Let it sting. Feel the numbness and pain for a while; that's the only way to heal.
I hated having to lie to M thrice about the Deep Blue Sea thing. Sorry man, I hope you understand. But it was the timing, I couldn't tell you sooner. I dunno, it's this sticky situation where I was torn between telling the truth and cushioning the blow while factoring in the circumstances during the time. Anyway, I told the truth finally, and although I think he's still slightly bothered about it (i.e. the truth still stings), my conscience is clear now, and it's all gonna be fine for everyone.
* * *
One of the perks having to address myself in the third person is that I can berate myself (or him) without feeling too self-deprecating. Whatever, right. That sentence didn't even seem to make sense. Maybe the real reason is that it allows me a perspective that's detached and objective, never mind if there's a bit of denial there. In any case, sometimes things just work better, get thrust in one's head better if he heard it from someone else. (Self-denial is a funny thing.)
* * *
That said, allow me a moment to scold Joseph. I won't go into details, but he deserves it, really, for being a lazy, uninspired student who wastes time on Facebook and Blogger and Gmail when he should be studying for his Financial Math test tomorrow; for being a lousy friend to those who seem to value him; for being stubborn and insistent when really, it may be time to accept things he can't quite change; for being an evil nasty snob, who whines when other people give him the same treatment; for losing his work ethic, his drive, at this point in the academic game: with 40 days and nights left before the end of almost two-decades-long academic stint. Whatever happened to jobhunting, Jose? You can't count on only the Deep Blue Sea you know. Sure Deep Blue Sea might be it, but Plan B eh? Yes yes you're bogged down by your test and presentation tomorrow, and that other part-time job and projects and your HYP final draft yada yada, but just shut up, and reevaluate the priorities of the moment.
OK, now that you've wasted enough time blogging, go mug for your test tomorrow, and kick ass. You haven't been kicking much ass for a while now, it's about time.
* * *
I still think it's weird that I only blog when I'm busy and in need of an outlet to whine to. Maybe I should clarify that I only complete a blog entry when I'm busy. The drafts will just have to wait a while before they get posted up. Maybe in a week's time?
* * *
I was going through some John Mayer and Cynthia Alexander music lately, and I hope to find a moment, where I can just embed myself in their songs. I think it was Muriel who said in her blog (To Moooriel: Hey hello sa'yo! Stay happy k! I'm still stalking you.) that she finds Corrinne Bailey Rae's Put Your Records On the perfect song, when she's in the bus and looking out the window. Haha, I can totally imagine. I think it was Karen's feel-good song for a while too, though I think John Mayer's Wheel has been ringing in her head the past few weeks.
Now my John Mayer song of the moment is actually Clarity, and he said that it was really about finding this one moment, one moment of having not a care in the world, just enjoying that point in space and time, one moment of being free. But that moment is precious too, and he sings, By the time I recognize this moment/ this moment will be gone/ but I will bend the light / pretend that it somehow lingered on. Hope we all find that moment too, many of it if possible.
The other JM song is Split Screen Sadness, and although I'm not sure I correctly figured out what the title explicitly means in the song, especially the "split screen" part, let's just say it's a powerful heartfelt song well done -- not cheesy, not too emo I think. Maybe it's my bias for violins. Haha. Listen to it here.
The Cynthia Alexander songs I'll discuss another day; they deserve a separate entry.:)
* * *
OK dinner time then it's Financial Maths all the way. Wooohoo. Help me Lord, kay gikapuy na ko.:)
All HYPed up
Okay, I shouldn't be blogging, and yes yes this is the absolute worst time to blog, but with my heart pumping like mad, the blood flowing through my caffeine (no typo there), I think I should distract myself yet a 1002nd time and post something.
HYP presentation later, 1600hours. That's the Honours Year Project, or Honours Thesis, which took me two semesters to make, and which is given 24 modular credits, or 3 modules/subjects combined.
