Lost

Firstly, I think there's something wrong with working in the Statistics lab at 4:31AM, and worse, for only a part-time research assistant job, and even worse, right smack during reading week, the week before the final exams. My final final exams too.

But that's that, I'm here, and while the two programs (R and Microsoft Access) are still running, processing millions of high-frequency observations to obtain a set of financial volatility series, I think I might as well blog. I'm sleepy already, despite the coffee from my $6(!!) breakfast set meal at NUH (hello Cedric, Paul, and Paul's invisible friend), but I plan to stay up and wrap this up, or at least feed the codes into the computer, before I go home, and come back to report to Dr Chen later at 10am.

Hopefully, too, this blog post won't suffer the fate of the rest of my unfinished entries, which are currently still set aside as drafts.


* * *

I LOST MY PHONE YESTERDAY. And it sucks. Major bummer, man.

It's sad, more than anything. I didn't realise how much I actually depended on it until it was gone. Don't it always seem to go, that you don't know what you got 'til it's gone? sings Joni Mitchell, or Janet Jackson, or the Counting Crows, depending on your music generation.

Seriously, my phone was my watch, my alarm clock, my mp3 player, my radio, my camera, my link to friends! Sigh. I was studying at the forum today with a few Filipino friends and I'm like, hmmm how long have I studied now... and then bam, no phone to tell me the time! I even went to part-time job at SELF 45 minutes early! Because I didn't know how to tell 15 minutes from 40 minutes.. so I thought I might as well play safe and not be late. Zzzz.


Oh, I sleep with my phone beside me, too, because the alarm doesn't wake me up otherwise. So Cedric suggested I better look for a girl instead to make up for the phone. Lol. Good point.

I lost it yesterday, on my way to Mass. I know for sure it was during the trip to Church la, 'cos I had my earphones on and listening to my favorite weekend radio show 987 Stripped, which plays stripped down acoustic tracks of popular tunes. I boarded two buses, and on each occasion I removed the earphones momentarily to chitchat with Brice (on Bus A2), and with Mega (on Bus 151). It wasn't until the Communion that I realised my pocket felt a bit lighter, and that's that.

I was jogging with Visayon at West Coast Park at around 11PM afterwards, and he said for a guy who's just lost his phone, I seem very calm. I guess that's what happens when you have A Series of Unfortunate Events, and you realise that whining so much is tiring and isn't much fun. I still whine la, but it's more subdued, and with a tinge of acceptance and resignation .


I don't remember who I said this too (yes still too many whining episodes!), but I said that for a change, I'll try whining to inanimate objects. Whining to people may do me a bit of good, but I'm not sure it does them any. At least inanimate objects don't complain. Maybe I'll whine to a tree sometime. Then again a tree is not inanimate -- or is it? (Time for Dictionary.com!) Whatever la.


So yeah, that's that. No phone. I went to the possible places I dropped it, even checked the Church vicinity, I called the bus terminal, no nothing. The phone is still ringing though, no one picking up -- which may be worse actually than if someone did.


But oh well, life's like that.



* * *


And the phone isn't the only thing I lost too. Sigh. Stupid boy la you, Jose.


I lost my keys some three weeks ago. Two keys specifically, hostel room key and the key I use for my part-time job here at SELF. I managed to survive the past few weeks though, thanks to some silly arrangements I had to take.


Hostel room key lost, that's not a big problem because I have a roommate. Thank God Derek likes to spend much of his time in the room, playing computer games all day (and he's a genius, so it doesn't hurt his grades!). What's just weird is that, I can't leave the room if he's not in (because I can't lock the door without the key), and so sometimes I force myself to leave the room when he does, even if it requires me to rush shower brush teeth wash face in 10minutes or less cos he has class.


SELF key is OK too, since I have three other fellow student assistants who have the same key. It's a little troublesome, but that's that.


* * *


I lost my organiser too. My nice sexy blue organiser, which I had for more than a year now, and whose pages I freshly replenished with those refills. Sigh. All my nice dynamic (read: flexible) schedules and deadlines are there too.


* * *


Lost the pencil box too, with my pens and highlighters and correction tape, stapler etc. Again, a bummer, but I can't say it came as a surprise.


