The big (toe) surgery

Another of those wake-up-early days, and I guess I have no reason not to blog now. I'll make this nice and short and as quick as I can get, but of course, if you know me, this won't be short at all.

* * *

Big toe surgery finally pushed through last week, Tuesday! This Dr L of my neighborhood clinic has to be the most deadpan doctor I've ever met. I went to see him the Thursday before, and like the last time I visited, he still had the enthusiasm of Droopy the detective (one of the favorite dogs in cartoon history -- oh and Bolt is the new addition).



"OK, so what's the problem?" he says, seeing that I previously went because of flu.
"I came to check about my ingrown nail."
He took a look. "Where does it hurt now?"
Trick question, I thought, since it seemed obvious where the toe was misshapen and slightly bleeding. I pointed out the left side of the left big toe.

After a quick cursory look, he scribbles something and goes, "Come for surgery tomorrow."

I was stunned. Apparently he didn't think surgery was a big deal for some people. "Erm, okay."

* * *

Surgery was on Tuesday in the end, and it was not worth the anxiety of my previous post. "That's nothing! It's just a toe!" my housemate and junior Robinson was emphatically saying as I left the house. He had two serious surgeries the past two years.

It was interesting anyway, I think I had fun. I lay on the bed in a position resembling that of a mom about to give birth, knees up, legs apart, and my eyes staring at the ceiling, while I waited for the Dr L and the nurse.

They finally came and assured me they won't cut off my toe. That's a relief, I thought. They said they would start with injecting local anesthesia. Okay. Two injections. Okay, no problem with needles. Throughout the process I couldn't see my toe cos my knees and legs were obscuring the view.

After the injections, he called on the nurse to get his scissors/clamp/pliers whatever they called it. He started cutting into the toe slowly.

"Pain?" he asked me, my eyes still staring at the fan in the ceiling.
"No it's okay."
"Pain?"
"No pain." He dug a bit deeper.
"Pain?"
"A bit lah, but still can tahan." ('tahan' = 'endure')
"Pain?"
"Nope."
"Pain?" It was supposed to be annoying by now, but it wasn't.
"OK OK pain pain!"

He gave a small chuckle. "Just say lah," he said, and gave me another injection.

* * *

Anesthesia is fantastic. If only it was a magic cure that could work for all purposes, medical and otherwise.

* * *

"It's quite big, eh," Doc said, referring to the nail fragment that lost its way and dug into my skin. "Looks quite small on the outside, but it's actually quite big."

Thank you, thank you. You're still referring to the toenail? Haha.

He asked for bigger scissors.

Then he cut away into the nail, with the eagerness of a kid who was given his first pair of scissors and told he could cut whatever you want. Felt that way at least. And like I said, anesthesia is fantastic.

All too quickly he stopped, and told me to get up and take a look. A fifth of the visible part of the toenail had been cut away, and I was surprised it wasn't bleeding much. Doc seemed to let me take a look first, before he cut away some more.

"OK, we cut here (motioning to somewhere in the middle of the toenail) all the way down here (bottom left of the nail)."
"Okay."
"Go sleep," motioning for me to lie down again. I braced myself for another round of furious cutting.

Then he began to take off his gloves and walk away. "Err.. ?" I mumbled, confused.

"Oh it's done. The nurse will just clean it up." Apparently, what he'd just told me about the thing was what cutting they'd already done. As he headed out the door, he said with another chuckle, "Three months you had to endure it, and it takes us three minutes to remove." Haha true.

"I've had this before too," the nurse shared as she was cleaning it up. "But your nail is really huge, man." Haha.

"Do you want me to keep the nail and give it to you?"
I didn't even think twice. "Sure, of course. Thanks."

* * *


That's the mummified toe and the foot that comes along with it.

I'm not sure I should post a photo of the toenail, as it may disgust some people, so I've decided to let you choose to click HERE if you want to see the nail, as stored in a plastic canister for viewing.

* * *

The officemates called me up before the surgery not to wish me well ("Who says we're calling to wish you a good surgery? We want you to come back ASAP to do some work!" said Boss #2) and after the surgery to invite me to Harry's ("I want but I can't even wear shoes!"). Knowing the crazy bunch that is my team, I brought the nail to the office the next time I came in.:) Only the two bosses (and the only two other guys in the team) took a look though. Hehe.

I was probably limping for the rest of the day. Then went to Orchard Road the next day and did a whole lot of walking in and out of malls. I was still on MC (medical cert) after all.

Can't say I don't miss the toenail and the small tingling pain though. Haha.

Detours

Oh no it's back again. The waking-up-insanely-early-in-the-morning thing. I remember this occurring before, usually when I'm anxious, sometimes when I just sleep too early, sometimes when people and places and events just like to annoy me in my dreams. But the fact that the dreams exist at all -- and that I remember them -- at least tells me it was quite a restful sleep. Can't remember tonight's dream, though hopefully it didn't involve you (enough already, thanks).

In any case, I think the real reason I'm up early is that I'm apprehensive about the big (toe) surgery later. Finally some good news to Ma, to one of my favorite people Huixian, and to my Thai colleague Lulita especially, who all like to scold me about the ingrown nail I've been sustaining and nurturing(!) for the past three months now(?). I thought it was legitimately healing, seriously, and it stopped hurting and bleeding for a good few weeks, until it came back with a vengeance -- apparently it just buried itself deeper and has returned to give me a lingering aching painful surprise.:)

* * *

No surprise there, actually. Knowing me for a good twenty-odd years now, I think the Joseph is one who'll go for the long route, enduring whatever discomfort or pain, and which is the cheaper, less embarrassing way out.

I've been watching two sets of The Amazing Race, the original US version (Toni and Dallas why why?) and The Amazing Race Asia (Ida and Tania, "Actress and Heiress" from Malaysia were my favorites, and, surprisingly, I didn't feel much for the Filipino team Geoff and Tish) and my favorite part would invariably be the Detour, which is "a choice between two tasks, each with its pros and cons". Aside from the incredibly cool tasks, it's the way the detour is phrased that's interesting. Recent Detours saw the contestants choose between Ride the Lines or Ride the Rails in Moscow, Play like Mad or Act like Fools in Kazakhstan, and Bleary Eyed or Teary Eyed in India. Haha well done you writers you.

Before I ramble on completely off-track (if I haven't already), lemme say that if I were a contestant on my own Joe's Amazing Race, I'd know which tasks I would choose in the Detours. Shows how self-absorbed I am too. Haha. Or how much I've figured myself out.

Short and Sweet or Linger and Fester: Linger and Fester. That's why I've been putting off this ingrown thing for the longest time, went clubbing with it at least four times, thus having it squashed by too many random people. Applies in general terms too (long lazy chitchats, long goodbyes, memories that linger on past their expiry date).

Walk or Wait: Walk. Not a fan of waiting. I rather take the long walk to the office rather than wait for lights in the pedestrian lanes to green up.

Suck it up or F*ck it Up: Suck it up. Haha explains why I have such a high tolerance for pain and discomfort. Not that I particularly enjoy it, but I can live with it anytime. No need to screw up a good thing.

User-friendly or Friendly User: User-friendly. Haha got this one from an old conversation I had with an old classmate, some chitchat with friends at some gathering. Which would you rather be, one who's taken advantage of, or one who takes advantage of others? Ever the selfless doormat -- OK lah, that's a gross exaggeration -- I'm pretty much a sucker for people I consider friends, never mind if the feeling isn't quite mutual. I gave up on 'mutual' sometime back.

Planned and Organised or Surprise Surprise: Surprise surprise. For the most part I'm the impromptu kind of guy, I don't like things to be too structured. I'm pretty much open to anything. But don't mistake this for sloppiness though, as you'll be surprised at the meticulousness I can be with formatting and font sizes and margins and text whenever I do any written report or essay etc.

