretentious side of me who thinks I'm qualified to dissect films after dabbling in a few film modules in NUS.
After whirlwind HK trip I'm back here in Singapore to do my work and sing in choir and prepare for trip to China with the choir on Sunday. (Less than two weeks after I arrive it's off to Phuket) Woot I never was the frequent traveler kind so this is unusual territory to me. It's tiring but refreshing and educational and leisurely too.
NUS Choir. I keep coming back to you huh. I'm getting into the choir spirit again. Maybe it's because everything is falling into place for the five songs we're singing for the choir competition in Hangzhou, I'm sort of connecting with the new faces in the choir, and I don't know, it's the music lah, thank God for the music, the songs I'm singing, what would life be, without a song, or a dance what are we? Yeah something like that. And Michelle and Peimin that Pooka video was very sweet of you. Made me feel warm and fuzzy about the choir thing again.
OK la, since I'm blabbering some random shout-outs. You, I miss you. You, whew, I think, for my sake, please get out of my head (I'm tired of overthinking). Or give me a sign. You, thanks for looking after me. You, I really hate to lie to you, but sigh, I like to think I don't have much choice. You, I wish I could keep in touch more. You, I wish you'd snap out of it. You, I think you should think of people other than yourself. You, don't change, I like you just the way you are.
And as for you, Mr Joe, go to bed. Don't re-read and proofread and tidy up this entry. Loong last day at work tomorrow before your two-week block leave. And the audit guys are coming, and your ass is sort of on the line. Wooooo scary. But don't worry, believe you've covered your ass well enough and that you're sort of invincible. Believe in yourself la you.
You're okay. You just have to wait for your turn. Whatever that means.
What's on your mind?
Ahh, the perennial Facebook question: What's on your mind?
Or, if it were the early 90's, it would have been, 'In your heeeead, in your heeeaaad, what's in your heeeeeeaaaad?' Hehe hello Cranberries.
But really, that happens to be my favourite question, or a variant of it. In a particular quiet time, I go ask the nearest person, "So.. what are you thinking?"
And I mean it, it's fascinating. I love to know what's on people's minds. Some minds I can't particularly read, and so I ask. Some minds I can read a bit and make a guess, but I want to confirm. Some minds I know what's going on at a particular time, but ask anyway, because I like to hear it spoken aloud, and it feels better that way sometimes for kaypoh (busybody) little me, and for the other party I hope. And lest you think I'm being intrusive, I only ask this question to people I'm close to, who I know wouldn't mind sharing.:) I happen to like asking the question, and being asked it.
* * *
And since I like talking to myself (Don't admit this in public, I was once advised), I ask myself too what's on my mind, for the simple reason that I'm not sure myself. It's all a load of mush right now, and I wouldn't know where to start.
All I know that something's going on in there, and I'm affected. Sometimes I think too that what's in the head is separate from what's in the (pardon me while I cringe at my own cheesiness) heart and what's in the other head (haha oops), but I think from my high school biology lessons it's really all in the brain. All in the head.
And the past two weeks especially, of goodbyes and long-distance calls and new changes, of dinners and suppers and meeting my favorite ex-colleague and good friends, of long walks by my lonesome and and the realization of too much/too little 'me' time, of stuff of the I-can't-believe-I'm-saying-this and I-can't believe-you-said-that kind, of more emo 'oh-shit-I-remember-this-feeling' moments, of waking up randomly at 4AM OR sleeping at 4AM, of being dazed and spacing out randomly at work, of SAS codes and correlation and reliability of parameter estimates, of birthday parties and beer and tequila and Japanese whiskey and Michael Jackson(!), of music and choir and harmonies and China, of tagged photos and videos and Facebook (I'm not flirting!) and Mafia wars, of lousy lousy Windows Live Messenger screwing up my conversations with at least three different people, of Holy Week and Easter reflections (or lack of) and of supreme love regardless, of little surprises that make me feel like I'm valuable, that I'm missed, that I'm loved, even if I'm feeling sloppy and insecure and slightly stoopid.
Yep, I confirm that lingering suspicion that it's all soup in my head right now. No surprise there.
