Preferably one who gives massages too, so I can shake off this soreness or tingling or aching in my back. Among other things. Restless again aren't you, Mr Joe? Blogging out of the blue, and during office hours, too much of a giveaway? Hohoho.
Stop overthinking, get some sleep, run more, sweat more. Mama reminded me of what she calls my 24.5th birthday. Happy (half-)birthday, Mr Joe, even if you don't think it's really worth remembering. Haha. Come to think of it, really, why don't I just get to 25 if only to make this quarter-life crisis official? My friend Arthur notes that at the rate I'm going now, it might as well be mid-life crisis. Well touche my friend!
Sometimes it's hard to be positive. I try. Sometimes when I think I'm perfectly rational and invincible, there's always something to burst my bubble.
Nah, maybe this is just the muscle soreness due to badminton yesterday. Or maybe the insomnia. Or the tummyache possibly caused by oyster omelette. Nah, Mr Joe, contrary to your suspicions, you're not experiencing a slow onset of depression, you're just imagining things as usual. Meanwhile, life goes on.
I'm no Superman
Stupendous Man, more like it.
More of a six-year-old in a superhero costume. A six-year-old absolutely convinced he’s a superhero as much as he is believes he has an imaginary best friend of the tiger sort who talks to him. (For the record, I love Calvin & Hobbes – I even painstakingly created two blog templates some years back using the comic).
But what I want to vent out right now, actually, is that I’m not feeling very superhero right now. Superhero tasks yes, bring them on, I think I inadvertently muttered to the cosmos some months back. And here I am, absolutely overwhelmed by the things I have to do.
And it’s one thing to actually accomplish the tasks at hand, but it’s very well another thing to accomplish them correctly, and achieve the desired effect. Sometimes the desired effect never comes, despite best effort, and it just sucks like that. And when it sucks, Joseph being Joseph, he needs some time to overthink it and clear the emo stuff it unnecessarily entails, before moving on to saving the rest of the world.
Last week, a friend kindly helped me to have the zipper of a backpack fixed. I searched high and low in the neighbourhood around my house, but even the seamstress couldn’t fix it and I didn’t know where else to go. When my friend got back to me and said that everything was all right, I was so incredibly thankful that FINALLY something went right, FINALLY there was a piece of good news, even if it were just the backpack zipper.
I guess the few other pieces of good news I’ve conveniently tucked away into my blind side, so at the moment I am unable to appreciate them as much as I should.
In any case, I guess given the time constraints, I should remind myself to be rational amidst all these things, and not let the emo slow me down. There is a limit my body can do, yes, and in fact I am overworking myself and looking ten freaking years older than I should in the process, but.. what to do?
We can’t slow down yet, Mr Joseph, there are people to rescue from burning houses! Actually it’s your own house that’s burning, save yourself and whatever you hold precious! Have a temporary heart transplant, for now leave the real one in a glass box and implant a steel heart in its place. No time for feeling here, the house is burning!
Besides, the heart is a funny thing. Don’t go there. Over the past weeks I’ve come across real-life stories about the mysterious, maddening, messy ways that the heart can affect people and lives. You can’t solve it yourself, Mr Joseph. Drop your heart, take your vitamins, and go save babies from burning houses instead.
Good vibrations (or lack thereof)
446am and I'm up already! Never mind that I slept at 1230am and woke up at 2am, or that I slept again soon after. Well done, Mr Joe, after weeks of speculation, I confirm that you officially have a sleeping disorder.
There's quite a lot of things I want to say, actually, especially about the eventful month of April. Quite a ride that month was, oh my God. Seriously, that month just rocked my senses in mostly good, somewhat tiring, somewhat sleep-deprivation-resulting ways.
Anyway yesterday capped the good month of April, nung pumunta kami kasama ng mahigit sampung miyembro ng NUS Choir sa show (more of chill-out session sa rooftop actually) ng Budak Pantai sa YMCA Orchard. Medyo naiinis ako sa sarili ko kasi di ko mapigilan ang maging iritable kapag naaalala ko ang mga nangyari sa araw na di ko masyado gusto. Yung tipong, alam ng ulo kung ano yung dapat na reaksyon, kasi ayun, tapos na nga naman, kalimutan na, panahon na para magsaya, pero di lang maisagawa ng katawan, o ng damdamin. Grabe, kakapikon. Di kasi tama na may 'wet blanket' sa grupo, ayun, nakakairita na na di ko ma-kontrol ang sarili ko, mas nakakapikon pa na iyong ibang tao ay maaaring maapekto ko pa. And syanga naman, ang galing ng Budak Pantai (isang a cappella group na bukod sa sobrang galing kumanta, sobrang nakakatuwa pa mag-arrange ng mga kanta sa iba't ibang wika, sa paraang patok sa panlasa ng mga lokal), at kung nasa mas maayos na mood lang ako, siguro mas na-enjoy ko ang sarili ko.