45minutes of talking to the audience, who'll mostly consist of my supervisor, my examiner, and a bunch of fellow statistics final year kids, and my unofficial supervisor Gelo of course. Haha I owe you a lot man, seriously. My sincerest gratitude for your help and patience. And another 45 minutes for an interview. A small intimate interview consisting of me and my supervisor and examiner.
My hands and fingers are shaking from too much coffee now, and my slides are still short of being fully completed. I still have to iron a shirt (shall I wear the gray one I wore for the first presentation of project progress, or shall I wear the striped pinkish purplish one?), and I can't even for the life of me iron these shirts perfectly! Even after one hour of trying and trying. (I miss you Ma! Kai does kickass ironing too, come to think of it!)
Anyway notes to self: Finish the slides by 1230AM. Head off to the statistics lab where the presentation is to take place, and start yakking by 1AM. Speak slowly, like Dad says. Don't hold anything, I know from experience I shake. A lot. Calm down, breathe, relax. Like I tell myself, this whole public speaking business is an unconsciously acquired skill -- and after speaking in class, in choir, in The Ridge, in random meetings, and even back in grade school and high school, dammit I should be OK now. Never mind if it wasn't an art I really mastered. But hmmmm actually I won in some oratorical contests in grade school (got eliminated early in some too lol)! Haha that should count for something?
Notes to self. Chill. Like Chang says. Yan Ru and Matt seemed to do okay in their presentations and practices, so just relax Jose. Admit that there were serious typos in your paper. Yes yes, they already know by now it was a rushed job, but that's that. They're statistics professors, so they know better than to judge for typos. They will evaluate your paper based on statistical analysis and discussion more than anything else.
Don't worry about Dr L. He's a nice chap, really, so don't think that he's coming back to haunt you after you whined about his other module two years ago -- whined to the Stats department bigwigs too at that. He's brilliant really, I'm in awe of him. And with his big booming voice in lectures, I can't help but be a bit intimidated. He won't fry you, even if he knows the material you're discussing only too well.
Dr C my supervisor is on your side. Seriously. Keep thinking that. Even if you were blindsided and felt you didn't deserve the B- in her module last semester, it's okay. She's on your side. She won't fry you. She'll douse the fire even should Dr L decide to do the frying.
Okay okay, think positive. Nobody's getting fried. If anything, it's the HYP presentation I'm gonna fry till it's well done. Well done. Kick ass. I've always been anal and nitpicky when it comes to presentations and articles etc -- that HYP paper I submitted three weeks ago was well, a major hiccup because I didn't have time -- so this is gonna go down smoothly. Smooth and easy baby.
It comes down to this. The biggest project I've done as a Statistics major. 40% of 12 modular credits will be completed tomorrow -- and that's actually more than one module. In an hour and a half. Help me Lord.
Let's do this baby. Bring it on. 16 hours and 5 minutes and counting.
Oh, and happy Easter everyone!
HYP presentation later, 1600hours. That's the Honours Year Project, or Honours Thesis, which took me two semesters to make, and which is given 24 modular credits, or 3 modules/subjects combined.
45minutes of talking to the audience, who'll mostly consist of my supervisor, my examiner, and a bunch of fellow statistics final year kids, and my unofficial supervisor Gelo of course. Haha I owe you a lot man, seriously. My sincerest gratitude for your help and patience. And another 45 minutes for an interview. A small intimate interview consisting of me and my supervisor and examiner.
My hands and fingers are shaking from too much coffee now, and my slides are still short of being fully completed. I still have to iron a shirt (shall I wear the gray one I wore for the first presentation of project progress, or shall I wear the striped pinkish purplish one?), and I can't even for the life of me iron these shirts perfectly! Even after one hour of trying and trying. (I miss you Ma! Kai does kickass ironing too, come to think of it!)