(I realize the paragraph before the previous is so incredibly long and incoherent and random and painful haha and I'm sorry. That's the closest I can get to telling my current state of affairs.)
* * *
But going by my Facebook status, I'm quite sad I did not get to watch Rachael Yamagata's concert last night. Not that I wanted to go badly enough ($98 ticket and no definite companion to come with me -- I just rationalize and think that I spent the money for the Nike running shoes I bought the other day), but it would have been very nice. Maybe because she's one of the artists who makes me feel funny, you know, the type who just strikes a chord somewhere.
Whether it's her gritty Worn Me Down or the happy lovey 1963 or her dreamy Be Be Your Love, I just melt. But this song Reason Why below is what gets to me, it makes me so incredibly sad. I like. (Zach Braff of Scrubs introduces her too, two of my favorite people in the same video clip!)
Have a nice day everyone. 8:04AM and it's time to shower and get ready for work.
Or, if it were the early 90's, it would have been, 'In your heeeead, in your heeeaaad, what's in your heeeeeeaaaad?' Hehe hello Cranberries.But really, that happens to be my favourite question, or a variant of it. In a particular quiet time, I go ask the nearest person, "So.. what are you thinking?"
And I mean it, it's fascinating. I love to know what's on people's minds. Some minds I can't particularly read, and so I ask. Some minds I can read a bit and make a guess, but I want to confirm. Some minds I know what's going on at a particular time, but ask anyway, because I like to hear it spoken aloud, and it feels better that way sometimes for kaypoh (busybody) little me, and for the other party I hope. And lest you think I'm being intrusive, I only ask this question to people I'm close to, who I know wouldn't mind sharing.:) I happen to like asking the question, and being asked it.
* * *
And since I like talking to myself (Don't admit this in public, I was once advised), I ask myself too what's on my mind, for the simple reason that I'm not sure myself. It's all a load of mush right now, and I wouldn't know where to start.
All I know that something's going on in there, and I'm affected. Sometimes I think too that what's in the head is separate from what's in the (pardon me while I cringe at my own cheesiness) heart and what's in the other head (haha oops), but I think from my high school biology lessons it's really all in the brain. All in the head.
And the past two weeks especially, of goodbyes and long-distance calls and new changes, of dinners and suppers and meeting my favorite ex-colleague and good friends, of long walks by my lonesome and and the realization of too much/too little 'me' time, of stuff of the I-can't-believe-I'm-saying-this and I-can't believe-you-said-that kind, of more emo 'oh-shit-I-remember-this-feeling' moments, of waking up randomly at 4AM OR sleeping at 4AM, of being dazed and spacing out randomly at work, of SAS codes and correlation and reliability of parameter estimates, of birthday parties and beer and tequila and Japanese whiskey and Michael Jackson(!), of music and choir and harmonies and China, of tagged photos and videos and Facebook (I'm not flirting!) and Mafia wars, of lousy lousy Windows Live Messenger screwing up my conversations with at least three different people, of Holy Week and Easter reflections (or lack of) and of supreme love regardless, of little surprises that make me feel like I'm valuable, that I'm missed, that I'm loved, even if I'm feeling sloppy and insecure and slightly stoopid.
Yep, I confirm that lingering suspicion that it's all soup in my head right now. No surprise there.
(I realize the paragraph before the previous is so incredibly long and incoherent and random and painful haha and I'm sorry. That's the closest I can get to telling my current state of affairs.)
* * *
But going by my Facebook status, I'm quite sad I did not get to watch Rachael Yamagata's concert last night. Not that I wanted to go badly enough ($98 ticket and no definite companion to come with me -- I just rationalize and think that I spent the money for the Nike running shoes I bought the other day), but it would have been very nice. Maybe because she's one of the artists who makes me feel funny, you know, the type who just strikes a chord somewhere.
Whether it's her gritty Worn Me Down or the happy lovey 1963 or her dreamy Be Be Your Love, I just melt. But this song Reason Why below is what gets to me, it makes me so incredibly sad. I like. (Zach Braff of Scrubs introduces her too, two of my favorite people in the same video clip!)