* * *

This one's a real task they gave to the contestants in Indian leg of this season's Race: Launder Money or Launder Clothes. The former involved stapling rupee notes to the newlyweds at a traditional Indian wedding, while the latter involved using a traditional charcoal iron to press 20 pieces of clothing.

This one cracked me up because anyone who knows me well enough about my current attitude to wearing and necessarily ironing shirts every day to work, knows that I hate ironing with a passion. That, or I'm a total idiot at it. (I forgot which came first) I think it takes me an hour to iron three shirts, and they'd sometimes all look crumpled anyway in the end (my boss likes to rib me about it sometimes even -- but that's another story). I'd take Launder money without a second thought.

All right, that's a whole lot for my biographers. You guys should have figured me out by now. Did you guess what I'd be choosing? 50% chance anyway.:) Sometimes I'm paranoid about the stuff and the junk that people know about me. My housemate and senior Ferron, for example, has been reading my blog for the longest time, and has a surprisingly good memory, and so he can correct me and quote me whenever I forget things, or well, sugarcoat things of the past which I so happen to forget.:) Especially about those first few years in Singapore and NUS.

Ahhh... people who know me. What can I say. Keep the juicy stuff you know to yourselves. Hehe not that there's much to tell anyway. Help me figure myself out before I forget to do so.

* * *

Ahh December. Can't quite feel the Christmas spirit if the weather's like this. I wake up with a sweat, that's how stuffy it is at night. But yey, the calendar can't be lying, and it tells me that I'll be home in less than three weeks. Mmmm Singapore, you know I love you, but you know as well as I do that I need a break.:)

I'm pretty sad that my class reunion (Great Gashong Get-together, or GGG) might not materialize after all, due to poor response. Many of my classmates in High School were regional scholars who were from all over Mindanao, not only Davao. Oh well, there's gonna be a drinking session of some sort for those who are there, and heyyyy of course the whole batch reunion must still be on OK. *crosses fingers*

If you know me well enough, I'm all about family and friends. I love my friends who still ask about me, when I'll be back, how I'm doing in general, and who just like to message me for "nothing really" catch-up chitchats. I wish I could return the favor more obviously. Haha sometimes I'm not so demonstrative. As for family, haha it's a given I miss you loads.

* * *

OK, this wasn't meant to be a last blog entry/ last hurrah/ last jab thingy before I die. It's a toe surgery, Jose. Get over it. Hopefully I'll be back to blog again tonight and tomorrow, with all my appendages and digits still happily intact.

Have a nice day, friends.

Good intentions

I was about to title this post "Stream of consciousness", but I realize I've already used that in a two-year-old post. Ever easily distracted, I read through it, and it amuses me that some things never quite change.

I'm finding it hard to accept criticism, and that's a fault I need to fix. It's a qualified sort of statement, actually, as there are just a few buttons I don't like being pushed. Push them even half-jokingly, and I'll feel bad. It's not a conscious thing; it just happens. Anyway, it's no big deal, really, but expect me to be "off" for a while.

I remember my high school academic archnemesis Steph (and secretly one of my favorite persons all in the platonic space) saying I'm fun to annoy, you just need to know which buttons to push. Haha touché. It's true, I think. Some buttons you can push over and over again, and I wouldn't mind at all. Lol you can call me PFY (thanks or no thanks to you Clint ex-birthday boy), and I wouldn't care so much. Oh, what irks me is if you accuse me of something I sincerely know in my heart is untrue (bias notwithstanding). That will set me off.

What's the difference between 22 and 20? Joseph v.2006 and Joseph v.2008? Same same but different. But same same. Kulit.

What I think the current Joseph v.2008 has figured out (or is finally aware of, thank heavens), is that he's more a critic-er (i.e. critic) than critic-ee. That's not a very good thing, but I guess it shows, I think I'm a better editor than a writer. I'm working on the receiving end bit.

Hmm then again, aren't we all? For all of us, I think it's so much easier to fault others than admit to our own faults. Haha Joseph, remember two things: You are special; you are not special.


* * *

The thing about being critical, is that I apply it across the board. If I'm critical of others, oh you can imagine how critical I am of myself. When it gets too much, I quote my Be-Good-to-Self policy, and it's fine again.

* * *

I've been itching to blog every day since last week, but whoa was it one long week at the office! For starters, Ferron's prophecy came true, finally, that in the course of my stay at the Deep Blue Sea, I'd go home at 10:30pm. We were preparing this report as a team, and just had to finish that section, so we all left at 10:20pm. At least there was free dinner, and I had my Benz taxi ride home reimbursed.

Finally yesterday we submitted a good draft of our report, and it's bound to cause some stir. I'm half-fearful and half-praying the numbers I crunched are correct, the online system which I cross-checked and helped develop, churned out the right numbers, as the worst thing would be for the affected parties to dispute the numbers-based claims in the report, and it would point to me.

But nah, my M-O boss and my Hairy Monster boss are particularly careful, especially in a report that's quite a loaded gun.

* * *

The report got me thinking about three things: good intentions, integrity, and the CYA principle. I feel utmost sympathy for people who do things with the best and purest of intentions, but unfortunately that can only lead so far. And sometimes we just have to make the tough call of policing, as part of keeping integrity. And the CYA, i.e. Cover-Your-Ass principle, is all-encompassing: for the do-gooders, for the do-badders, for the good-intentioned do-badders, even for the police.

Of the three things, if I had to choose one, I'd choose good intentions. It may get me in trouble, or at least I'd rub people the wrong way thanks to my poor judgment or my lack of tact or the fact that I'm slightly overcritical, or maybe it won't cause me trouble at all, but that's how the Joseph I know currently thinks. My image as Resident Evil may counter this point, and, well, I can't refute that. Haha.

And yes, I'm aware that the road to hell is paved with good intentions, as they say. See you there, suckers. (I just had to say that.)

* * *

Further proof that Joseph v.2008 is essentially same as Joseph v.2006 or heck, Joseph v.1986: I still delight in my simple things. Haha, like cheese, mango, and bacon. Like small smile, small talk, old friends. Like unexpected favorite song playing on radio or mp3 player. Like boss-given free Starbucks mocha frap and self-paid $10 bacon melt sandwich. Haha. But my real point is this, below. I opened the file one morning and it made me smile. Haha.

Yes, consistent with my grade school and high school image, fine I'm still a geek. Haha.

Mmmm Saturday! Long day today, let's go.

Early edition

5:08AM. Strangely enough, I find early mornings good times to blog. I woke up at 3:30AM, and after a round of Facebooking and YouTubing, I still don't feel like sleeping, so I might as well.. Can't say I'm not sleepy though. ('Sleepy' != 'feel like sleeping' I think)

Hmmm makes me wonder if I'm really that anxious that my VP (aka my boss of sorts) is coming back today after his two-week reservist training (something Singaporean men have to do yearly I think), and I haven't completed the self-imposed stuff I planned to clear. 'Self-imposed' is the operative word. Jose you look for trouble when there isn't any. Haha can't think now who the first person to tell me that was. 

Anyway my colleagues playfully messed around with my VP's desk on Friday in preparation for his return today -- hid his water jug, dumped jars of pineapple tarts and other sweets on his desk, opened some of his investment books and placed it on his chair, under his opened umbrella, etc -- so I can't wait to see his reaction when he arrives later. 