Anyway notes to self: Finish the slides by 1230AM. Head off to the statistics lab where the presentation is to take place, and start yakking by 1AM. Speak slowly, like Dad says. Don't hold anything, I know from experience I shake. A lot. Calm down, breathe, relax. Like I tell myself, this whole public speaking business is an unconsciously acquired skill -- and after speaking in class, in choir, in The Ridge, in random meetings, and even back in grade school and high school, dammit I should be OK now. Never mind if it wasn't an art I really mastered. But hmmmm actually I won in some oratorical contests in grade school (got eliminated early in some too lol)! Haha that should count for something?
Notes to self. Chill. Like Chang says. Yan Ru and Matt seemed to do okay in their presentations and practices, so just relax Jose. Admit that there were serious typos in your paper. Yes yes, they already know by now it was a rushed job, but that's that. They're statistics professors, so they know better than to judge for typos. They will evaluate your paper based on statistical analysis and discussion more than anything else.
Don't worry about Dr L. He's a nice chap, really, so don't think that he's coming back to haunt you after you whined about his other module two years ago -- whined to the Stats department bigwigs too at that. He's brilliant really, I'm in awe of him. And with his big booming voice in lectures, I can't help but be a bit intimidated. He won't fry you, even if he knows the material you're discussing only too well.
Dr C my supervisor is on your side. Seriously. Keep thinking that. Even if you were blindsided and felt you didn't deserve the B- in her module last semester, it's okay. She's on your side. She won't fry you. She'll douse the fire even should Dr L decide to do the frying.
Okay okay, think positive. Nobody's getting fried. If anything, it's the HYP presentation I'm gonna fry till it's well done. Well done. Kick ass. I've always been anal and nitpicky when it comes to presentations and articles etc -- that HYP paper I submitted three weeks ago was well, a major hiccup because I didn't have time -- so this is gonna go down smoothly. Smooth and easy baby.
It comes down to this. The biggest project I've done as a Statistics major. 40% of 12 modular credits will be completed tomorrow -- and that's actually more than one module. In an hour and a half. Help me Lord.
Let's do this baby. Bring it on. 16 hours and 5 minutes and counting.
Oh, and happy Easter everyone!
Wistful Thinking
Final year in the University is really something eh? I don't know if it's the same thing for everyone, but this final semester has really pushed me to the edge. Amidst the mountain of school tasks I had to clear, I found myself tempted to raise my hands in resignation and quit; and that's something -- the Joseph I know never quits.
(For the record, Joseph being Joseph, he didn't quit eventually. That midterm test he threatened to throw, he actually screwed up anyway. That sucked, of course, but at least he can still say he tried his best.)
* * *
Incidentally, that test was for Stochastic Processes 2. For the uninitiated, allow me to introduce you to it. I have this theory that it is summed in this sentence, as phrased by my lecturer: Given the present, the past is of no significance to the future. That involves conditional probabilities actually, which I won't discuss. The process has this interesting "memoryless" property.
I'm inclined to consider that, actually, life as we know it, may be a stochastic process. Given the present, the past is of no significance to the future. Memoryless, perhaps? Because, really, isn't the now what's really important, and okay, maybe we can look back to the past and indulge in sweet remembrance, but does the future depend on it?
This leads to another question: what is now? Is today now? Isn't yesterday still too close to the present, and may still be within the now range? I'm tempted to throw in the theory of optimal bandwidth selection in my Nonparametric Statistics module, but I won't. Hehe.
Bottom line is, I think it is possible that life may be a stochastic process. And that's when Joseph turns slightly emo. Because Joseph's now as he knows it, is going to take a different turn soon, and he isn't quite ready to let go of it just yet.
* * *
Maybe it's the cold weather (my perennial excuse), or the weight of the schoolwork before me, or maybe it's just the final year thing, that's making me feel slightly funny. Wistful is too emo a word, but I guess that's the closest I could find. It's the jobhunt thing, and how I never quite got it going because of school stuff. It's the places thing -- I get attached to places. Like the Central Forum, where I am now, where I've done several all-nighters with several different people. My secret study places, the libraries, my classrooms and lecture theatres, my meeting rooms, my bedrooms, four of them spanning four residences in five years, and even the places I've at least left my slipper-marks on.
