SAD

i'm sad. i really don't feel like going through it, and i don't wanna talk about it in PERSON, thanks. i don't wanna talk about it AT ALL even, because this show of vulnerability is INCRIMINATING me. but make no mistake, i'm sad.

these are the stuff i better keep to myself, but God knows i never could have the diligence to write or keep a private journal in INK. i may even misplace it before i finish, only to find it when i have better things to do. so i write the blackmailable stuff here. never mind if i'm exposing a little too much of me.

i was thinking about making another blog that i'll keep uber private, but that's gonna be weird, so never mind. that'll mean i'm only gonna post "safe stuff" here. something for show. i don't want that.

maybe it's the stress that's taking its toll on my body, my brain, my spirit. maybe it's all just in my head, maybe my sanity has gradually been corroded with every STRUGGLE to study, with every irritation i feel from, um, for lack of better words, the elements around. maybe it's being away from people i care about most, those who would truly understand me. those who i know would JUST KNOW when i need comforting even without me saying anything.

yesterday i couldn't focus on studying. it's my decision, and it's okay. i need time to collect pieces of myself.

now these are the times i wish i were in the philippines.

i'm not fishing for anyone's sympathy, for God knows i don't like being pitied.
i'm pathetic enough.

sigh. sometimes i wish i'd snap out of adolescence.
i mean, the raging hormones drive me nuts sometimes.. like NOW.
and of course, who wouldn't want inactive oil glands right?
hmph. but really, sometimes, it's just fun to be young.

as the corrs say,
".. and it really doesn't matter that we don't eat,
and it really doesn't matter that we never sleep,
no it really doesn't matter, really doesn't matter at all.
'cause we are so young now, we are so young, so young now.
and when tomorrow comes, we'll just do it all again. we are so young."

and they go on to sing about young people "taking it easy and bright and breezy...livin' it up just fine and dandy...chasing the moon just running wild and free...following through every dream and every need..."


that song made me feel a teeny bit better.
but then, right now i don't feel i'm maximizing my youth.

i'm turning cynical now. or maybe i'm just brutally honest.

that's it. when i reach home, in about two weeks (YEHEY! LAPIT NA!!), i'm gonna do lotsa WORTHWHILE stuff. and i sure will tell those special people how much they unconsciously do to keep me afloat.


maybe i should just read the previous post and remind myself of the concept of jars of clay, of wasting away outwardly but being renewed inwardly. :)

_____
good friday. thanks JC.
simba pala kami mga pinoy mamaya. =)