Have a nice day everyone. 8:04AM and it's time to shower and get ready for work.
Waters of March
It's a March thing I think. Must be the March weather or something and my genetic make-up not compatible with the workings of the cosmos at this time of the year. Yeah, whatever right.
Relax, relax, relax Joe. Chill. But dunno, know the feeling where there's something stuck in your back and you can't shake it off? I was thinking maybe a massage or a jog or a swim will do the trick.
Until then, I can't help myself, whine begins now. It's just that everything's happening so fast and suddenly this and that and I'm mentally and physically and emotionally exhausted. It's the work piling up and my team still being understaffed despite efforts to hire, it's my colleague leaving and making me feel sad (though thanks for the doughnuts and for being very nice to me and taking my crap :D), it's another colleague getting PMS-y about office politics, it's conversations that momentarily stirred me up into a fit (but thank God it's over and peacefully settled), it's a money thing, it's a little personal problem thing, it's a good intentions thing, and even my good friend being retrenched and another feeling emo and another who feels disgusted with self and yet another who's not too happy with the outcomes of the world. (I don't know why other people affect me so much, I think it comes with my Superman Syndrome, and that's not quite a good thing sometimes.)
* * *
So strange. I was perfectly fine Friday and Saturday. Went Harry's, went clubbing even and had lunches and dinners and movie with friends and even met guests from home and got my favourite chunk of cheese from home. Hmm.
I think it's the build-up of stuff over the weeks. For the past month I've been having restless nights and strange dreams about me getting beaten up, about death in general, about my own death, about church, about hook-ups, about road trips, about the beach, about people dear to me, about people I haven't met in a while, about chance encounters and beautiful strangers, about credit cards modeling even.
* * *
Oh man, maybe it's the lack of sleep and physical fatigue. Hopefully it's just that. And what was going through my head as I experience all this is -- this is very much like last year. When my honours year project got me into an emo phase, and I got worked up perhaps more than I should have.
But we learn right. We learn from the past and make things better. Sometimes no way to learn but to just take the plunge and get smacked and whacked hard.
Anyway here's a happy song to cheer anyone else with the March blues.
It's the wind blowing free,
It's the end of the slope,
It's a beam, it's a void,
It's a hunch, it's a hope
And the river bank talks
of the waters of March,
It's the end of the strain,
It's the joy in your heart
It's the end of the slope,
It's a beam, it's a void,
It's a hunch, it's a hope
And the river bank talks
of the waters of March,
It's the end of the strain,
It's the joy in your heart
Night.
Restless times
5:54AM and I'm already up! I've been up for more than hour now. Who wakes up at 4:30AM in Singapore? Apparently the restless ones like me. But hey, good morning!
My brain's pretty much fried from work actually so, as per recent plan, let's not overthink this blog post and just get crunching.
* * *
What can I say, work is getting exciting! Exciting times man, the type that makes me want to sneak in on Sunday mornings or afternoons, just to get my code up and running so I can perform my analysis on what I fondly call my monster dataset on credit cards.
My Singaporean boss, or my other half in the 'retail' sub-team, was out for compulsory reservist training with the army for most of last week, so it was pretty much alone time for me at the office while the rest of the team (including big boss Aussie) went for their 'wholesale' sub-team meetings, which lasted for most afternoons in the week.
Aussie boss would come out from their meetings and teasingly sing to me that only cheery sad song "Alone Again (Naturally)," while I was at my workstation doing my work by my lonesome. Haha. Fine. As long as I have my music fix, thanks to imeem (and it's autoplay of related songs) or my MP3 player, I'm good to go. Alone time notwithstanding.
And besides, I've got more than enough work to last me all March. It's quite painful especially since we're understaffed right now, but I feel quite empowered too. Analyses can get screwed up because of me, since I've got both hands all dirty digging into the data in every way imaginable.
But it's just nice. At least now I have a legitimate answer to that age-old question, "Why are you still single?" "Focus on career muna." Haha.
* * *
But yeah, it's taking its toll on me leh, work stuff. Sometimes I whack myself in the head trying to figure things out, make sense of numbers, make sense of business words, send emails to another team to bug them about the information I need, and now I even hijack at least two other laptops from my teammates so I can run my codes. Okay Joe, stop whining now. Haha.