See the veep is this perfectionist guy who likes everything nice and tidy and perfect. That is of course, when he's not playing cheeky or joking around. He's quite the OC type, such that in the height of the movie Wall-E, he was branded the 'foreign contaminant robot' (what's his name again? Wiki says it's M-O, for Microbe Obliterator -- thanks!). M-O is this maintenance robot that compulsively cleans out any filth in its path, and is annoyed by the impossibly dirty Wall-E. My veep is super cool la, I like. 

Oh, and they call me Wall-E in the office -- not cos I'm filthy of course -- but because I eat anything they give me, especially the unconsumables ("if nobody else wants, i'll just throw cos i'm full already" kind) from lunch. My boss says his KPI is to fatten me up and double my size, and I've been doing my best to help him achieve that.:)  So all the extra mooncakes and potato chips and Oreo cookies and ultra creamy apple pie(!) that nobody could consume all go to me. Waste not right? It helps too that I'm the sort who would eat anything on a dare, and have no qualms eating new food like fish eye (vitreous part and all) and Starbucks chai tea, just for the heck of it. Haha.

Anyway M-O and Wall-E have an interesting dynamic in the movie, hopefully the photo below won't be happening in any form later today!

Haha I love it how M-O's eyes are like slits like my VP's. Chinese Singaporean lah. 

* * * 

In other news, my ingrown nail is still alive and well, and continuing to torture me every day. Less and less over the weeks though, but it's still there, bleeding and pussing (new word anyone?). Why I don't go for surgery I'm not sure actually, when I could charge it to the Deep Blue Sea anyway, but I'm guessing I'm still in denial. I think I'm perfectly fine -- so what's the point in surgery right? I thought it was a cool thing for my Dad to not opt for surgery when he had his ingrown nail before, cos he has a thing for blood, but when I heard he had to bear with it for a year(!), suddenly I had second thoughts about what to do with mine. One of my housemates Ferron thinks I enjoy the pain, which may be partly true. (no surprise there, right?) ;P My pharmacist friend Huixian scolds me everytime I tell her I still haven't gone to the doctor, and almost everyone else thinks I should go too.

But hey, I went for clubbing with my ingrown nail okay -- twice! That either means I have a high tolerance for pain, or I'm just plain stupid. Or both. Haha though I highly suspect it's just my thing with alcohol (aka the joy that alcohol brings), and my belief in clubbing therapy. 

In any case, to calm my friends and family, ingrown nail is under control. I'm limping less now. Haha.

* * *

I've been willing myself to get into the groove of this 'time for a fresh start' thing, but procrastination (or busyness, or laziness, or some other variant) always gets the better of me. Whatever I mean by 'fresh start' I'm not sure myself, but it's a good thing. I thought September was the month, but now maybe October is. Actually I thought graduation was it. Haha. Anyway I'd like to think I'm changing for the better every day. (I think the housemates are gonna laugh when they read this -- they call me Resident Evil. Lol) So, really, this starting afresh thing I've put in place and activated a long time ago and is currently doing perfectly fine. 

* * *

Some shout-outs. It was nice meeting you again, Ms Abercrombie & Fitch, over lunch at the airport on Saturday! Wow it's been a while and woohooo didn't that feel like The Amazing Race running to the to catch your connecting flight? I could hear the AR theme in my head, really. To DJ Gomez, hope you had a good overnight stay here in SG? Haha I apologise for the dead phone thing, and the fact that we just played DotA on the Saturday night you were here, but that's what you wanted too right? Hehe you even suggested it! :) Oh and I'm happy for you and your your girl(y). Haha! To Devil Jin the new forensics guy, thanks for choping the free drinks and inviting us to Zouk last Friday. Shiok! And to True Friend Rockman, thanks in advance for the more free drinks on Saturday! Haha.

* * *

You know it's late early morning already (i.e. past six am), when the uncles and aunties, in their jogging pants and rubber shoes, appear on the court downstairs for their daily tai-chi sessions. Maybe I'll stalk them from my fifth-floor window and join them for their morning exercise? Erm, maybe not, though I must say it's admirable what they're doing. 

Mmmm good morning Singapore. Wall-E's off to nap. 6:34AM!

Conversations with Myself

Ah, it's been a while. 

Considering it's been three months(!) since my last post -- where I shamelessly claimed to be "back" and implied it to be the first of a series -- and that post was about one month after the previous,  if this trend continues then perhaps the next entry will be right about five months from now. Just nice. 

I was thinking of closing down the blog, even, as maybe things just have to come to an end. If you look at that 'Archives' count on the left hand side, numbers have been steadily decreasing, business has been bad over the four five(!) years of existence of this blog:

Haha. 10 posts and it's the end of September already! Time to close shop? File for bankruptcy ala Lehman Brothers to save my ass. Start afresh. That would be nice too.

* * *

Why I'm resuscicating resusiscating resuscitating (wow I haven't written for so long I can't even spell anymore!) the blog is simple actually: I realise I like to talk to myself. A lot. I even call myself "Jose" when I do that. Haha I remember this phase sometime last year, thanks to my English Literature class, when I had this incredible fascination with the notion of "othering of the self". As if the concept of "self" and "other" isn't fascinating by itself. :) Anyway for a few months I was referring to myself in the third person, even when I blogged. It was fun la -- cheap thrills.:)

I know, I know it's not the best idea to talk to self in public, so I try not to. But at work, in the stillness of cold airconditioned afternoons, I find myself suddenly just blurting, a little above a whisper, words to myself. Like, "Ano ba yan, Jose?", or "Come on think", or "Where'd you put it, Jose?" or "Galing mo ah." (Haha) Then I catch myself, look around if anybody heard me, and begin to wonder: how do people manage to keep very quiet while working? Really. 

* * *

And the work part. That's the big difference between the Joseph of late and the Joseph ten weeks back. What can I say, I think I'm lovin' it. Haha, really. Interesting things to learn, check. Use for my skills, both quantitative (mostly this!) and qualitative, check. Making use of too-academic-seeming degree (Statistics) to practical purpose (Risk/Credit/Finance), check. Pay OK, check. Fantastic team, check. What more could I ask for right? 

And it's the people too. Really, I think I hit the jackpot with my team. They're too jolly for a bunch of bankers. Haha. They're the type who play hard, but you know work hard too. My VP whose supervising me is an NUS Stats alumnus like me, and boy, he knows a lot of things, I'm impressed. He jokes and laughs half the time too, so I'm glad that after I semi-berate Jose for not matching the speed of the VP, I share a good reassuring laugh with him. Our boss is an Aussie chap, who has to be one of the most admired people I know (I'm a fan myself). He's the type who everyone loves, for his sense of humour, for his general vibe, but he's one tough cookie too. He is able to tackle all the issues head-on, has a thing for materiality and relevance and proactivity, and knows how to make sense of numbers and issues in a way that's understandable (his analogies are both illuminating and witty), and always reminds us of legacy and integrity. The rest of the team are terrific too. There's this warmth and laughter lah -- the kind I assume to be familiar to our Filipino culture -- but when it's crunchtime, they deliver.

I didn't think this was the right entry to post this, but since I've already rambled on above, here's me with my bosses:

Haha. Angmoh boss was told by my other VP to wear her pink scarf cos it was raining. 

* * *

OK, this entry has been incredibly long already, but I can't miss to greet a certain Reynaldo a happy happy birthday (sorry this is a few hours late). I tried to call a while ago, but you guys must be having dinner or something? I couldn't contact your phone and Kai's, so hopefully you just ran out of battery. That, or maybe the family was having dinner at some ulu place with no signal. Haha. 

Happy 62nd Dad.:)  All my good vibrations go out to you and the family. Doesn't look like the best of times for the family and the business, as you've told me over the phone the other day, but I'm glad you're holding up incredibly well. Trust my Dad to stay cool amid external pressures -- keep optimistic, be proactive, that's what he says. I try to do that too -- with less successful results (haha that's no secret). But I try OK, and that's a start. Another thing I got from my Dad is the zits, but that's another story. Hehe. 