* * *


I'm tempted to launch into a discourse on the spectrum of meanings of the word 'lost' and 'lose'. Consider "lose yourself" (is this a prerequisite to "finding yourself"? and what exactly do they mean anyway?), the mush in both "lost without you" and "lost in you", the wit in the Anger Management (2003) quote, "Temper's the one thing you can't get rid of by losing it," and of course, the word "loser", and the irony in the title of the TV show "The Biggest Loser", etc.


But anyway, I'm tired, and lazy, and don't really feel like talking crap too much.


* * *


It really is kind of dumb to lose so many things. The Devil (Jin) himself implied that this losing stuff is quite irresponsible for someone who's 22. I hate to admit it, but it's true.


Oh well, life's like that: we lose things all the time -- if only to remind us which are worth keeping, and which aren't.

Pagmumuni-muni

Ang di ko lang masyado gusto kapag nagtatagalog ako magsulat, ay 'yung nagmumukhang sobrang seryoso at medyo makaluma ang dating nung mga sinisulat ko. OK lang sana kung yun nga naman talaga ang gusto ko sabihin, di ba, pero hindi naman talaga. Gayunpaman matagal na rin akong hindi nakapagsulat nang ganito, so mabuting ngayon na lamang habang medyo trip ko pang mag-blog. Gagawin ko na ring medyo Taglish to, kasi medyo bihira na rin naman ang purong-purong Tagalog sa impormal na pagsusulat.

* * *

Hatinggabi kanina ang deadline nung project ko sa Financial Math. Ayoko na sanang magmura at mainis, at gusto ko namang isipin na ayun, successful naman ako sa pagcontrol ng aking sarili, pero ayun, napipikon pa rin ako. Kasi naman, di ko matapus-tapos yung proyekto na yun. 1156PM ko na nung isinubmite, at mga alas-otso ng gabi nung tinanong ko si Visayon (kasama ko sa Choir noon at kung kanino ako nagpapaturo ng Finance ngayon) tungkol dun sa natitirang tanong, nang narealize ko na, *pasok mura dito*, di ko yata 'to matatapos. Ayun, inunderestimate ko na naman yung uri ng tanong na yun, and ikli kasi, kumpara dun sa mga mahahabang mga tanong na OK naman yung mga results ko. Haaay naku.

Sabi ko nga kay Visayon, na umuwi pagkatapos ng aral namin sa may SoC, at kay Cedric, na nakasama kong magsupper sa Fong Seng pagkatapos, na punching bag na yata ang kailangan ko, kasi mukhang di na ata gumagana yung mga stressballs ko. Pwede ring manuntok na lang ako ng pader, pero medyo tanga naman yata yun. Yung kutsyon nga ng inupuan kong silya sinuntok ko nung papauwi nako, masakit din pala. Haha. Manipis lang din kasi yun OK.

Martial arts? San ko ba nabasa yun na iyong isang guy, dahil sa kanyang mga isyu sa pamilya nung bata pa sya, nilabas na lang nya lahat ng hinanakit sa Taekwondo, and ayun, maraming taon na ngayon nakalipas, at kickass blackbelter na sya, and nagtataekwondo na sya ngayon kasi enjoy na sya, di na syempre pamilya yung dahilan. Huli ko ata sumubok magtaekwondo nung Grade 3 pa ako eh -- alala ko yun kasi inarrow ako nung Master (yun ba tawag dun?) na makipagsparring dun sa TKD kid nyang anak. Ayun, di ko alam kung pinagtripan lang ako nun or minalas lang sobra, eh kasi ilang buwan pa lang ako nun, nangangapa pa, and yung anak nya halatang, TKD Master's Son. Anyway, I was lousy la, kahit san na lang sumuntok and sumipa, ayun, kicked him in the groin sa huli. Di sinasadya k, kahit naman Grade 3 ako, alam ko kung san dapat sumipa at san hindi. So there he was, grimacing in pain, while I profusely apologised after the necessary bows etc. Tingin ko nakalimutan na nya yun ngayon, more than ten years na rin eh, pero ewan, ano nga ba punto ko, ah, natraumatize ako nun, kasi ewan, minsan nagegets na lang din ng tao minsan kung para sa kanya ba ang ilang mga gawain o hindi. Alam ko naman na medyo lousy ang bodily coordination ko, kaya nga hindi sporty eh, kahit gusto ko.

