Last Two

The last's are always remarkable stuff -- and you don't even have to go the emo route to at least acknowledge their significance.

I was thinking that since I'm halfway done with my finals, and I have two remaining exams in two days, I really should be doing some counting down of sorts. And making these last two exams significant one way or another. The last exams of my university days! The last exams as an undergraduate ever!

And now that I'm pouring my brain cells and time and energy -- my all essentially -- into these last two exams, I thought I might as well make it a little more significant, by, erm, offering these efforts to some people (No, it's not as cheesy as it sounds.)

Anyway, let me just for the record say that I'm offering all this tremendously tedious hard work to My Favourite People -- you know who you are. Or not. Haha, you're probably reading this (or not), but if you at least remotely think of me and hope for a second that I'll survive these trying times (not only mentally but physically -- I've begun to throw up again!), then most probably you're one of them.

Or even if you don't even know I'm struggling now, but if you so happen to impact me that I'm just fond of you, even if it doesn't show (either me being fond of you, and you being likable, or both), haha this one's for you as well.

Actually, My Favourite People has probably the loosest membership schemes in the universe, and you know me and you don't hate me enough, and I know you and I smile my silly smile when I meet you, then that's it. Lol.

Of course The Family is a shoo-in in this group, and I please hope you pray for me, Dad, Ma, Kai, and the Lola's, like you always do, as I think I'm gonna need a good dose of divine intervention in the next couple of days. Apparently, like my good Stats buddy Chang, I believe in good vibrations being passed around as well.

Sometimes I feel bad that I remember to pray the hardest during times like these, as if I've become reward-oriented and desperate. Still, I believe in divine help, and I know and trust the Big Man will help me get through these exciting times.

Two days, two exams, let's go.

Free Cones, Cheap Thrills

So I finally got me my Me Time, when I least planned it.

It was Tuesday. There I was, leaning on the railing at some spot at the expansive view deck of Vivo City, my free Ben & Jerry's strawberry ice cream cone in hand (my bad flu notwithstanding), and before me were the breathtaking sights of the harbour and its randomly dispersed fleet of ships, and of the (real) deep blue sea (in contrast to the secret one I nicknamed as such) that shimmered in the early sunset, while the gentle evening breeze just nicely ruffled my hair.

My eyes wandered down to the floor below me, where two little angmoh (Caucasian) kids were playing in the small man-made pond of sorts. The little girl was standing precariously close to the edge where the tiles met the water, and she began to lie down on the tiles, while her even littler brother was walking around tracing the outline of the pond (I think pond is the wrong word.. but let's let it go OK). Soon, after a particularly enthusiastic round of tracing, the little boy fell on the ground -- face first -- stayed there for a second, stood up to find his sister staring and giggling, before he began to cry and run to his Mom, who was having coffee with a friend. The Mom said a few quick words and patted him, and soon he was back in the pond again, laughing as if nothing happened.

This time it was the sister who I was worried about. She was walking -- prancing, even -- on the edge again, and she had this carefree manner about her that I was worried she'd fall into the water and wet all her clothes. And true enough, she did step into the water, and I remember thinking, Oh this silly pair of kids, before realizing that the water of the "pond" was barely ankle-deep. Cheyyy. Now she looked like she was walking on water, prancing on water, even, and soon her brother joined the fun and did the walk-on-water trick as well. Looked cool, I would've joined them if only I wasn't at least four times their age. Hehe.

I accidentally dropped the colourful ice-cream-shaped promo flyer I was given while I queued ("Love... is giving" it said, among other things), to the floor below, and the little boy ran to get it. Little boy and little girl were looking at it and playing with it afterwards, though I wouldn't be surprised if they tired of it by the end of the day. Hehe. Those kids were incredibly cute.

A trio of girls were camwhoring to my left, sitting down on a mat, taking photo upon photo of their free B&J cones (it was the annual Free Cone Day, let me spell out the obvious), and a guy yuppie was to my right, enjoying his cone as well while looking out at sea.

Just nice. Joseph alone with his multiple selves, with a spectacular view before him, some adorable little kids too, and also around were some random people, who, although he didn't know or care for much, really, seemed to be in such pleasant spirits he can't help but feel the same. Yep, time to chill, relax, and rest after a week that consisted of exam revision, of a random insect bite that resulted in a bad case of rashes and an adrenaline shot up my left buttcheek, of fever and flu, and of course some good news (congrats to my sister Kai for enjoying her interview) and an all-night birthday celebration (happy birthday again Oliver!). But mostly it was exam season, and I had just completed the first exam earlier that afternoon (Stochastic Processes 2), with three more to go in a few days' time.

It was the perfect time to clear my head and relax.

As I was looking out at sea, licking my yummy strawberry ice cream, and taking in long deep breaths to relish this rare experience, the thought that came to mind was, What is the covariance of two standard Brownian motions B(s) and B(t)? How could you forget it's the minimum of s and t?

Oh, stochastic processes, look what you've done to me. I hope I did fairly decent for that exam, though, Brownian motion question notwithstanding. And another thing, for those doing statistics and maybe even maths, remember this trick: XY = X(X + (Y-X)). That may save your ass when you're asked for the covariance of two random variables, or Brownian motions even.

Zzzzz. Anyway, the ice cream was good stuff, and my mind wandered around for a good length of time that evening. I got myself a nice Esprit shirt on sale too, before getting myself a leisurely dinner for one at the food court, and before finally taking the bus back to NUS.

It was good to have a break. Sort of.

At times I do believe I am strong

... so someone tell me
why, why, why
do I, I, I
feel stupid?

Apparently, Matchbox Twenty's Mad Season is quite the anthem during this time of the season --- or any season for that matter. I can even pick a random line that's resonant to me one way or another. Dunno if that's a good thing.

Whether it's

You figured me out that, I'm lost and I'm hopeless

or

I feel stupid, but I know it won't last for long
And I've been guessing and I could have been guessing wrong

or

I feel stupid, but it's something that comes and goes
And I've been changing, I think it's funny how no one knows

or

I'm bleeding and broken, though I've never spoken
I come undone

Some pretty self-smacking stuff. But I dunno, call me weird, but I think it's good to lambaste yourself once in a while -- helps keep you grounded, gives you a reality check, and well, gives you a heads-up of how much you suck sometimes.

Then again,

Now I'm cryin', isn't that what you want?
I'm tryin' to live my life on my own -- but I won't

and

So, why ya gotta stand there looking like the answer now?
It seems to me you'll come around


suggest that maybe it's a call?

I need you now, do you think you can cope?

a direct cry for help, even?

So are you gonna stand there, are you gonna help me out?
We need to be together now.

Anyway, my favorite lines are still those that I wish were slightly more relevant.

I feel stupid, but I think I been catchin' on
I feel ugly, but I know I still turn you on


Whatever la, this is some sick warped version of Joseph blogging, don't take him seriously. He's whiney and emo and a doormat. Not as much fun as the real normal Joseph, who's supposedly engaged in tackling the complexities of financial time series as I type. One exam down, three more to go, and it's the end of the my University days.

Yeah, at times I do believe I am strong. Definitely. Invincible even.

Not today.