 Trivia: Ma wore that same dress in my Grade School graduation in 1999, in my High School Graduation in 2003, and last July in my University graduation. Haha Ma is too cute. :)

Since I'm posting -- and since this is supposed to be the comeback blog post of sorts -- I might as well post a photo of the family, aka Joseph's Top 5:

* * *

Yep it's good to be back. And I think I'm back for good, too. Don't take my word for it, though. Haha! 

And we're back (Part 1)

Ahh.. it's good to be back. Not that I ever left, technically. But a six-week hiatus is quite a long time eh? I guess it's high time I fill you in on the events that happened since that (semi-panicky?) entry two days before my final exams.

Oh where do I start.

Maybe I'll digress a bit first and say that the reason I haven't been blogging is that I've been busy moving out (of school) and moving in (the Clementi house -- where a grand total of 7 people share the 3-bedroom flat -- and I have a single room!), and this seemingly neverending Research Assistant part-time job I've signed up for. It doesn't feel quite right that I blog while I have the task at hand; it's a nagging feeling I can't shake off. (Don't ask me why I had time to go [learn to] play Warcraft, finish almost two seasons of Lost, and head off downtown during weekends for jalan-jalan or laag in Bisaya. Haha.)

Anyway, for this part-time job, I've dutifully finished that chunk of the job that involved using the Bloomberg terminal, a gruelling task I've had to learn the hard way: downloading and cleaning and sorting and crunching of data, just so the R programs (which I wrote too) could read it. I finished this last Monday, so since then, I've been itching to blog. Why it's Thursday now, don't ask me.:) The other chunk of the job I'm still doing, but I have no deadline! Sigh, someone please give me a deadline. I need motivation!

What's my point again? That I couldn't have blogged before Monday. Brevity, Jose. Brevity.


* * *


OK. Here we go.

Last two final final exams were OK, though the Stats for Finance exam really had me very stressed. I don't think I've ever been as panicky as that for an exam -- at least based on my pre-exam puke count (my apologies, too much info). The last exam was the Longi exam, and I thought the Year Fours could have done a Stats whoosh or some celebratory yahoooo after the exam, but it turned out the exam was too short, too simple even for some. Haha my good friend Chang finished first, and I remember giving him a grin from my seat as he grinned back and waved goodbye through the glass panel of the door. And then everyone else soon left one by one! So much for my Stats whoosh! I couldn't finish earlier, but I did manage to let off a 'woohooo' in the hallway after the exam.:D So far, some of us stats kids have had two post-exam dinners... another one around graduation hopefully.:)

Oh yeah there were drinking sessions too. Haha. I think I drank (note: not 'got drunk' -- though the drinking buddies may think otherwise) for three nights straight with two groups of people, the Pinoy bridge gang at PGP and some choir kids at Kurien's sexy new condo at Novena. That was for the weekend, and I just hoped I was sober enough for Round 2 of my Deep Blue Sea interview that Monday!


* * *


Thankfully, the Deep Blue Sea interview was a breeze. I talked too much (not surprising), but then again, I think the interviewer asked too much too (quite surprising, but I didn't mind answering!). I'd even say it was fun; it just seemed like we were chitchatting. Heck, I even wanted to ask my (pretty) HR interviewer questions so it would really have qualified for a chitchat. (No malicious intentions la, it was just a fun interview)

I really like the company, and I was hoping they like me back.

And thankfully, that seems to be the case. I got a call two days later, informing me I'll soon be swimming in the Deep Blue Sea. I was half-asleep when she called too ("Hi Joseph... are you still sleeping?" "Err.. hello good morning Ms X!").

One application, and I got it. I'm still unsure whether I should be glad my success rate is 1/1 or 100%, because I didn't quite get the chance to try applying (I looked, for the record) for other companies. It would've been nice to try a few others no?

Interviews really make me nervous those few days and hours leading to the actual session, but I find I'm actually quite relaxed during the real thing. I daresay I even enjoy myself during some interviews, like these latest two.

I was telling Aaron and Matt some tips on their respective interviews. I told them about the 3 C's of How to Ace an Interview, which I've come up with: Charm, Confidence, and Crap. Seriously, I think those are all you need.;) I must clarify that 'Crap' here means the good crap (and smooth-talk crap too, I think!): know your stuff, know the company, know the position and the tasks, know yourself and how to substantiate your statements i.e. know your crap! Confidence is a must; how do you persuade people to believe in you if you don't yourself? Charm, well, it's the least technical, but you know, it has to be there, at least to some extent. I think the showbiz people call it the X factor, I like to call it charm.*wink* You know what I mean.


* * *


Okay, I think I've said too much crap for a day. Screw brevity, I'm crapping all this for myself. Haha. Blame the fingers, they're doing the typing. I'll crap more next time, and resume talking about the rest of the six weeks I've been MIA.

I think I'll do a bit of R programming again before I sleep too. Goodnight!

Last Two

The last's are always remarkable stuff -- and you don't even have to go the emo route to at least acknowledge their significance.

I was thinking that since I'm halfway done with my finals, and I have two remaining exams in two days, I really should be doing some counting down of sorts. And making these last two exams significant one way or another. The last exams of my university days! The last exams as an undergraduate ever!

And now that I'm pouring my brain cells and time and energy -- my all essentially -- into these last two exams, I thought I might as well make it a little more significant, by, erm, offering these efforts to some people (No, it's not as cheesy as it sounds.)

Anyway, let me just for the record say that I'm offering all this tremendously tedious hard work to My Favourite People -- you know who you are. Or not. Haha, you're probably reading this (or not), but if you at least remotely think of me and hope for a second that I'll survive these trying times (not only mentally but physically -- I've begun to throw up again!), then most probably you're one of them.

Or even if you don't even know I'm struggling now, but if you so happen to impact me that I'm just fond of you, even if it doesn't show (either me being fond of you, and you being likable, or both), haha this one's for you as well.

Actually, My Favourite People has probably the loosest membership schemes in the universe, and you know me and you don't hate me enough, and I know you and I smile my silly smile when I meet you, then that's it. Lol.

Of course The Family is a shoo-in in this group, and I please hope you pray for me, Dad, Ma, Kai, and the Lola's, like you always do, as I think I'm gonna need a good dose of divine intervention in the next couple of days. Apparently, like my good Stats buddy Chang, I believe in good vibrations being passed around as well.

Sometimes I feel bad that I remember to pray the hardest during times like these, as if I've become reward-oriented and desperate. Still, I believe in divine help, and I know and trust the Big Man will help me get through these exciting times.

Two days, two exams, let's go.

Free Cones, Cheap Thrills

So I finally got me my Me Time, when I least planned it.

It was Tuesday. There I was, leaning on the railing at some spot at the expansive view deck of Vivo City, my free Ben & Jerry's strawberry ice cream cone in hand (my bad flu notwithstanding), and before me were the breathtaking sights of the harbour and its randomly dispersed fleet of ships, and of the (real) deep blue sea (in contrast to the secret one I nicknamed as such) that shimmered in the early sunset, while the gentle evening breeze just nicely ruffled my hair.

My eyes wandered down to the floor below me, where two little angmoh (Caucasian) kids were playing in the small man-made pond of sorts. The little girl was standing precariously close to the edge where the tiles met the water, and she began to lie down on the tiles, while her even littler brother was walking around tracing the outline of the pond (I think pond is the wrong word.. but let's let it go OK). Soon, after a particularly enthusiastic round of tracing, the little boy fell on the ground -- face first -- stayed there for a second, stood up to find his sister staring and giggling, before he began to cry and run to his Mom, who was having coffee with a friend. The Mom said a few quick words and patted him, and soon he was back in the pond again, laughing as if nothing happened.

