It ends tonight

I can't help but smile my silly smile when I realise it's the end of August already. What a ride it was, huh, Mr Joe. And you're alive and well and survived the madness of this wave, before jumping onto the next. Well done.

A lot of things in my head now, again, and that's all good. I'm quite physically and mentally tired, really, but surprisingly, I've discovered some sort of zen about all this madness, and I'm actually quite at peace. The attitude isn't quite the what-the-hell-is-all-this-for, this-is-too-tedious-and-frustrating attitude I expected, but more of -- OK, this is where we are now, what do we do to clear this task, does it involve a lot of work, yes, OK, then let's do it. Probably because I psyched myself that this is all going to be tough, especially when work doubled beginning January, and so this is no surprise. Reinforcements are on the way, so it will definitely ease out sometime soon. Got myself entangled in a bit of "friendly" politics too, but let's leave it at that. It's a story of acceptance, I think. Acceptance with a tinge of resignation, and hope for upcoming change. Acceptance and Joseph, what can I say. Once upon a time strange bedfellows. But I digress.

Joseph being Joseph, I can't quite help but feel contemplative every time I'm stressed like this (I remember my honours year thesis and the gruelling process it entailed). Questions swirl in my head randomly: Is it because you're sloppy that you're working so late? Maybe you're just inefficient? Do you deserve this, do you deserve better? Sometimes I surprise myself by having the audacity to voice out what I'm convinced is correct, even if this means disturbing the peace and upsetting the boss a little. Actually, I suspect I have balls of steel. Balls of steel, man. Haha. Then again maybe I'm just stubborn. Or I have a fantastic boss (which is true) who gives me leeway to be vocal when I want to.

And then there's the value thing. Long story, but in a nutshell, it's one of those Joseph things. I value a lot of things, and I show it (I hope). Also (and not because of the previous sentence), I want to be valued -- if you don't, then that's cool, nothing against you. But if you do, I want you to show it, however very slightly perceptible, so I can see. This entry is mostly about work, but this just now applies to everything else.

I just want to be better. Better organised, more systematic, more thorough, more professional, more sincere, just better. Something like an upgraded Joe. But that's a long and difficult path, and I've had too many false starts to be taken seriously. I'd like to think I'm doing this for myself. But if the colleagues notice, if the people who matter and who I value notice, if The One (whoever you are) notices, that would be nice too.

Mmm the end of the month. Partly why I like it is because it gives me a reason to start again, false starts notwithstanding.