And don't get me started on the people. I'm a sucker for friendships. I'm easy that way. Whether you hate me or you don't care, I'm gonna miss you when I'm gone. You like, I like, come I'll be a fantastic friend. And yeah, of course you'll miss me when I'm gone. Haha.
* * *
Memoryless. I never liked the word in our class. But it's true, for the most part. Everyone's bound to forget, eventually. We can only hold on for so long, till we get tired and lazy and busy to remember and run out of things in common and things to say, and ultimately, we forget.
And then the now of today becomes the past, which, if the theory of stochastic processes is to be believed, eventually becomes irrelevant.
So while the now is here, I'm going to try make the most of it. It's sad I can't quite do as much as I could, thanks to the tasks still at hand, trust that I'm doing my best. Sayang lang, I wish I'd this and that earlier -- but that's the irrelevant past now.
* * *
One last question: why do my posts always end up taking an emo turn? Haha maybe I shouldn't be too transparent, and at 2:27AM, maybe it's time to leave the Central Forum and have a good night's rest. Good morning blogosphere, and good night.
(For the record, Joseph being Joseph, he didn't quit eventually. That midterm test he threatened to throw, he actually screwed up anyway. That sucked, of course, but at least he can still say he tried his best.)
* * *
Incidentally, that test was for Stochastic Processes 2. For the uninitiated, allow me to introduce you to it. I have this theory that it is summed in this sentence, as phrased by my lecturer: Given the present, the past is of no significance to the future. That involves conditional probabilities actually, which I won't discuss. The process has this interesting "memoryless" property.
I'm inclined to consider that, actually, life as we know it, may be a stochastic process. Given the present, the past is of no significance to the future. Memoryless, perhaps? Because, really, isn't the now what's really important, and okay, maybe we can look back to the past and indulge in sweet remembrance, but does the future depend on it?
This leads to another question: what is now? Is today now? Isn't yesterday still too close to the present, and may still be within the now range? I'm tempted to throw in the theory of optimal bandwidth selection in my Nonparametric Statistics module, but I won't. Hehe.
Bottom line is, I think it is possible that life may be a stochastic process. And that's when Joseph turns slightly emo. Because Joseph's now as he knows it, is going to take a different turn soon, and he isn't quite ready to let go of it just yet.
* * *
Maybe it's the cold weather (my perennial excuse), or the weight of the schoolwork before me, or maybe it's just the final year thing, that's making me feel slightly funny. Wistful is too emo a word, but I guess that's the closest I could find. It's the jobhunt thing, and how I never quite got it going because of school stuff. It's the places thing -- I get attached to places. Like the Central Forum, where I am now, where I've done several all-nighters with several different people. My secret study places, the libraries, my classrooms and lecture theatres, my meeting rooms, my bedrooms, four of them spanning four residences in five years, and even the places I've at least left my slipper-marks on.
And don't get me started on the people. I'm a sucker for friendships. I'm easy that way. Whether you hate me or you don't care, I'm gonna miss you when I'm gone. You like, I like, come I'll be a fantastic friend. And yeah, of course you'll miss me when I'm gone. Haha.
* * *
Memoryless. I never liked the word in our class. But it's true, for the most part. Everyone's bound to forget, eventually. We can only hold on for so long, till we get tired and lazy and busy to remember and run out of things in common and things to say, and ultimately, we forget.
And then the now of today becomes the past, which, if the theory of stochastic processes is to be believed, eventually becomes irrelevant.
So while the now is here, I'm going to try make the most of it. It's sad I can't quite do as much as I could, thanks to the tasks still at hand, trust that I'm doing my best. Sayang lang, I wish I'd this and that earlier -- but that's the irrelevant past now.