This time it was the sister who I was worried about. She was walking -- prancing, even -- on the edge again, and she had this carefree manner about her that I was worried she'd fall into the water and wet all her clothes. And true enough, she did step into the water, and I remember thinking, Oh this silly pair of kids, before realizing that the water of the "pond" was barely ankle-deep. Cheyyy. Now she looked like she was walking on water, prancing on water, even, and soon her brother joined the fun and did the walk-on-water trick as well. Looked cool, I would've joined them if only I wasn't at least four times their age. Hehe.

I accidentally dropped the colourful ice-cream-shaped promo flyer I was given while I queued ("Love... is giving" it said, among other things), to the floor below, and the little boy ran to get it. Little boy and little girl were looking at it and playing with it afterwards, though I wouldn't be surprised if they tired of it by the end of the day. Hehe. Those kids were incredibly cute.

A trio of girls were camwhoring to my left, sitting down on a mat, taking photo upon photo of their free B&J cones (it was the annual Free Cone Day, let me spell out the obvious), and a guy yuppie was to my right, enjoying his cone as well while looking out at sea.

Just nice. Joseph alone with his multiple selves, with a spectacular view before him, some adorable little kids too, and also around were some random people, who, although he didn't know or care for much, really, seemed to be in such pleasant spirits he can't help but feel the same. Yep, time to chill, relax, and rest after a week that consisted of exam revision, of a random insect bite that resulted in a bad case of rashes and an adrenaline shot up my left buttcheek, of fever and flu, and of course some good news (congrats to my sister Kai for enjoying her interview) and an all-night birthday celebration (happy birthday again Oliver!). But mostly it was exam season, and I had just completed the first exam earlier that afternoon (Stochastic Processes 2), with three more to go in a few days' time.

It was the perfect time to clear my head and relax.

As I was looking out at sea, licking my yummy strawberry ice cream, and taking in long deep breaths to relish this rare experience, the thought that came to mind was, What is the covariance of two standard Brownian motions B(s) and B(t)? How could you forget it's the minimum of s and t?

Oh, stochastic processes, look what you've done to me. I hope I did fairly decent for that exam, though, Brownian motion question notwithstanding. And another thing, for those doing statistics and maybe even maths, remember this trick: XY = X(X + (Y-X)). That may save your ass when you're asked for the covariance of two random variables, or Brownian motions even.

Zzzzz. Anyway, the ice cream was good stuff, and my mind wandered around for a good length of time that evening. I got myself a nice Esprit shirt on sale too, before getting myself a leisurely dinner for one at the food court, and before finally taking the bus back to NUS.

It was good to have a break. Sort of.

At times I do believe I am strong

... so someone tell me
why, why, why
do I, I, I
feel stupid?

Apparently, Matchbox Twenty's Mad Season is quite the anthem during this time of the season --- or any season for that matter. I can even pick a random line that's resonant to me one way or another. Dunno if that's a good thing.

Whether it's

You figured me out that, I'm lost and I'm hopeless

or

I feel stupid, but I know it won't last for long
And I've been guessing and I could have been guessing wrong

or

I feel stupid, but it's something that comes and goes
And I've been changing, I think it's funny how no one knows

or

I'm bleeding and broken, though I've never spoken
I come undone

Some pretty self-smacking stuff. But I dunno, call me weird, but I think it's good to lambaste yourself once in a while -- helps keep you grounded, gives you a reality check, and well, gives you a heads-up of how much you suck sometimes.

Then again,

Now I'm cryin', isn't that what you want?
I'm tryin' to live my life on my own -- but I won't

and

So, why ya gotta stand there looking like the answer now?
It seems to me you'll come around


suggest that maybe it's a call?

I need you now, do you think you can cope?

a direct cry for help, even?

So are you gonna stand there, are you gonna help me out?
We need to be together now.

Anyway, my favorite lines are still those that I wish were slightly more relevant.

I feel stupid, but I think I been catchin' on
I feel ugly, but I know I still turn you on


Whatever la, this is some sick warped version of Joseph blogging, don't take him seriously. He's whiney and emo and a doormat. Not as much fun as the real normal Joseph, who's supposedly engaged in tackling the complexities of financial time series as I type. One exam down, three more to go, and it's the end of the my University days.

Yeah, at times I do believe I am strong. Definitely. Invincible even.

Not today.

Lost

Firstly, I think there's something wrong with working in the Statistics lab at 4:31AM, and worse, for only a part-time research assistant job, and even worse, right smack during reading week, the week before the final exams. My final final exams too.

But that's that, I'm here, and while the two programs (R and Microsoft Access) are still running, processing millions of high-frequency observations to obtain a set of financial volatility series, I think I might as well blog. I'm sleepy already, despite the coffee from my $6(!!) breakfast set meal at NUH (hello Cedric, Paul, and Paul's invisible friend), but I plan to stay up and wrap this up, or at least feed the codes into the computer, before I go home, and come back to report to Dr Chen later at 10am.

Hopefully, too, this blog post won't suffer the fate of the rest of my unfinished entries, which are currently still set aside as drafts.


* * *

I LOST MY PHONE YESTERDAY. And it sucks. Major bummer, man.

It's sad, more than anything. I didn't realise how much I actually depended on it until it was gone. Don't it always seem to go, that you don't know what you got 'til it's gone? sings Joni Mitchell, or Janet Jackson, or the Counting Crows, depending on your music generation.

Seriously, my phone was my watch, my alarm clock, my mp3 player, my radio, my camera, my link to friends! Sigh. I was studying at the forum today with a few Filipino friends and I'm like, hmmm how long have I studied now... and then bam, no phone to tell me the time! I even went to part-time job at SELF 45 minutes early! Because I didn't know how to tell 15 minutes from 40 minutes.. so I thought I might as well play safe and not be late. Zzzz.


Oh, I sleep with my phone beside me, too, because the alarm doesn't wake me up otherwise. So Cedric suggested I better look for a girl instead to make up for the phone. Lol. Good point.

I lost it yesterday, on my way to Mass. I know for sure it was during the trip to Church la, 'cos I had my earphones on and listening to my favorite weekend radio show 987 Stripped, which plays stripped down acoustic tracks of popular tunes. I boarded two buses, and on each occasion I removed the earphones momentarily to chitchat with Brice (on Bus A2), and with Mega (on Bus 151). It wasn't until the Communion that I realised my pocket felt a bit lighter, and that's that.

I was jogging with Visayon at West Coast Park at around 11PM afterwards, and he said for a guy who's just lost his phone, I seem very calm. I guess that's what happens when you have A Series of Unfortunate Events, and you realise that whining so much is tiring and isn't much fun. I still whine la, but it's more subdued, and with a tinge of acceptance and resignation .


I don't remember who I said this too (yes still too many whining episodes!), but I said that for a change, I'll try whining to inanimate objects. Whining to people may do me a bit of good, but I'm not sure it does them any. At least inanimate objects don't complain. Maybe I'll whine to a tree sometime. Then again a tree is not inanimate -- or is it? (Time for Dictionary.com!) Whatever la.


So yeah, that's that. No phone. I went to the possible places I dropped it, even checked the Church vicinity, I called the bus terminal, no nothing. The phone is still ringing though, no one picking up -- which may be worse actually than if someone did.


But oh well, life's like that.



* * *


And the phone isn't the only thing I lost too. Sigh. Stupid boy la you, Jose.


I lost my keys some three weeks ago. Two keys specifically, hostel room key and the key I use for my part-time job here at SELF. I managed to survive the past few weeks though, thanks to some silly arrangements I had to take.