Siyempre tinagalog ko pa 'no. Dalawang rason kasi: una, dahil gusto kong magreklamo about trabaho, at kung paano ako napipikon sa stress na dulot nito, di lang sa bigat at dami ng trabaho mismo (dahil sa kulang kami ng tauhan sa kasalukuyan, among other things), kundi sa pagiging mainitin ng ulo na rin ng aking pinuno (paano ba ito tinatranslate?). Naisip ko na kapag Tagalog ito, di mababasa ng mga kasama ko sa opisina, kung sakaling mapadpad man sila dito. Pangalawa naman, ay, ayun, ayoko ring ikalat ang di magandang mga "vibes" sa mga kaibigan kong banyaga na makakabasa nito, kung mababasa man nila. (Sa mga Pinoy na lang ikalat ano? Haha di naman) May ilang kaibigan ako na bahagi ng choir na alam kong mababasa ang post na ito, at ayoko nang mag-alala sila at idamay sa aking stress, kasi well, nagawa ko na naman yun kagabi, kung hindi halata sa itsura ko sa concert. So ayun, parang tama na yung drama for them, kasi sila yung nagkataon na binuhusan ko ng mga drama sa buhay lately. Lol drama sa buhay daw o!=) <- pampalitong smiley haha sana di makayanan ng Google Translate ang talatang ito
Pero ba't nga ba ako napipikon uli? Somehow parang naguluhan na rin ako sa dami ng sinabi ko at iniisip ko. Siguro dapat kasi sinasabi na lang, para mailabas na, and kaya naman siguro ako napadpad sa blog kong ito para magreklamo sa iyo, just like the good old emo days.=) Emo days nung hindi pa tinatawag na "emo".
OK bago ma-sidetrack: napipikon ako dahil sobrang laki ng ekspektasyon sa akin sa trabaho, at nitong huli, apat na mga bagay ang dapat kong kabisaduhin. Ang masama nito, eh parang pinapasa lang sa akin ang sisi, para bagang, dapat alam nung ibang tao, pero dahil di nya kabisado, ini-expect nyang kabisado ko para maipaliwanag ko sa kanya.
Gusto ko actually ang analogy ng isa kong kasama: ang aming partikular na proyekto ngayon ay parang sasakyan, kung saan ang mga bahagi ay gawa ng iba't ibang tao. Ako naman, isinama lang sa proyektong itong huling linggo, at pinagawa ng "gulong". Kailangan bang alam ko ang kung paano ginagawa ang buong sasakyan? Hindi mo naman siguro maieexpect sa akin na maintindihan ang buong makinarya at sistema ng sasakyan, di ba? Isang linggo lang ang binigay sa akin, at may apat na iba't ibang uri ng sasakyan (kotse, bapor, eroplano, kalesa(?!)) akong proyekto sabay-sabay, rasonable ba na kabisado ko ang buong makinarya nitong sasakyan na ito kung saan dapat salimpusa lang ako? Hindi di ba? Ang masasabi ko lang na nagawa ko, eh yung "gulong" -- at lahat ng gusto mong itanong sa akin tungkol dito, kaya kong ipaliwanag, at ayan, ang gulong ko ay siguradong matibay at maaasahan, at naaayon sa gustong ipagawa sa akin. I make kick-ass wheels, OK. Haha.
Dalawa pang bagay ang pinuputok ng dibdib ko at ayoko nang ipaliwanag masyado dahil napipikon lang ako. Una, dahil pakiramdam ko hindi ako masyado sineseryoso. Dahil ba sa bata ako kumpara sa iba? Dahil ba inassume ko na ang karakter na medyo kengkoy (not in a Jim Carrey sense and you would know kung kilala mo ako) pero yung tipong najojoke around, kaya pwede akong maliitin? Or di kaya medyo sensitive lang ako and moody and wala naman talagang problema? Pangalawa naman, eh, ayun, medyo iba naman. Di ko kasi magawang mangyari ang gusto ko matupad, lalo pa't involved dito ang ibang tao, na ultimately, wala naman akong control over. Pero ayun lang, simple lang naman ang gusto ko, ang mapasaya ang ibang tao gaya ng mga kaibigan ko, pero mahirap pala. Ganoon pala siguro talaga, di yata talaga ako si Superman, kahit ano mang subok ko, at kailangan lamang na bukas-pusong tanggapin ang mga bagay hindi ko kayang baguhin. Or baka makulit lang ako and madaling mainip. Baka kailangan lang ng panahon.