* * *
One last question: why do my posts always end up taking an emo turn? Haha maybe I shouldn't be too transparent, and at 2:27AM, maybe it's time to leave the Central Forum and have a good night's rest. Good morning blogosphere, and good night.
Back to blogging
Three months. How I managed not to blog for three full months I have no idea. But it happened, and that's that. For the record, I scribbled something of a blog entry aboard the plane on my December 31 flight back to Singapore, but I didn't quite manage to post it. Hmm I don't even know where that sheet of paper is. Hehe.
Anyway, it's been more than three months since that 'SOS' entry posted end of November. Three months with some eventful stuff going on too: (originally in this space was a single paragraph, but it got too long and so I'm bulleting the list instead haha. Pardon the self-indulgence)
* the exams and how they made feel good and bad but mostly exhausted;
* the honours thesis rush before my flight back to Davao;
* the unexpected and free and incredibly enjoyable overnight holiday in Cebu (courtesy of Cebu Pacific's plane and baggage delays) with a cool gang of Pinoy DHs -- and where I got drunk too, but that's another story (Mercia I actualy miss you!). For a while we passed by this building/sports hall/auditorium in Mandaue, which I distinctly remember visiting during my National Schools Press Conference trip in 2003... ahhh memories. And oh, there was the thrill of thinking we were almost kidnapped. lol.
* of course the precious Davao experience la -- friends family cousins dad ma kai lolas high school reunions, and Christmas -- everything I needed and missed after one full year in Singapore;
* the trip back to Singapore near midnight of New Year's;
* the resumption of classes and the thesis panic for first oral presentation;
* the Switchfoot concert and the madness surrounding it (who to come with me, how to get tickets, and of course the classic "I don't know if this means sh*t to you Joseph, but..." line I won't quite ever forget, and writing the review too, for the online version of the ridge, which was linked by a Switchfoot fansite and called "professional review" haha;
* that email that totally stunned me, but yey subsequent exchanges suggest everything's OK :) one word: detangled! :D
* the Chinese New Year/birthday celebrations (and lack of it, and the making up for it hehe), thanks to Iris and HZ (and the rest of the choir kids!) for the Wii party for CNY, for fellow February babies Robs and Kirsten, and the Clementi housemates for the triple birthday thingy, and the Pinoys and their special others who came (despite erm.. semi-food- shortage!) and of course Hayati and Joanne for the movie treat and the NYDC cake!
* the exciting times at the ridge -- though not very fun, cos it's the 'exciting' of the negative sort. hope the new editorial team settles this soon k.
the ongoing final semester schoolwork etc argh
* and the accomplishment of having submitted my thesis (or Honours Year Project as I've called it in previous entries) finally last Monday, after countless sleepless nights and days that were both mind-numbing and ego-crushing; and the Stochastic Processes midterm test I screwed up today because I was too busy doing the thesis during the study break.
As if I haven't rambled on yet, there are a lot more I wish to say, really. (Imagine being shut up for three months!) But those stuff aren't really my stuff la. Haha. I just want to mention how much I wish I could have sung for the NUS Choir's Varsity Voices concert (first time in four years I didn't sing! But I was helping out at Front-of-House this time), how I wish I could have been more active in the Filipino performance for the International Students Night and related activities (really, really, just busy, unfortunately), and I don't know, how I wish I did more writing than editing for the ridge (I miss writing already), how I wish I could have spent more time with people, especially that I'm leaving NUS very soon, how I wish I did this and did that etc. when I had the time, when I wasn't so bogged down by final year stuff, when I didn't create such a bad reputation for myself.
Anyway, this isn't supposed to be a ranty or whiney entry, nor did I intend it to be wistful and melancholic. But that's that. Maybe that's just Joseph for you, that's how Joseph has become of late. I can only sigh, and hope that those who matter and to whom I matter can connect the dots and figure me out. Emo la you Jose.