Hostel room key lost, that's not a big problem because I have a roommate. Thank God Derek likes to spend much of his time in the room, playing computer games all day (and he's a genius, so it doesn't hurt his grades!). What's just weird is that, I can't leave the room if he's not in (because I can't lock the door without the key), and so sometimes I force myself to leave the room when he does, even if it requires me to rush shower brush teeth wash face in 10minutes or less cos he has class.


SELF key is OK too, since I have three other fellow student assistants who have the same key. It's a little troublesome, but that's that.


* * *


I lost my organiser too. My nice sexy blue organiser, which I had for more than a year now, and whose pages I freshly replenished with those refills. Sigh. All my nice dynamic (read: flexible) schedules and deadlines are there too.


* * *


Lost the pencil box too, with my pens and highlighters and correction tape, stapler etc. Again, a bummer, but I can't say it came as a surprise.


* * *


I'm tempted to launch into a discourse on the spectrum of meanings of the word 'lost' and 'lose'. Consider "lose yourself" (is this a prerequisite to "finding yourself"? and what exactly do they mean anyway?), the mush in both "lost without you" and "lost in you", the wit in the Anger Management (2003) quote, "Temper's the one thing you can't get rid of by losing it," and of course, the word "loser", and the irony in the title of the TV show "The Biggest Loser", etc.


But anyway, I'm tired, and lazy, and don't really feel like talking crap too much.


* * *


It really is kind of dumb to lose so many things. The Devil (Jin) himself implied that this losing stuff is quite irresponsible for someone who's 22. I hate to admit it, but it's true.


Oh well, life's like that: we lose things all the time -- if only to remind us which are worth keeping, and which aren't.

Pagmumuni-muni

Ang di ko lang masyado gusto kapag nagtatagalog ako magsulat, ay 'yung nagmumukhang sobrang seryoso at medyo makaluma ang dating nung mga sinisulat ko. OK lang sana kung yun nga naman talaga ang gusto ko sabihin, di ba, pero hindi naman talaga. Gayunpaman matagal na rin akong hindi nakapagsulat nang ganito, so mabuting ngayon na lamang habang medyo trip ko pang mag-blog. Gagawin ko na ring medyo Taglish to, kasi medyo bihira na rin naman ang purong-purong Tagalog sa impormal na pagsusulat.

* * *

Hatinggabi kanina ang deadline nung project ko sa Financial Math. Ayoko na sanang magmura at mainis, at gusto ko namang isipin na ayun, successful naman ako sa pagcontrol ng aking sarili, pero ayun, napipikon pa rin ako. Kasi naman, di ko matapus-tapos yung proyekto na yun. 1156PM ko na nung isinubmite, at mga alas-otso ng gabi nung tinanong ko si Visayon (kasama ko sa Choir noon at kung kanino ako nagpapaturo ng Finance ngayon) tungkol dun sa natitirang tanong, nang narealize ko na, *pasok mura dito*, di ko yata 'to matatapos. Ayun, inunderestimate ko na naman yung uri ng tanong na yun, and ikli kasi, kumpara dun sa mga mahahabang mga tanong na OK naman yung mga results ko. Haaay naku.

Sabi ko nga kay Visayon, na umuwi pagkatapos ng aral namin sa may SoC, at kay Cedric, na nakasama kong magsupper sa Fong Seng pagkatapos, na punching bag na yata ang kailangan ko, kasi mukhang di na ata gumagana yung mga stressballs ko. Pwede ring manuntok na lang ako ng pader, pero medyo tanga naman yata yun. Yung kutsyon nga ng inupuan kong silya sinuntok ko nung papauwi nako, masakit din pala. Haha. Manipis lang din kasi yun OK.

Martial arts? San ko ba nabasa yun na iyong isang guy, dahil sa kanyang mga isyu sa pamilya nung bata pa sya, nilabas na lang nya lahat ng hinanakit sa Taekwondo, and ayun, maraming taon na ngayon nakalipas, at kickass blackbelter na sya, and nagtataekwondo na sya ngayon kasi enjoy na sya, di na syempre pamilya yung dahilan. Huli ko ata sumubok magtaekwondo nung Grade 3 pa ako eh -- alala ko yun kasi inarrow ako nung Master (yun ba tawag dun?) na makipagsparring dun sa TKD kid nyang anak. Ayun, di ko alam kung pinagtripan lang ako nun or minalas lang sobra, eh kasi ilang buwan pa lang ako nun, nangangapa pa, and yung anak nya halatang, TKD Master's Son. Anyway, I was lousy la, kahit san na lang sumuntok and sumipa, ayun, kicked him in the groin sa huli. Di sinasadya k, kahit naman Grade 3 ako, alam ko kung san dapat sumipa at san hindi. So there he was, grimacing in pain, while I profusely apologised after the necessary bows etc. Tingin ko nakalimutan na nya yun ngayon, more than ten years na rin eh, pero ewan, ano nga ba punto ko, ah, natraumatize ako nun, kasi ewan, minsan nagegets na lang din ng tao minsan kung para sa kanya ba ang ilang mga gawain o hindi. Alam ko naman na medyo lousy ang bodily coordination ko, kaya nga hindi sporty eh, kahit gusto ko.

Ang lakas ko pala sumipa nung bata pa ako, nung naglalaro kami ng kickball ("soccer" daw tawag namin dun.. pero parang baseball na sipa ang pantira) ng mga pinsan ko at kapitbahay. Sabi ko, baka pwede akong mag-soccer, especially pag dating ko sa Singapore, kasi Soccer country dito. Haha di pala, tinry namin nung orientation sa Kent Ridge Hall dati, grabe, ang hirap pala. Most of the time, pag di ka magaling o sanay o di aktibong nakukuha yung bola, magmumukha ka lang tanga tatakbo-takbo pabalik-balik. Haha. So yep not sporty, thank you. Erm pasayawin mo na lang ako, pwede pa. Hehe. Clubbing lang, wag yung may specific steps k. Haha.

* * *

Nagdidigress na naman ako. Mas mabuti na rin siguro yun, kasi magrarant na lang din naman ako as usual, about my screwed up priorities, gaya for example kung pano tumutok ako dun sa final copy ng thesis ko, eh 5% lang naman yung final draft! Nagskip pa ako nung Stats for Finance class ko, which is the worst module to skip kasi andaming natututunan. Kung pano may dalawa akong part-time jobs, at isa pa lamang ang inapplyan na full-time job. Kung pano ako nag-aaksaya ng oras, kung kailan pa andaming trabahong kailangan gawin, gaya na lamang nung Financial Math project na yan. Birthday celebration pala ni Jayson nung isang gabi sa Lau Pa Sat, at ang sarap ng Jolly-V. Lasang-lasang Jollibee nga, lalo na yung spaghetti! Yung chicken malapit na! :) Hindi syempre yun kasali sa "waste of time" na tinutukoy ko, kasi friends time yun la, and naipangako ko na sa kanya na I will make time syempre. Anyway, eto, tadtad na naman ng deadlines this week: Programming tutorial sa Tuesday, programming for part-time work #2 sa Wednesday, ang dakilang Deep Blue Sea thing sa Thursday (hmmm pwede bang gamitin ang "panayam" as Tagalog ng "interview" dito?), at isang test sa Friday.