Ayan, isang oras na pala akong nagsusulat... good morning! Sikreto lang yung lahat nang nasa itaas. Haha.
There's quite a lot of things I want to say, actually, especially about the eventful month of April. Quite a ride that month was, oh my God. Seriously, that month just rocked my senses in mostly good, somewhat tiring, somewhat sleep-deprivation-resulting ways.
Anyway yesterday capped the good month of April, nung pumunta kami kasama ng mahigit sampung miyembro ng NUS Choir sa show (more of chill-out session sa rooftop actually) ng Budak Pantai sa YMCA Orchard. Medyo naiinis ako sa sarili ko kasi di ko mapigilan ang maging iritable kapag naaalala ko ang mga nangyari sa araw na di ko masyado gusto. Yung tipong, alam ng ulo kung ano yung dapat na reaksyon, kasi ayun, tapos na nga naman, kalimutan na, panahon na para magsaya, pero di lang maisagawa ng katawan, o ng damdamin. Grabe, kakapikon. Di kasi tama na may 'wet blanket' sa grupo, ayun, nakakairita na na di ko ma-kontrol ang sarili ko, mas nakakapikon pa na iyong ibang tao ay maaaring maapekto ko pa. And syanga naman, ang galing ng Budak Pantai (isang a cappella group na bukod sa sobrang galing kumanta, sobrang nakakatuwa pa mag-arrange ng mga kanta sa iba't ibang wika, sa paraang patok sa panlasa ng mga lokal), at kung nasa mas maayos na mood lang ako, siguro mas na-enjoy ko ang sarili ko.
Siyempre tinagalog ko pa 'no. Dalawang rason kasi: una, dahil gusto kong magreklamo about trabaho, at kung paano ako napipikon sa stress na dulot nito, di lang sa bigat at dami ng trabaho mismo (dahil sa kulang kami ng tauhan sa kasalukuyan, among other things), kundi sa pagiging mainitin ng ulo na rin ng aking pinuno (paano ba ito tinatranslate?). Naisip ko na kapag Tagalog ito, di mababasa ng mga kasama ko sa opisina, kung sakaling mapadpad man sila dito. Pangalawa naman, ay, ayun, ayoko ring ikalat ang di magandang mga "vibes" sa mga kaibigan kong banyaga na makakabasa nito, kung mababasa man nila. (Sa mga Pinoy na lang ikalat ano? Haha di naman) May ilang kaibigan ako na bahagi ng choir na alam kong mababasa ang post na ito, at ayoko nang mag-alala sila at idamay sa aking stress, kasi well, nagawa ko na naman yun kagabi, kung hindi halata sa itsura ko sa concert. So ayun, parang tama na yung drama for them, kasi sila yung nagkataon na binuhusan ko ng mga drama sa buhay lately. Lol drama sa buhay daw o!=) <- pampalitong smiley haha sana di makayanan ng Google Translate ang talatang ito
Pero ba't nga ba ako napipikon uli? Somehow parang naguluhan na rin ako sa dami ng sinabi ko at iniisip ko. Siguro dapat kasi sinasabi na lang, para mailabas na, and kaya naman siguro ako napadpad sa blog kong ito para magreklamo sa iyo, just like the good old emo days.=) Emo days nung hindi pa tinatawag na "emo".
OK bago ma-sidetrack: napipikon ako dahil sobrang laki ng ekspektasyon sa akin sa trabaho, at nitong huli, apat na mga bagay ang dapat kong kabisaduhin. Ang masama nito, eh parang pinapasa lang sa akin ang sisi, para bagang, dapat alam nung ibang tao, pero dahil di nya kabisado, ini-expect nyang kabisado ko para maipaliwanag ko sa kanya.
Gusto ko actually ang analogy ng isa kong kasama: ang aming partikular na proyekto ngayon ay parang sasakyan, kung saan ang mga bahagi ay gawa ng iba't ibang tao. Ako naman, isinama lang sa proyektong itong huling linggo, at pinagawa ng "gulong". Kailangan bang alam ko ang kung paano ginagawa ang buong sasakyan? Hindi mo naman siguro maieexpect sa akin na maintindihan ang buong makinarya at sistema ng sasakyan, di ba? Isang linggo lang ang binigay sa akin, at may apat na iba't ibang uri ng sasakyan (kotse, bapor, eroplano, kalesa(?!)) akong proyekto sabay-sabay, rasonable ba na kabisado ko ang buong makinarya nitong sasakyan na ito kung saan dapat salimpusa lang ako? Hindi di ba? Ang masasabi ko lang na nagawa ko, eh yung "gulong" -- at lahat ng gusto mong itanong sa akin tungkol dito, kaya kong ipaliwanag, at ayan, ang gulong ko ay siguradong matibay at maaasahan, at naaayon sa gustong ipagawa sa akin. I make kick-ass wheels, OK. Haha.