Ang lakas ko pala sumipa nung bata pa ako, nung naglalaro kami ng kickball ("soccer" daw tawag namin dun.. pero parang baseball na sipa ang pantira) ng mga pinsan ko at kapitbahay. Sabi ko, baka pwede akong mag-soccer, especially pag dating ko sa Singapore, kasi Soccer country dito. Haha di pala, tinry namin nung orientation sa Kent Ridge Hall dati, grabe, ang hirap pala. Most of the time, pag di ka magaling o sanay o di aktibong nakukuha yung bola, magmumukha ka lang tanga tatakbo-takbo pabalik-balik. Haha. So yep not sporty, thank you. Erm pasayawin mo na lang ako, pwede pa. Hehe. Clubbing lang, wag yung may specific steps k. Haha.

* * *

Nagdidigress na naman ako. Mas mabuti na rin siguro yun, kasi magrarant na lang din naman ako as usual, about my screwed up priorities, gaya for example kung pano tumutok ako dun sa final copy ng thesis ko, eh 5% lang naman yung final draft! Nagskip pa ako nung Stats for Finance class ko, which is the worst module to skip kasi andaming natututunan. Kung pano may dalawa akong part-time jobs, at isa pa lamang ang inapplyan na full-time job. Kung pano ako nag-aaksaya ng oras, kung kailan pa andaming trabahong kailangan gawin, gaya na lamang nung Financial Math project na yan. Birthday celebration pala ni Jayson nung isang gabi sa Lau Pa Sat, at ang sarap ng Jolly-V. Lasang-lasang Jollibee nga, lalo na yung spaghetti! Yung chicken malapit na! :) Hindi syempre yun kasali sa "waste of time" na tinutukoy ko, kasi friends time yun la, and naipangako ko na sa kanya na I will make time syempre. Anyway, eto, tadtad na naman ng deadlines this week: Programming tutorial sa Tuesday, programming for part-time work #2 sa Wednesday, ang dakilang Deep Blue Sea thing sa Thursday (hmmm pwede bang gamitin ang "panayam" as Tagalog ng "interview" dito?), at isang test sa Friday.

Grabe, sabi ko nga, minsan nagtataka ako ba't buhay pa ako ngayon. OK, medyo kailangan icontextualize yan. "Die" kasi is a common expression ng mga Singaporeans dito, at pag sobrang hirap o stressful ng mga gawain, "dying" ang ginagamit pantukoy nun. Again, punto ko (ang sabog ko pala magsulat, especially pag Tagalog), is eto: nagpapasalamat ako sa kung anuman yun that keeps me going. Alam mo yun, kung bakit nakakagising pa rin ako sa umaga, kahit puyat, kahit pagod, at patuloy pa rin. Kahit disastrous ang lahat ng mga midterm tests ngayong semester (nope hindi to exaggeration), patuloy lang. Padayun lang gihapun.

Sabi nga ni Dad, no pressure, wag ko raw isipin kung ano mang expectation nila or ng kung sino man sa akin, apparently yan ang nangyayari pag meron kang medyo brilliant "academic past", and a lousy academic present. Sabi ko naman kay Dad, OK lang, alam ko namang OK ako sa kanila no matter what, basta lang ba ibigay ko ung best ko, and di naman talaga ako napepressure nun. Ako lang talaga, siguro, nagpepressure sasarili ko. Nah, tumigil nako hoping and expecting for flying colors, kasi alam kong sobrang rigorous ng sistema dito sa Singapore, sobrang competitive especially sa Statistics and Mathematics departments, kaya sufficiently high grades OK na sa akin. Pero ewan, sa lagay ng panahon ngayon, medyo less than mediocre pa nga ang nangyayari. Gising na kasi, Jose. Wag na tatamad-tamad, tapos magrereklamo ka lang din pag papalapit na yung deadline.

And prioritize. Prioritize kung ano ang dapat gawin, anong uunahin among them, at i-allocate ang oras nang mabuti. Haaay nakow, sana kasi OK na yung Deep Blue, at para mabawasan naman ng isa ang mga iniintindi ko.

Hirap gumawa ng hindi emo na blog entry no. Hmm. What can I say, ganun talaga. Sige, ciao.