Grabe, sabi ko nga, minsan nagtataka ako ba't buhay pa ako ngayon. OK, medyo kailangan icontextualize yan. "Die" kasi is a common expression ng mga Singaporeans dito, at pag sobrang hirap o stressful ng mga gawain, "dying" ang ginagamit pantukoy nun. Again, punto ko (ang sabog ko pala magsulat, especially pag Tagalog), is eto: nagpapasalamat ako sa kung anuman yun that keeps me going. Alam mo yun, kung bakit nakakagising pa rin ako sa umaga, kahit puyat, kahit pagod, at patuloy pa rin. Kahit disastrous ang lahat ng mga midterm tests ngayong semester (nope hindi to exaggeration), patuloy lang. Padayun lang gihapun.

Sabi nga ni Dad, no pressure, wag ko raw isipin kung ano mang expectation nila or ng kung sino man sa akin, apparently yan ang nangyayari pag meron kang medyo brilliant "academic past", and a lousy academic present. Sabi ko naman kay Dad, OK lang, alam ko namang OK ako sa kanila no matter what, basta lang ba ibigay ko ung best ko, and di naman talaga ako napepressure nun. Ako lang talaga, siguro, nagpepressure sasarili ko. Nah, tumigil nako hoping and expecting for flying colors, kasi alam kong sobrang rigorous ng sistema dito sa Singapore, sobrang competitive especially sa Statistics and Mathematics departments, kaya sufficiently high grades OK na sa akin. Pero ewan, sa lagay ng panahon ngayon, medyo less than mediocre pa nga ang nangyayari. Gising na kasi, Jose. Wag na tatamad-tamad, tapos magrereklamo ka lang din pag papalapit na yung deadline.

And prioritize. Prioritize kung ano ang dapat gawin, anong uunahin among them, at i-allocate ang oras nang mabuti. Haaay nakow, sana kasi OK na yung Deep Blue, at para mabawasan naman ng isa ang mga iniintindi ko.

Hirap gumawa ng hindi emo na blog entry no. Hmm. What can I say, ganun talaga. Sige, ciao.

Let the truth sting

Let it sting. Feel the numbness and pain for a while; that's the only way to heal.

I hated having to lie to M thrice about the Deep Blue Sea thing. Sorry man, I hope you understand. But it was the timing, I couldn't tell you sooner. I dunno, it's this sticky situation where I was torn between telling the truth and cushioning the blow while factoring in the circumstances during the time. Anyway, I told the truth finally, and although I think he's still slightly bothered about it (i.e. the truth still stings), my conscience is clear now, and it's all gonna be fine for everyone.

* * *

One of the perks having to address myself in the third person is that I can berate myself (or him) without feeling too self-deprecating. Whatever, right. That sentence didn't even seem to make sense. Maybe the real reason is that it allows me a perspective that's detached and objective, never mind if there's a bit of denial there. In any case, sometimes things just work better, get thrust in one's head better if he heard it from someone else. (Self-denial is a funny thing.)

* * *

That said, allow me a moment to scold Joseph. I won't go into details, but he deserves it, really, for being a lazy, uninspired student who wastes time on Facebook and Blogger and Gmail when he should be studying for his Financial Math test tomorrow; for being a lousy friend to those who seem to value him; for being stubborn and insistent when really, it may be time to accept things he can't quite change; for being an evil nasty snob, who whines when other people give him the same treatment; for losing his work ethic, his drive, at this point in the academic game: with 40 days and nights left before the end of almost two-decades-long academic stint. Whatever happened to jobhunting, Jose? You can't count on only the Deep Blue Sea you know. Sure Deep Blue Sea might be it, but Plan B eh? Yes yes you're bogged down by your test and presentation tomorrow, and that other part-time job and projects and your HYP final draft yada yada, but just shut up, and reevaluate the priorities of the moment.

OK, now that you've wasted enough time blogging, go mug for your test tomorrow, and kick ass. You haven't been kicking much ass for a while now, it's about time.

* * *

I still think it's weird that I only blog when I'm busy and in need of an outlet to whine to. Maybe I should clarify that I only complete a blog entry when I'm busy. The drafts will just have to wait a while before they get posted up. Maybe in a week's time?

* * *

I was going through some John Mayer and Cynthia Alexander music lately, and I hope to find a moment, where I can just embed myself in their songs. I think it was Muriel who said in her blog (To Moooriel: Hey hello sa'yo! Stay happy k! I'm still stalking you.) that she finds Corrinne Bailey Rae's Put Your Records On the perfect song, when she's in the bus and looking out the window. Haha, I can totally imagine. I think it was Karen's feel-good song for a while too, though I think John Mayer's Wheel has been ringing in her head the past few weeks.

Now my John Mayer song of the moment is actually Clarity, and he said that it was really about finding this one moment, one moment of having not a care in the world, just enjoying that point in space and time, one moment of being free. But that moment is precious too, and he sings, By the time I recognize this moment/ this moment will be gone/ but I will bend the light / pretend that it somehow lingered on. Hope we all find that moment too, many of it if possible.

The other JM song is Split Screen Sadness, and although I'm not sure I correctly figured out what the title explicitly means in the song, especially the "split screen" part, let's just say it's a powerful heartfelt song well done -- not cheesy, not too emo I think. Maybe it's my bias for violins. Haha. Listen to it here.

The Cynthia Alexander songs I'll discuss another day; they deserve a separate entry.:)

* * *

OK dinner time then it's Financial Maths all the way. Wooohoo. Help me Lord, kay gikapuy na ko.:)

All HYPed up

Okay, I shouldn't be blogging, and yes yes this is the absolute worst time to blog, but with my heart pumping like mad, the blood flowing through my caffeine (no typo there), I think I should distract myself yet a 1002nd time and post something.

HYP presentation later, 1600hours. That's the Honours Year Project, or Honours Thesis, which took me two semesters to make, and which is given 24 modular credits, or 3 modules/subjects combined.

45minutes of talking to the audience, who'll mostly consist of my supervisor, my examiner, and a bunch of fellow statistics final year kids, and my unofficial supervisor Gelo of course. Haha I owe you a lot man, seriously. My sincerest gratitude for your help and patience. And another 45 minutes for an interview. A small intimate interview consisting of me and my supervisor and examiner.

My hands and fingers are shaking from too much coffee now, and my slides are still short of being fully completed. I still have to iron a shirt (shall I wear the gray one I wore for the first presentation of project progress, or shall I wear the striped pinkish purplish one?), and I can't even for the life of me iron these shirts perfectly! Even after one hour of trying and trying. (I miss you Ma! Kai does kickass ironing too, come to think of it!)

Anyway notes to self: Finish the slides by 1230AM. Head off to the statistics lab where the presentation is to take place, and start yakking by 1AM. Speak slowly, like Dad says. Don't hold anything, I know from experience I shake. A lot. Calm down, breathe, relax. Like I tell myself, this whole public speaking business is an unconsciously acquired skill -- and after speaking in class, in choir, in The Ridge, in random meetings, and even back in grade school and high school, dammit I should be OK now. Never mind if it wasn't an art I really mastered. But hmmmm actually I won in some oratorical contests in grade school (got eliminated early in some too lol)! Haha that should count for something?

Notes to self. Chill. Like Chang says. Yan Ru and Matt seemed to do okay in their presentations and practices, so just relax Jose. Admit that there were serious typos in your paper. Yes yes, they already know by now it was a rushed job, but that's that. They're statistics professors, so they know better than to judge for typos. They will evaluate your paper based on statistical analysis and discussion more than anything else.

Don't worry about Dr L. He's a nice chap, really, so don't think that he's coming back to haunt you after you whined about his other module two years ago -- whined to the Stats department bigwigs too at that. He's brilliant really, I'm in awe of him. And with his big booming voice in lectures, I can't help but be a bit intimidated. He won't fry you, even if he knows the material you're discussing only too well.

Dr C my supervisor is on your side. Seriously. Keep thinking that. Even if you were blindsided and felt you didn't deserve the B- in her module last semester, it's okay. She's on your side. She won't fry you. She'll douse the fire even should Dr L decide to do the frying.