Dalawa pang bagay ang pinuputok ng dibdib ko at ayoko nang ipaliwanag masyado dahil napipikon lang ako. Una, dahil pakiramdam ko hindi ako masyado sineseryoso. Dahil ba sa bata ako kumpara sa iba? Dahil ba inassume ko na ang karakter na medyo kengkoy (not in a Jim Carrey sense and you would know kung kilala mo ako) pero yung tipong najojoke around, kaya pwede akong maliitin? Or di kaya medyo sensitive lang ako and moody and wala naman talagang problema? Pangalawa naman, eh, ayun, medyo iba naman. Di ko kasi magawang mangyari ang gusto ko matupad, lalo pa't involved dito ang ibang tao, na ultimately, wala naman akong control over. Pero ayun lang, simple lang naman ang gusto ko, ang mapasaya ang ibang tao gaya ng mga kaibigan ko, pero mahirap pala. Ganoon pala siguro talaga, di yata talaga ako si Superman, kahit ano mang subok ko, at kailangan lamang na bukas-pusong tanggapin ang mga bagay hindi ko kayang baguhin. Or baka makulit lang ako and madaling mainip. Baka kailangan lang ng panahon.
Ayan, isang oras na pala akong nagsusulat... good morning! Sikreto lang yung lahat nang nasa itaas. Haha.
Under the weather
There are good days, and then there are bad days.
Sometime ago I had a run of good days, and as with other good days – when they’re good, they’re very good. In fact, I was too high on these series of surprisingly good days that I posted on my Facebook status message the other day that “someday, I’ll look back on these past days, weeks, and even months with incredible fondness.” I meant it too.
No sooner than I had posted that apparently something happened. Nothing mystical, it’s just that apparently that was the cue for the end of my lucky streak. I don’t know – maybe all this is just a product of an active imagination. But my feelings can’t lie, can they? And today I feel under the weather and in over my head. Out of sorts and indisposed. (Haha I love how there could be a host of prepositions in those past two sentences but I digress)
Aiyoh. I feel a certain restlessness, an inconvenient discomfort, a tingling annoyance, although perhaps irrational, perhaps unwarranted. Sigh. Why do I feel so funny? Maybe I’m just overwhelmed by a sudden realisation that this and that and that some more have been stacking up and taking its toll on me subconsciously over the past weeks. Maybe I’m really the absorptive type who inadvertently sucks all the energies around me like a sponge – and lately they haven’t been very good energies too. Or of course, these could very well just be convenient excuses masking whatever that thing in the chest is complaining about. Be still lah you.
And Joseph being self-correcting and self-censoring and self-help-ing (apparently my fascination for the ‘othering of the self’ a few years back is still in place!), a quote by Rainer Maria Rilke comes to mind.
Sometime ago I had a run of good days, and as with other good days – when they’re good, they’re very good. In fact, I was too high on these series of surprisingly good days that I posted on my Facebook status message the other day that “someday, I’ll look back on these past days, weeks, and even months with incredible fondness.” I meant it too.
No sooner than I had posted that apparently something happened. Nothing mystical, it’s just that apparently that was the cue for the end of my lucky streak. I don’t know – maybe all this is just a product of an active imagination. But my feelings can’t lie, can they? And today I feel under the weather and in over my head. Out of sorts and indisposed. (Haha I love how there could be a host of prepositions in those past two sentences but I digress)
Aiyoh. I feel a certain restlessness, an inconvenient discomfort, a tingling annoyance, although perhaps irrational, perhaps unwarranted. Sigh. Why do I feel so funny? Maybe I’m just overwhelmed by a sudden realisation that this and that and that some more have been stacking up and taking its toll on me subconsciously over the past weeks. Maybe I’m really the absorptive type who inadvertently sucks all the energies around me like a sponge – and lately they haven’t been very good energies too. Or of course, these could very well just be convenient excuses masking whatever that thing in the chest is complaining about. Be still lah you.
And Joseph being self-correcting and self-censoring and self-help-ing (apparently my fascination for the ‘othering of the self’ a few years back is still in place!), a quote by Rainer Maria Rilke comes to mind.
"Have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves ... Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps, then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.”Try a little patience, Jose.
