Here comes the crunch

Here comes the crunch

Let me tell you a secret. Calculus scares me. We're not very good friends, really.. and come to think of it, ever since. For a while before, it seemed appealing and "cool" in a dorky kind of way, but now I'm just freaked out about faring in the exam the way I did in that horrible horrible midterm test. The worst thing about that midterm test is that it could have been easy, had I done this and that and whatever else. How I got 1.0 (top marks) in my Calculus class in my senior year in high school, I'm not too sure now.

My week-long silence from the blogosphere can be explained by what else, the exams. It's been Medical Library or MD7 or Yusof Ishak House for me and fellow muggers Ferron, Arthur, Nestor, Ivy, sometimes Karen and Brian. So, with four exams down and one more to go, I guess my state of mind can be captured by this photo taken at YIH during one all-nighter session.

Ahh. After my Advanced Calculus II paper at 5PM today, the first thing I'm gonna make sure I'll do is get myself some SLEEP. Get rid of my eyebags, and reclaim my sanity!

But of course, if the unplanned-but-sort-of-planned clubbing session pushes through tonight, then by all means, let the party begin!

For now, though, let me indulge in my newfound friend Calculus. We're getting chummy now. I hope. Ahh.. the smell of freedom. Just a day away. Can't wait.

Library Boy

Library Boy

OK, maybe that last post was a bit over the top. Nah, not really, goes my inner Gollum.

Just the same, before my folks panic and send me more words of encouragement (and remind me to watch my language too), and just so I wouldn't freak out some people by seemingly branding them lurkers or noisy moviemates or librarymates when I don't mean them them anyway, or at least, placing them at the receiving end of my random spurts of hatred, I'm posting this post so that that incriminating post will be reduced to runner-up position.

Yeah, that, and to simply just say that I'm not angry with the world, even if that outburst seemed to point in that direction. If you fear you're a lurker, then by all means, please continue to email or send me private comments. Haha, but really, thanks to those who outed themselves. Some didn't have to, really, because yep we're cool. :)

What's the point of this post again? Ahh.. yes. Just so I could post my wonderful library pic. Thanks to Ferron and his trusty camera phone as usual.

Ain't I cute in the pic? Haha, yes... the dorky, cheap-thrill, kiddie sort of "cute" though. Not exactly what every nineteen-year-old wants to look like eh? Blurgh, it's still cute what.

Medical Library rocks. (And I am such a dork. Hopefully this will translate to good grades though!)

Indisposed

Indisposed

Yeah, that's just the nice way of saying I'm not in the mood.

The revision for the exams must have gotten to me, although I'm pretty sure that's not all that's agitating me right now. And "right now" is an important time too, barely three days before my first exam in a string of five.

Yeah. Three days before my exams. What a time to stray from my intended study master plan. What a time to go all ballistic over what other people would find trivial.

Let it be noted that this is again one of those times that I wish for a private blog. Because that way, I can rant more fucking freely.

What the hell, I'm gonna say it here anyway. I hate spoilers. I hate noisy people in the library. I hate noisy spoilers in the cinema. Fucking spoiled my Harry Potter.

Since I'm so annoyed, let me direct my annoyance at those who read my blog but never mention that they do. I hate you too, you lurkers.

If you lurker, would kindly wish to un-lurk yourself and enter my circle of trust, send me an email or comment privately in this blog. This lurker issue is driving me crazy. Maybe I should put a make this a "Friends Only" blog, but that doesn't quite sit well with me, as some random visitors turn out to be nice friends too, e.g. Kiko and Cruise and Tatatee.

Hmm.. let the one who most deserves it not be spared my infliction of hatred: myself. I hate myself right now, for not studying hard enough, for making a stupid timetable only to render it dynamic and flexible and delaying everything, for giving in to distractions whenever I'm supposed to be studying, and mostly, for allowing myself to get affected by things that I cannot control.

God I feel like such a loser. A bitter, fucked-up loser who's losing it.

Dammit, I'm cramming five modules' worth of information in my head, please bear with me.

Jesus help me.


P.S. I've just read this post, and it seems like I've spewed out a lot of stuff here. That should be enough. That should be a release of the toxins that's been stored too long in my head. Supposedly, I should feel better.

It's 5:37PM now. I've decided that I shall forget this episode and carry on with my life at 6:00PM, and feel better. For now I'm taking a shower.

Right Now

Right Now

And the mugging intensifies. Yep, the exams are just homing in on paranoid undergrads in NUS, and everyone's in a frenzy.

Even my mood , too. I have, since Sunday, suspected that the Medical Library, does things to its guests (practically inhabitants, as virtually the same faces can be seen every day, mine included). I dunno, I think it loosens some screws in the head. Or maybe I'm just weird by nature. Or weirder by nature during exam season. Well, at least I can attribute my offness to something now.

Anyway, the mood swings have been crazy. I've experienced a good taste of stupid mindless euphoria sometime today, then it was fatigue, then it was disappointment with self, then it was just fun. Hehe well thanks to my mugging-mates Ferron and Arthur and sing-along-mate Ivy and Karen and Nestor. It's been crazy, really. And I cannot pinpoint one general state of mind or emotion that could well describe today. `

But I sure know what I'm thinking and feeling RIGHT NOW. And that's related to what I learned is the worst thing about being stressed. Mentally and physically stressed, as in right now. Yeah, the worst thing is that the stress is taking my sunshine away, and I am bordering on depression. I just get damn depressed. In a strange way. Not all the time. Random bouts of it.