I had a good weekend though. And it's actually been a series of good weekends, so yay to that. Haaay nakow I'm so cheap I get off on simple thrills. Lunches and dinners with friends, Magic Singing with Karen and the housemates, helping Aaron with his final-year project poster (YES finally you're getting as insufferably fussy as me haha -- there's a reason why The Ridge layout team was quite annoyed with me oops), and yay I learned how to play "Anyone Else But You" from the Juno movie on the guitar! Haha and before anyone points out yes it's only two chords for the whole song. But it's damn cute, I like.
* * *
Oh and one more disturbing thing. I'm turning fat. Haha. Yes I still jog about two or three times a week, yes, and I'm not fat fat, just err.. tummy-ing. I knew it lah, I shouldn't have agreed with my housemate Clint to embark on this 'Race to 75'. Haha that's race to 75kg for you, me going up from 65kg some months back, and him from 80something. Currently I'm toggling between 69 and 70kg depending on the time of day haha. I think Clint's winning. Must go work out somehow la Jose.
It's just weird, I've never been fat all my life. Haha. Actually I was a fattish baby, but that's about it:
That's me in the family car where I was born, i.e. unceremoniously popped out. Ahh yes, my tummy looks just like that now, twentyplus years after. Haha.
* * *
Alright, sun's up. Hopefully weather won't be cold and gloomy like yesterday's. For some reason, weather like that makes me feel like those slow and tender Taylor Swift or Jason Mraz songs. Whatever that means, not now okay, Joseph has work to do! Haha have a nice day.
My brain's pretty much fried from work actually so, as per recent plan, let's not overthink this blog post and just get crunching.
* * *
What can I say, work is getting exciting! Exciting times man, the type that makes me want to sneak in on Sunday mornings or afternoons, just to get my code up and running so I can perform my analysis on what I fondly call my monster dataset on credit cards.
My Singaporean boss, or my other half in the 'retail' sub-team, was out for compulsory reservist training with the army for most of last week, so it was pretty much alone time for me at the office while the rest of the team (including big boss Aussie) went for their 'wholesale' sub-team meetings, which lasted for most afternoons in the week.
Aussie boss would come out from their meetings and teasingly sing to me that only cheery sad song "Alone Again (Naturally)," while I was at my workstation doing my work by my lonesome. Haha. Fine. As long as I have my music fix, thanks to imeem (and it's autoplay of related songs) or my MP3 player, I'm good to go. Alone time notwithstanding.
And besides, I've got more than enough work to last me all March. It's quite painful especially since we're understaffed right now, but I feel quite empowered too. Analyses can get screwed up because of me, since I've got both hands all dirty digging into the data in every way imaginable.
But it's just nice. At least now I have a legitimate answer to that age-old question, "Why are you still single?" "Focus on career muna." Haha.
* * *
But yeah, it's taking its toll on me leh, work stuff. Sometimes I whack myself in the head trying to figure things out, make sense of numbers, make sense of business words, send emails to another team to bug them about the information I need, and now I even hijack at least two other laptops from my teammates so I can run my codes. Okay Joe, stop whining now. Haha.
I had a good weekend though. And it's actually been a series of good weekends, so yay to that. Haaay nakow I'm so cheap I get off on simple thrills. Lunches and dinners with friends, Magic Singing with Karen and the housemates, helping Aaron with his final-year project poster (YES finally you're getting as insufferably fussy as me haha -- there's a reason why The Ridge layout team was quite annoyed with me oops), and yay I learned how to play "Anyone Else But You" from the Juno movie on the guitar! Haha and before anyone points out yes it's only two chords for the whole song. But it's damn cute, I like.
* * *
Oh and one more disturbing thing. I'm turning fat. Haha. Yes I still jog about two or three times a week, yes, and I'm not fat fat, just err.. tummy-ing. I knew it lah, I shouldn't have agreed with my housemate Clint to embark on this 'Race to 75'. Haha that's race to 75kg for you, me going up from 65kg some months back, and him from 80something. Currently I'm toggling between 69 and 70kg depending on the time of day haha. I think Clint's winning. Must go work out somehow la Jose.