John Mayer's 'Daughters' is playing right now. And it's 4:30AM. Not the best time to play the song, and I think I'll switch to Depapepe instead.
And what do you know, it's time to sleep. Over an hour typing this post! I really write slowly, but hey, here's my first blog entry in three months!
Anyway, it's been more than three months since that 'SOS' entry posted end of November. Three months with some eventful stuff going on too: (originally in this space was a single paragraph, but it got too long and so I'm bulleting the list instead haha. Pardon the self-indulgence)
* the exams and how they made feel good and bad but mostly exhausted;
* the honours thesis rush before my flight back to Davao;
* the unexpected and free and incredibly enjoyable overnight holiday in Cebu (courtesy of Cebu Pacific's plane and baggage delays) with a cool gang of Pinoy DHs -- and where I got drunk too, but that's another story (Mercia I actualy miss you!). For a while we passed by this building/sports hall/auditorium in Mandaue, which I distinctly remember visiting during my National Schools Press Conference trip in 2003... ahhh memories. And oh, there was the thrill of thinking we were almost kidnapped. lol.
* of course the precious Davao experience la -- friends family cousins dad ma kai lolas high school reunions, and Christmas -- everything I needed and missed after one full year in Singapore;
* the trip back to Singapore near midnight of New Year's;
* the resumption of classes and the thesis panic for first oral presentation;
* the Switchfoot concert and the madness surrounding it (who to come with me, how to get tickets, and of course the classic "I don't know if this means sh*t to you Joseph, but..." line I won't quite ever forget, and writing the review too, for the online version of the ridge, which was linked by a Switchfoot fansite and called "professional review" haha;
* that email that totally stunned me, but yey subsequent exchanges suggest everything's OK :) one word: detangled! :D
* the Chinese New Year/birthday celebrations (and lack of it, and the making up for it hehe), thanks to Iris and HZ (and the rest of the choir kids!) for the Wii party for CNY, for fellow February babies Robs and Kirsten, and the Clementi housemates for the triple birthday thingy, and the Pinoys and their special others who came (despite erm.. semi-food- shortage!) and of course Hayati and Joanne for the movie treat and the NYDC cake!
* the exciting times at the ridge -- though not very fun, cos it's the 'exciting' of the negative sort. hope the new editorial team settles this soon k.
the ongoing final semester schoolwork etc argh
* and the accomplishment of having submitted my thesis (or Honours Year Project as I've called it in previous entries) finally last Monday, after countless sleepless nights and days that were both mind-numbing and ego-crushing; and the Stochastic Processes midterm test I screwed up today because I was too busy doing the thesis during the study break.
As if I haven't rambled on yet, there are a lot more I wish to say, really. (Imagine being shut up for three months!) But those stuff aren't really my stuff la. Haha. I just want to mention how much I wish I could have sung for the NUS Choir's Varsity Voices concert (first time in four years I didn't sing! But I was helping out at Front-of-House this time), how I wish I could have been more active in the Filipino performance for the International Students Night and related activities (really, really, just busy, unfortunately), and I don't know, how I wish I did more writing than editing for the ridge (I miss writing already), how I wish I could have spent more time with people, especially that I'm leaving NUS very soon, how I wish I did this and did that etc. when I had the time, when I wasn't so bogged down by final year stuff, when I didn't create such a bad reputation for myself.
Anyway, this isn't supposed to be a ranty or whiney entry, nor did I intend it to be wistful and melancholic. But that's that. Maybe that's just Joseph for you, that's how Joseph has become of late. I can only sigh, and hope that those who matter and to whom I matter can connect the dots and figure me out. Emo la you Jose.
John Mayer's 'Daughters' is playing right now. And it's 4:30AM. Not the best time to play the song, and I think I'll switch to Depapepe instead.
And what do you know, it's time to sleep. Over an hour typing this post! I really write slowly, but hey, here's my first blog entry in three months!