The Saltwater Room
Because tender songs with cheesy dreamy lyrics and geeky titles tend to appeal to me.
What will it take to make or break this hint of love?
So tell me darling, do you wish we'd fall in love?
Time together is just never quite enough
Whenever we're apart, what are you thinking of?
Whenever we're apart, what are you thinking of?
When you and I are alone, I've never felt so at home
What will it take to make or break this hint of love?
We need time, only time
So tell me darling, do you wish we'd fall in love?
All the time, all the time
Of exploding hearts
Five minutes past two early Saturday morning after a two-hour nap, an episode of Survivor: Heroes vs Villains, a bit of memorisation of choir songs with earphones and handphone in hand -- hardly the right time to blog no?
So I just want to ping (!) this blog, say that despite the monster tasks I'm juggling right now,
I'm actually all right; say that I'm 24 now, and feeling good about it, feeling like it's time to open up and do new and better things, feeling like it's a perfect time to grow; say that February is still my favourite month, say that I'm feeling incredibly loved by family and friends and colleagues, and that I am supremely grateful for it.
As Louis Armstrong says, friends shaking hands really mean them saying 'I love you'. I hope even if I'm not always the explicit 'I love you and appreciate you a lot' type (except maybe when I'm drunk haha you know who you are), I hope the message of the L word (two instances of it in a paragraph is enough!) and gratitude and appreciation is sent across in various subtle sexy ways. Haha I just had to add 'sexy' there. Ping? Ping!
My status message on Facebook yesterday, 'I think my heart my explode', generated quite some comments among my friends. Haha I'm all right guys, not quite with a cardiac problem, not quite romancing anyone too, for the record. Like I explained in the comment thread, it's actually a line in a Justin Timberlake song, Bigger than the World, that was momentarily stuck in my head. Sweet song too, although it was written for this girl.
What I want to say in all this rambling really is that when I think of exploding hearts, I think of this 'Across the Universe' image:
It's the movie based on the Beatles song (which I haven't watched though), and while I suspect the image has to do with a heart that somewhat resembles a strawberry (Strawberry Fields Forever!), I still like to think it's about a heart that simply cannot contain the sheer gravity of feeling, whatever that is. And so it explodes into a bloody glorious mess. (Mentally I type and read that last sentence with the British accent I've been playing around with randomly) And while I'm on a roll with the random music references, let me quote a Simply Red song: Ain't that a lot of love for one heart to hold?
And that's my heart's condition right now -- happy, stressed, happy, stressed, happy. Oscillating between the two. First half of February was an extended birthday celebration, second half on the other hand is crunchtime (lasting till mid-March). Come come let's do it, I'm all pumped up and raring to go.
So I just want to ping (!) this blog, say that despite the monster tasks I'm juggling right now,
I'm actually all right; say that I'm 24 now, and feeling good about it, feeling like it's time to open up and do new and better things, feeling like it's a perfect time to grow; say that February is still my favourite month, say that I'm feeling incredibly loved by family and friends and colleagues, and that I am supremely grateful for it.
As Louis Armstrong says, friends shaking hands really mean them saying 'I love you'. I hope even if I'm not always the explicit 'I love you and appreciate you a lot' type (except maybe when I'm drunk haha you know who you are), I hope the message of the L word (two instances of it in a paragraph is enough!) and gratitude and appreciation is sent across in various subtle sexy ways. Haha I just had to add 'sexy' there. Ping? Ping!
My status message on Facebook yesterday, 'I think my heart my explode', generated quite some comments among my friends. Haha I'm all right guys, not quite with a cardiac problem, not quite romancing anyone too, for the record. Like I explained in the comment thread, it's actually a line in a Justin Timberlake song, Bigger than the World, that was momentarily stuck in my head. Sweet song too, although it was written for this girl.
What I want to say in all this rambling really is that when I think of exploding hearts, I think of this 'Across the Universe' image:
It's the movie based on the Beatles song (which I haven't watched though), and while I suspect the image has to do with a heart that somewhat resembles a strawberry (Strawberry Fields Forever!), I still like to think it's about a heart that simply cannot contain the sheer gravity of feeling, whatever that is. And so it explodes into a bloody glorious mess. (Mentally I type and read that last sentence with the British accent I've been playing around with randomly) And while I'm on a roll with the random music references, let me quote a Simply Red song: Ain't that a lot of love for one heart to hold?And that's my heart's condition right now -- happy, stressed, happy, stressed, happy. Oscillating between the two. First half of February was an extended birthday celebration, second half on the other hand is crunchtime (lasting till mid-March). Come come let's do it, I'm all pumped up and raring to go.