It's just weird, I've never been fat all my life. Haha. Actually I was a fattish baby, but that's about it:
That's me in the family car where I was born, i.e. unceremoniously popped out. Ahh yes, my tummy looks just like that now, twentyplus years after. Haha.* * *
Alright, sun's up. Hopefully weather won't be cold and gloomy like yesterday's. For some reason, weather like that makes me feel like those slow and tender Taylor Swift or Jason Mraz songs. Whatever that means, not now okay, Joseph has work to do! Haha have a nice day.
For no apparent reason
Goooood morning blogosphere. Feels good to be back after two months!
This time it will be different; no (empty) promises of sticking around and blogging more regularly, no long journal entries that are overthought and sanitized as if they were articles. Then again, that promise to be 'different' I'm also not sure I can keep. Haha.
Plan for this entry is to for me to let the fingers do the thinking and typing (thanks for the reminder I don't type too slow after all) and click that "Publish Post" button and get a blog entry done and over with. In short, plan is to get some rambling done today, for no apparent reason.
* * *
I want to blog today about how thankful I am with the world I'm in right now. I don't know, it's a feeling that's a mix of serenity, what's left of teenage angst (haha yep and I'm three years into the twenties!), quite a lot of satisfaction with work and that thing that good people that surround you -- family friends colleagues random smiley strangers and aunties (I'm friendly with them lol) -- do to you.
I don't know. Maybe it's the feeling of not having documented my life for a long time. For not marking events and people and places with imaginary mental yellow and red markers (ala The Amazing Race) that are supposed to track the (I hesitate to use the word 'milestones') progress I've made thus far, twenty-three trips around the sun and counting.
Maybe it's the feeling too of having missed what I term my 'new years', and not having been made enough traction on the resolutions I had planned. New Year Number 1 is New Year's Day, and that's supposed to set the stage for the legendary (Hello Barney of How I Met Your Mother) changes I'm supposed to make. Supposed to. I procrastinated and hey, there's New Year Number 2.
That's Chinese New Year, which was sometime in late January. What I realize is it's too incredibly easy to get sucked up with whatever one is doing and there's just not enough time to step back, and take a look back at the tracks. And so there's New Year Number 3, my birthday early February. That again, seemed like a good place to start afresh.
* * *
The thing with me is always go on false starts. But the thought is there, the resolve is there, it's just... lacking perhaps. Start what, exactly? I'm not too sure myself. Haha. It's a lot, actually, and it's the stuff I miss.
I miss writing. I miss reading. The big secret about me being an ex-editor and an English Studies minor is that I am not actually well-read (I mistook Hamlet for Macbeth in my literature class-- now I still think twice which is which). Little me was quite a library boy too. I miss that. I miss making music. I went for the choir concert last week and I remember the sheer beauty of making one incredible chord, never mind if mine occasionally was the shaky one buried beneath 70 other voices. Oh and Cecilia offered to sell me her keyboard. Tempting tempting! I haven't played the piano in the longest time. But if I buy it, can I sustain it? Oh and I miss blogging, if this long-winded aimless entry is any proof.
* * *
Also I want to articulate somehow how thankful I am because I find myself lucky. My boss doesn't hate me for almost dozing off in his team meetings, he even finds it amusing. (Never again boss, I'm sorry) I'm lucky I'm learning a lot of things from my job, including being patient and thorough and how to relate with people. And how different it is at work now, compared to the stress levels I hit last year in school (what with the thesis, level four modules, final semester blues). Oh and I haven't been axed yet, and I still get a bonus too even if I haven't worked for a full year, so yay to that.
And my friends lah. My housemates and Pinoy friends, my MSN and Yahoo! and Facebook buddies (I'm beginning to love chatting online again), choir friends, my colleagues at work. And family, needless to say, I miss you at home. Oh the Titans musta naman kayo jan? Haha. And hmmmm you. When will I find you? Haha hurry up and get here!