Okay okay, think positive. Nobody's getting fried. If anything, it's the HYP presentation I'm gonna fry till it's well done. Well done. Kick ass. I've always been anal and nitpicky when it comes to presentations and articles etc -- that HYP paper I submitted three weeks ago was well, a major hiccup because I didn't have time -- so this is gonna go down smoothly. Smooth and easy baby.

It comes down to this. The biggest project I've done as a Statistics major. 40% of 12 modular credits will be completed tomorrow -- and that's actually more than one module. In an hour and a half. Help me Lord.

Let's do this baby. Bring it on. 16 hours and 5 minutes and counting.

Oh, and happy Easter everyone!

Wistful Thinking

Final year in the University is really something eh? I don't know if it's the same thing for everyone, but this final semester has really pushed me to the edge. Amidst the mountain of school tasks I had to clear, I found myself tempted to raise my hands in resignation and quit; and that's something -- the Joseph I know never quits.

(For the record, Joseph being Joseph, he didn't quit eventually. That midterm test he threatened to throw, he actually screwed up anyway. That sucked, of course, but at least he can still say he tried his best.)

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Incidentally, that test was for Stochastic Processes 2. For the uninitiated, allow me to introduce you to it. I have this theory that it is summed in this sentence, as phrased by my lecturer: Given the present, the past is of no significance to the future. That involves conditional probabilities actually, which I won't discuss. The process has this interesting "memoryless" property.

I'm inclined to consider that, actually, life as we know it, may be a stochastic process. Given the present, the past is of no significance to the future. Memoryless, perhaps? Because, really, isn't the now what's really important, and okay, maybe we can look back to the past and indulge in sweet remembrance, but does the future depend on it?

This leads to another question: what is now? Is today now? Isn't yesterday still too close to the present, and may still be within the now range? I'm tempted to throw in the theory of optimal bandwidth selection in my Nonparametric Statistics module, but I won't. Hehe.

Bottom line is, I think it is possible that life may be a stochastic process. And that's when Joseph turns slightly emo. Because Joseph's now as he knows it, is going to take a different turn soon, and he isn't quite ready to let go of it just yet.

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Maybe it's the cold weather (my perennial excuse), or the weight of the schoolwork before me, or maybe it's just the final year thing, that's making me feel slightly funny. Wistful is too emo a word, but I guess that's the closest I could find. It's the jobhunt thing, and how I never quite got it going because of school stuff. It's the places thing -- I get attached to places. Like the Central Forum, where I am now, where I've done several all-nighters with several different people. My secret study places, the libraries, my classrooms and lecture theatres, my meeting rooms, my bedrooms, four of them spanning four residences in five years, and even the places I've at least left my slipper-marks on.

And don't get me started on the people. I'm a sucker for friendships. I'm easy that way. Whether you hate me or you don't care, I'm gonna miss you when I'm gone. You like, I like, come I'll be a fantastic friend. And yeah, of course you'll miss me when I'm gone. Haha.

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Memoryless. I never liked the word in our class. But it's true, for the most part. Everyone's bound to forget, eventually. We can only hold on for so long, till we get tired and lazy and busy to remember and run out of things in common and things to say, and ultimately, we forget.

And then the now of today becomes the past, which, if the theory of stochastic processes is to be believed, eventually becomes irrelevant.

So while the now is here, I'm going to try make the most of it. It's sad I can't quite do as much as I could, thanks to the tasks still at hand, trust that I'm doing my best. Sayang lang, I wish I'd this and that earlier -- but that's the irrelevant past now.

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One last question: why do my posts always end up taking an emo turn? Haha maybe I shouldn't be too transparent, and at 2:27AM, maybe it's time to leave the Central Forum and have a good night's rest. Good morning blogosphere, and good night.

Back to blogging

Three months. How I managed not to blog for three full months I have no idea. But it happened, and that's that. For the record, I scribbled something of a blog entry aboard the plane on my December 31 flight back to Singapore, but I didn't quite manage to post it. Hmm I don't even know where that sheet of paper is. Hehe.

Anyway, it's been more than three months since that 'SOS' entry posted end of November. Three months with some eventful stuff going on too: (originally in this space was a single paragraph, but it got too long and so I'm bulleting the list instead haha. Pardon the self-indulgence)

* the exams and how they made feel good and bad but mostly exhausted;
* the honours thesis rush before my flight back to Davao;
* the unexpected and free and incredibly enjoyable overnight holiday in Cebu (courtesy of Cebu Pacific's plane and baggage delays) with a cool gang of Pinoy DHs -- and where I got drunk too, but that's another story (Mercia I actualy miss you!). For a while we passed by this building/sports hall/auditorium in Mandaue, which I distinctly remember visiting during my National Schools Press Conference trip in 2003... ahhh memories. And oh, there was the thrill of thinking we were almost kidnapped. lol.
* of course the precious Davao experience la -- friends family cousins dad ma kai lolas high school reunions, and Christmas -- everything I needed and missed after one full year in Singapore;
* the trip back to Singapore near midnight of New Year's;
* the resumption of classes and the thesis panic for first oral presentation;
* the Switchfoot concert and the madness surrounding it (who to come with me, how to get tickets, and of course the classic "I don't know if this means sh*t to you Joseph, but..." line I won't quite ever forget, and writing the review too, for the online version of the ridge, which was linked by a Switchfoot fansite and called "professional review" haha;
* that email that totally stunned me, but yey subsequent exchanges suggest everything's OK :) one word: detangled! :D
* the Chinese New Year/birthday celebrations (and lack of it, and the making up for it hehe), thanks to Iris and HZ (and the rest of the choir kids!) for the Wii party for CNY, for fellow February babies Robs and Kirsten, and the Clementi housemates for the triple birthday thingy, and the Pinoys and their special others who came (despite erm.. semi-food- shortage!) and of course Hayati and Joanne for the movie treat and the NYDC cake!
* the exciting times at the ridge -- though not very fun, cos it's the 'exciting' of the negative sort. hope the new editorial team settles this soon k.
the ongoing final semester schoolwork etc argh
* and the accomplishment of having submitted my thesis (or Honours Year Project as I've called it in previous entries) finally last Monday, after countless sleepless nights and days that were both mind-numbing and ego-crushing; and the Stochastic Processes midterm test I screwed up today because I was too busy doing the thesis during the study break.

As if I haven't rambled on yet, there are a lot more I wish to say, really. (Imagine being shut up for three months!) But those stuff aren't really my stuff la. Haha. I just want to mention how much I wish I could have sung for the NUS Choir's Varsity Voices concert (first time in four years I didn't sing! But I was helping out at Front-of-House this time), how I wish I could have been more active in the Filipino performance for the International Students Night and related activities (really, really, just busy, unfortunately), and I don't know, how I wish I did more writing than editing for the ridge (I miss writing already), how I wish I could have spent more time with people, especially that I'm leaving NUS very soon, how I wish I did this and did that etc. when I had the time, when I wasn't so bogged down by final year stuff, when I didn't create such a bad reputation for myself.

Anyway, this isn't supposed to be a ranty or whiney entry, nor did I intend it to be wistful and melancholic. But that's that. Maybe that's just Joseph for you, that's how Joseph has become of late. I can only sigh, and hope that those who matter and to whom I matter can connect the dots and figure me out. Emo la you Jose.

John Mayer's 'Daughters' is playing right now. And it's 4:30AM. Not the best time to play the song, and I think I'll switch to Depapepe instead.

And what do you know, it's time to sleep. Over an hour typing this post! I really write slowly, but hey, here's my first blog entry in three months!