Oh yeah, some thought crossed my mind moments ago. I think Joseph is gonna need a new blog. For X reasons. Doesn't mean I'm resigning from Moonstruck, Inc. I think. Nah, we'll figure that out later. Who knows, maybe a change from one funky layout to new one might do the trick.

7:39AM already. Ahh.. about time I get some sleep.

Big love to you all. Whoever you are.

Just Because

Just Because

I used to blog a lot. For some reason, there was always something blogworthy going on in my life. Or at least, there was always something I deemed blogworthy. I dunno now whether I've become jaded or grown old (!) or have unknowingly reached some been-there-done-that stage, that it takes much more to catch my attention. Or, well, maybe I'm just lazy. Busy, more like it.

Just the same, I don't know what to blog right now. Nor why I'm blogging, when my Game Theory notes are waiting to be deciphered. Thus I shall revert to the default "reason" some people give when in fact they're reason-less: Just because.

Come to think of it, Just because is one of the nicest reasons one can give. Really. OK so that presupposes that Just because is a "reason" in my book, when it may not really be a reason at all, but what the heck. Do something nice for me and sincerely tell me you're doing it "just because".. and woohoo yeah I love you already.

Well, it's a different case if you eat boogers or don't shower for a week just because. Yeah, you know what I mean.

What I'm saying is that while just because can mean anything, really, it can mean something stupid or mundane, OR it can mean some something that's way up there, something that's inexplicable, but for sure along the lines of happy words such as love and life and light and laughter, or, if you ask Gwen Stefani, somewhere near "Love. Angel. Music. Baby." =P

So yeah. I love my family and friends and KR folks and NUS Choir folks and mugging-mates and tutorial-mates. Heck, I even love Singapore. But of course I love the Philippines more. Hehe. Some of these I love a little bit more than the rest, well, just because.

Sometimes I'd like to believe in some mystical connection between me and people (places and objects too I guess?), really. I dunno, maybe it's the vibe. In fact I've tried to find some pattern in names or check the zodiac or whatever else. I'd like to believe it works. Haha, well, sometimes.

Yeah, that's why it's infinitely easier to simply say Just Because.
`


P.S. Cool. Another impromptu blog entry that I begun with nothing in mind, but somehow I managed to ramble on long enough to produce a few paragraphs. Haha. Now let's get mugging Jose!

Good Day

Good Day

Mugging season is finally finally here. It's supposed to be all throughout the semester, really, but now the signs are screaming in your face. Three weeks to to the exams, wrap-up of lectures and tutorials, rushing of projects and assignments, libraries teeming with people... ahh I love it! Not.

But I don't mind much, really. It's OK. It's just that the pressure is starting to build up, and it's taking slowly up my breathing space. But nah, I'll live. There is life after exams. :)

* * *

A string of holidays it is for Singapura this week. It was a public holiday yesterday November 1st, not because it was All Saints Day, but because it was Deepavali day, some Hindu feast about lights and good/light's triumph over evil/darkness. Something like that. Tomorrow, November 3rd, is another holiday, this time for the Muslims, who will celebrate their Hari Raya.

If I were in the Philippines, November 1st and 2nd would be holidays as well, methinks, because it's All Saints Day and All Souls Day, respectively. I am unsure whether these two are Catholic celebrations only (in contrast with other religions including non-Catholic Christianity), although I suspect so. Christians (there's that odd commonly used distinction between "Christians" and "Catholics", with the former referring to those non-Catholic Christians) do not believe in saints, as far as I know, so Nov 1 is out of the question. Regarding All Souls Day, I didn't really hear a buzz about it among my Christian Singaporean friends here (who largely outnumber my Catholic Singaporean friends), so yeah, maybe it's a Catholic thing.

Anyway, Nov 1 was a day of obligation so I made sure I went to mass. Today, Nov 2, was not, but I went again anyway. I'm happy I did. I'm also happy I went alone. I don't know, it's a personal thing, but it just feels light going to church. I could just sit there after mass and feel comforted. Especially now, that schoolwork is taking more than its usual toll on my sanity. Especially now, that we are to remember our beloved family and friends who have gone ahead of us.

* * *

Now let's get mushy. I miss my Kuya Schroeder. And my Lola Nene, Lolo Yoyong, and Lolo S. My brother mostly, because sometimes I can't help but think what would it be like if he wasn't stricken by that strange kidney disease when he was three (I was one). I'm sure my younger sister Kai thinks the same way, because well, when we were little and we'd have these kiddie fights, she'd sometimes blurt out, "Sana si Kuya Schroeder na lang andito!" Haha funny when I think about it now. And come on, everybody who knows me well can tell I'm not as held-together as I want to, and it would be great to have a big brother to do the growing up the trial-and-error way, and to tell me afterwards what works and what doesn't.

Haha. I love my grandfolks too, of course.

* * *

Hmm. The previous paragraphs were a bit too mushy to my liking. This is the part where my blog turns into a journal, more of a diary. Not a bulletin board of "news" that one reads to get updated on the goings-on. Friends can read my journal, by all means, but those who are looking for newsworthy material please go read the entertainment columns of your favorite newspaper. Or please go find other blogs that thrive on the attention that the general public gives them. Not that that's a bad thing, really; it's just not me.

* * *

Lalalala.. did I just digress? Haha. It's a good day today. Did my Statistics assignment and, among the 6 assignments (each of which counts for 5% of the grade), I felt that I contributed most on this one, the last of the six, in the usual trio discussion Kevin, Diana and I have.

It's a good sign. I'm actually liking my major, Statistics, again. Hmm.. now to persuade myself to like Calculus (or more accurately, for it to like me). :D

Mugging day tomorrow. Time to get some sleep.

I'm still happy.