* * *
I should jog more often in the morning. These were the thoughts in my head as I was running 5.4km with myself around six in the morning yesterday, along with some older uncles and aunties (the younger jogging crowd opt for evenings if I'm not wrong) and quite a few dogs being walked by their owners.
Exhilarating feeling. Especially when the sun rises to greet you as you end your run, and Stereophonics' Have a Nice Day randomly plays in your earphones.
Have a nice day people, and good night.
This time it will be different; no (empty) promises of sticking around and blogging more regularly, no long journal entries that are overthought and sanitized as if they were articles. Then again, that promise to be 'different' I'm also not sure I can keep. Haha.
Plan for this entry is to for me to let the fingers do the thinking and typing (thanks for the reminder I don't type too slow after all) and click that "Publish Post" button and get a blog entry done and over with. In short, plan is to get some rambling done today, for no apparent reason.
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I want to blog today about how thankful I am with the world I'm in right now. I don't know, it's a feeling that's a mix of serenity, what's left of teenage angst (haha yep and I'm three years into the twenties!), quite a lot of satisfaction with work and that thing that good people that surround you -- family friends colleagues random smiley strangers and aunties (I'm friendly with them lol) -- do to you.
I don't know. Maybe it's the feeling of not having documented my life for a long time. For not marking events and people and places with imaginary mental yellow and red markers (ala The Amazing Race) that are supposed to track the (I hesitate to use the word 'milestones') progress I've made thus far, twenty-three trips around the sun and counting.
Maybe it's the feeling too of having missed what I term my 'new years', and not having been made enough traction on the resolutions I had planned. New Year Number 1 is New Year's Day, and that's supposed to set the stage for the legendary (Hello Barney of How I Met Your Mother) changes I'm supposed to make. Supposed to. I procrastinated and hey, there's New Year Number 2.
That's Chinese New Year, which was sometime in late January. What I realize is it's too incredibly easy to get sucked up with whatever one is doing and there's just not enough time to step back, and take a look back at the tracks. And so there's New Year Number 3, my birthday early February. That again, seemed like a good place to start afresh.
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The thing with me is always go on false starts. But the thought is there, the resolve is there, it's just... lacking perhaps. Start what, exactly? I'm not too sure myself. Haha. It's a lot, actually, and it's the stuff I miss.
I miss writing. I miss reading. The big secret about me being an ex-editor and an English Studies minor is that I am not actually well-read (I mistook Hamlet for Macbeth in my literature class-- now I still think twice which is which). Little me was quite a library boy too. I miss that. I miss making music. I went for the choir concert last week and I remember the sheer beauty of making one incredible chord, never mind if mine occasionally was the shaky one buried beneath 70 other voices. Oh and Cecilia offered to sell me her keyboard. Tempting tempting! I haven't played the piano in the longest time. But if I buy it, can I sustain it? Oh and I miss blogging, if this long-winded aimless entry is any proof.
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Also I want to articulate somehow how thankful I am because I find myself lucky. My boss doesn't hate me for almost dozing off in his team meetings, he even finds it amusing. (Never again boss, I'm sorry) I'm lucky I'm learning a lot of things from my job, including being patient and thorough and how to relate with people. And how different it is at work now, compared to the stress levels I hit last year in school (what with the thesis, level four modules, final semester blues). Oh and I haven't been axed yet, and I still get a bonus too even if I haven't worked for a full year, so yay to that.
And my friends lah. My housemates and Pinoy friends, my MSN and Yahoo! and Facebook buddies (I'm beginning to love chatting online again), choir friends, my colleagues at work. And family, needless to say, I miss you at home. Oh the Titans musta naman kayo jan? Haha. And hmmmm you. When will I find you? Haha hurry up and get here!
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I should jog more often in the morning. These were the thoughts in my head as I was running 5.4km with myself around six in the morning yesterday, along with some older uncles and aunties (the younger jogging crowd opt for evenings if I'm not wrong) and quite a few dogs being walked by their owners.
Exhilarating feeling. Especially when the sun rises to greet you as you end your run, and Stereophonics' Have a Nice Day randomly plays in your earphones.
Have a nice day people, and good night.
